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Dont know whats reasonable anymore

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Bloozle posted 2/18/2014 09:17 AM

I wish I had time right now to post my full story. Short version she cheated on me a little (oral), then months later befriended a woman who cheats all the time on her kid's father (she's not married). My wife claims it was all her idea and the friend discouraged her from what she did next. She suddenly developed an appetite for black men I suppose, and had sex with 3 that I know of, one of which was long term and she was f---ing giving him MONEY. Over $1000 altogether :(

Anyway, this friend is screwing black men also. The race thing isnt the issue, but my wife and I are white, therefore there should be no black men involved in our sex life, thats just the way it is. So her friend moved out from her bf, and their kids now have a split up family, nice morals there. But hey, as long as you get your rocks off!

And I've told my wife I dont want her friends with this woman. She refuses, it's basically her only friend. She now moved close to us. She was a long drive before.

My wife is right now at her new apartment checking it out. I'm steaming mad, and I dont know if im being reasonable. They "double dated" black men together, having sex in the mens house while supposedly on lunch break.

She called a few minutes ago. She tells me everything she does now. I believe her. But I'm afraid our kids our going to end up in a divorced home over this. I hope I didnt offend anybody, but I never asked to be involved in any of this. Advice please. I have to stop posting before I lose it, im at work. Thank you all for letting me vent

tushnurse posted 2/18/2014 09:42 AM

Black white purple green, doesn't matter, what matters is she is openly choosing to make bad decisions.

Listen, NOONE every niced their spouse back, and it you aren't going to either. She wants to be friends with a woman who has no morals, and wants to screw anything/everything, fine. She can be friends with her, just as soon as she packs her shit and gets out. Seriously you are going to have to draw a hard line in the sand. This is not a person who is a friend of the M.

I would strongly suggest seeing an Attorney ASAP, if not sooner. Get your ducks in a row, and get ready to play tough. She will either get her head out of her ass, or not. You cannot control her. What you can control is allowing your kids to see their father be treated like a doormat, and with such blatent disrespect. You can also show them how a strong, righteous man lives.

(((and strength)))

soconfusednow posted 2/18/2014 11:11 AM

I don't know what is reasonable or not. But for me it's extremely hard whenever my H does anything with his friend (I'll call him Bob) that knew about & helped my H during the A.

I thought that Bob was our friend, now I know better. Even after apologizing to me, for helping WH with A stuff, Bob told me "WH is my friend, I had to & will do whatever makes him happy."

Didn't want to t/j, but had a lot more to say here's the link if your interested.

Bloozle posted 2/18/2014 11:13 AM

Thanks for the reply, I dont mean to discount it, but does it matter that I truly feel she is in R? I'm not looking to ignore you, I just dont want to be rash. But it does just gnaw at me

Rebreather posted 2/18/2014 11:31 AM

She cannot truly be in R if she is discounting your very real and legitimate fears and needs.

You are not asking too much. After an affair, all friends who are not friends of the marriage go. Gone. Period. End of discussion.

Keep reading here, check out the healing library. Your wife is very damaged and has a lot of work to do on herself in order to be a safe partner for you.

tushnurse posted 2/18/2014 14:31 PM

Trust from those of us that have been there done that. She is not R, if she is fighting this.
R looks a lot more like remorse, and willing to whatever the BS needs, than regret which looks a lot like sorry I got caught, and yah You want me to do ABC, but I'm not gonna.

See the difference? I bet everyone of us here didn't in the first bit of R. It takes a while for the fog to clear, and if you don't force the issue, it won't, and she will happily rugsweep what happened, and then you will be back here in a month, 6 months, or a year or more.

If she doesn't give your wishes credence, then she doesn't get it. If you want her to stand on her head in the corner and whistle Dixie, her answer should be how many times would you like that, not I can't cause I'm going to go hang with my moraless friend.

(((and strength)))

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