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User Topic: Thoughts and comments 30 days later...
RawDeal75
♂ 42495
Member # 42495
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found this forum and thought I'd share a few thought and my story, in the hopes of getting understanding, support, and a digital shoulder to cry into.

First some background info:
My wife and I are High School sweethearts and have been together without a single break for over 21 years. We got married since about 10 years, and have two wonderful kids, 4 and 3 years old. We also have an angel daughter, who died during delivery and would have been 6 years old today. I am honest, trusting, romatic, stable and I love my wife very much. I do believe that I am very good at showing my love and appreciation, and I keep hearing that I am a good father. We are both well educated, have good jobs and a stable financial situation. Not sure if any of the above matters at all, but I thought I'd mention it anyway.

A month ago today our entire little family arrived to a tropical island resort in Asia in which we would spend two full weeks of vacation. My wife and kids were tired from the trip and went to bed while I checked out the premises and went for a swim. As I got back I decided to charge our phones and iPads after the trip and to make sure they were all connected to the hotel's free wifi.

As I unlocked my wife's phone the first thing that popped up was a SMS text conversation that I now know changed my life forever. There it was, brutal and graphic proof that my wife was having an affair, and had been doing so for a long time. Messages about how much they loved each other, of how much she wished he was there at the resort instead of me, discussions about their favourite sexual memories from their encounters etc. etc. Considering the forum I am writing this is I am sure many of you have an idea what a tsunami of emotions this triggered...

We have now spent a good four weeks talking, talking, talking. I think I have finally peeled back the layers to sort the lies from reality, and I now feel my wife is finally honest. She initiated the contact with an old flame (sound familiar?) in March 2013, met him in September for a lunch and then spent a weekend in London for a concert and sex in October. They then continued their sexual encounters in different locations during the fall. All while I suspected NOTHING! My wife has been the driving force behind the affair, not tbe other man. She initiated the contact, the first IRL meeting, the first weekend, the first kiss and the invite to her hotel room (they did start out with separate rooms).

The guilt has now hit her full force and she profoundly regrets what she has done and she claims she still loves me. She explains she now realizes that she lived in a "fake pink glittery bubble" and that she was high on the attention, but that she in fact felt areal attraction to him.

I still feel shock, disbelief, disconnected from myself and reality, and very very lonely. And imagine this will continue for quite some time...? After reading forums, articles and comments I realize most of my reactions and actions have been the "right" ones, and I am now willing to give our relationship a second chance. I have not yet fallen out of love and I still love her.

BUT:
- I am not sure I will be able to forgive her.
- I am afraid she will get off "too easy"
- I do feel the urge to have an affair myself (my wife has even suggested this and would understand). I would want do do this to "even out the playing field", to make her understand what she put me through, but also (in all honesty) out of curiosity (what/who is out there, what would it feel like with another woman, etc)
- I do/did feel the need to know every juicy little detail about their physical relations (what, when, where, how etc.). She has told me most if not everything I have asked for and I actually feel it helps as I do not need to let my imagination out of control. Does anyone else feel this way?
- I do (and this feels a bit weird!) have the urge to recreate their encounters, and want to go to the same restaurants, the same hotels, stay in the same room, do the same things etc. It feels like I want to do this to "erase and tape over" their experience with one where I am in the lead role. Weird? Common? Has anyone else done this?

Not sure what to write, what to ask, where to end. There is just too much in my head right now. Feel free to ask me questions, come with suggestions, or show support :-) Guess I just wanted to put a few words out there. Hopefully they can help me or someone else in a similar situation.

Thanks!


Me: BH, 39. Her: WW, 39. Two kids: 3&5
Together 21 yrs. Married 13 yrs.

D-day #2 Jan 18, 2014: 12 month EA/PA (AP#3)+ admission of 5 month EA/PA in 1994 (AP#1).
D-day #1 May 2001: 2 month EA/PA (AP#2)


Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Europe
craig2001
♂ 55
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A couple of things popped out at me here.

First of all, I would say that you should NOT go to the same places her and the OM went to, talk about triggering anger. Why would you want to stay in the same motel room as they did.

You say you you think she will get off too easy. How remorseful do you feel she was. How bad do you think she really feels. The WW can be the greatest actress in the world.

I am getting the feeling she knows she did sort of wrong and is very sorry she got caught.

From everything I have ever read on here, whenever a WS suggests on their own that their BS go out and have an affair, it really means they want to continue their affair. If she said something like I wouldn't blame you, that is different than her actually suggesting you go out and have sex with some other woman.

If I were you, I would be very vigilant at this time. Watch her every move. Watch bank and credit accounts. And always watch her phone, sneak looks at her phone whenever you can. Does she take the phone into the bathroom with her, that is a bad sign.

Make sure she isn't hiding a different cell phone.

Not to be a bummer here, but my WW did the same thing. Very sorry, couldn't believe she did it etc, and continued the affair.

Does the OM live in the same city? If so, put a GPS tracking device in her car.


Watch closely.


Posts: 4446 | Registered: Jun 2002
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That IS a raw deal! And your reactions to it are very typical. A fear of forgiving and a desire for her to see consequences, an obsession with what happened...it is all part of the rollercoaster. Unfortunately time is the best antitode to these. work through the trauma at your own pace, forgive yourself for your wildly veering feelings and fixations. And watch your wife's behavior to make sure she is really willing to accept the blame and support you through your struggles. Has she started going to IC (individual counseling) to explore what drove her desire for attention? That must be addressed, and then as she figures it out you can start joint MC. Until then, be as good to yourself as you possibly can be.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
kalimata
♂ 42104
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RawDeal:

Sorry you are here. Sounds like you received the shock of your life on D-day. Here are some thoughts to ponder:

1) Your reaction sounds completely normal. You will experience a roller-coaster of emotions over the next few months. Tackle your feelings head on. Don't sweep anything under the rug. Let your WW know about each of these.

2) Knowing details is also completely normal. Ask her to write out a timeline of the affair for you with as many details as she can remember.

3) Has she committed to no-contact with OM yet? If not then why haven't you insisted upon it? They may still be together now but just more careful about hiding their communications.

4) Have you exposed this affair yet? If not why not? Without exposure the affair will surely re-kindle itself. Is the OM married? If so definintely expose to OM's wife. Expose to your close friends and family (your parents, her parents, religious leaders). This will snap her out of the fog and get her to realize what she did was wrong

5) Insist upon paternity testing for your two kids. This will let her know how much you distrust her now.

6) Get tested for STDs and insist the same for her.

7) Get into see a good therapist.

Finally the last thought I had was this: WHAT WERE THE CONDITIONS IN THE MARRIAGE THAT LED HER TO GO ASTRAY? Did you ignore her? Were you emotionally detached? Did you check out of the marriage? If so these need be fixed going forward. If you cannot find any single reason then she needs to provide an answer why she did this.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Merlin
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Affairs often fundamentally change the way your entire world works. Your thoughts, your emotions, your work and especially your family and friends typically are experienced in entirely new ways. And of course the way you see your spouse is forever altered.

But revenge affairs and 'hall passes' are no way to deal with affairs. Revisiting all the locales and things that happened there also sounds awful, to me anyway.

You both may want to see ICs separately and together see a MC - three different people.

It's difficult to say whether your WW regrets the affair or is chagrined that she got caught. That's important to know.

As for you, a month is not a long time to 'process' this horror, especially if you are trying to do so without outside help (counselors).

It's positive that you both seem to want things to go towards preserving your marriage and family. For me, that was not possible.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
numb&dumb
♂ 28542
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey man. The things you are thinking and feeling are very common.

Attempts to erase and tape over as you put it, 100% normal. It is most commonly referred to as "reclaiming."

Having an A of your own isn't a good idea. You think it will make it better, but it will stop your WW from owning her choice to hurt you. Further you will have to live with the hurt in your eyes. Even though she has given you permission, it doesn't make it OK. YOU still have to live with yourself and look in the mirror.

Your W made a choice, nothing you did or didn't do caused this to happen. Honestly if she feels guilty . . .she should. She choose this and now comes the fallout.


- I am afraid she will get off "too easy"

This is quite common too. In all honesty what she deserves is a divorce. Anything other than that, she will have got off easy.

A way she can prove that she loves you and only you is to make her earn her way back into the M.

No contact with the other person, foever. 100% transparent in communications devices, travels, receipts of shopping trips, taking photos of where she says she will be, etc.

IC to figure out what the hell is wrong with her is a good thing too. Not all people do this.

There are many others, but just to get you started. Actions. Watch the actions. You can't take her at word anymore. To do so would be careless, especially when she has proven to lie to you so effectively in the recent past.

At the end of the day you have to figure out if you can live with this too. People get divorced over this and not every M should be saved. This can be a deal breaker.

Also I would point out that most BH in your shoes have had the most success with drawing some boundaries and sticking to them. You aren't going to nice her back into the M. She abides by these new boundaries or she can leave.

So sorry you are here, but glad you found us.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2570 | Registered: May 2010
craig2001
♂ 55
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great replies here, but I want to disagree with a few comments.

I do not believe that exposing or telling anyone about her affair is the right thing to do. Yes, tell the OM's wife if he is married, but no one else.

This can backfire later in life. For example, you tell all of your friends and family and you and your wife completely understand why she did this and reconcile, that is great. But now everyone knows what she did and will never look at her again the same. Because they will NOT have the same understand as you do about they whys and the hurt.

If your wife continues this affair or has others, than yes, it is time to start discussing this with others. But not this time.

I also wondered about this, what has your wife said about No Contact with this OM?

Have you spoken to the OM about any of this yet?


Posts: 4446 | Registered: Jun 2002
Hosea
♂ 42422
Member # 42422
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am very sorry to read this- both for your broken marriage and your lost young daughter. A lot of heartache to process in a short time.

In answer to your musings:

BUT:
- I am not sure I will be able to forgive her.

You may not be able to. It's entirely typical to fill the strong impulse just to offer immediate forgiveness because you are decimated, in crisis, and you feel that offering forgiveness will save the marriage.

It is a necessary but not sufficient condition for reconciliation. It requires true brokenness on the part of your betrayed spouse. Her displays of guilt and lucid recognition of her affair bubble are not likely indicators of complete brokenness.

- I am afraid she will get off "too easy"

This is a legitimate concern. Do not discount it. Your wife has already acknowledged that she wants this, and I'll explain how in a second...
- I do feel the urge to have an affair myself (my wife has even suggested this and would understand). I would want do do this to "even out the playing field", to make her understand what she put me through, but also (in all honesty) out of curiosity (what/who is out there, what would it feel like with another woman, etc)

That your wife is suggesting you even-the-score with a Revenge Affair tells you a great deal about her state of mind. She acknowledges you have the moral upper hand at the moment, and she would like to see you give it up so that she, too, can claim victimization / see you as her moral equivalent (an adulterer).

DO NOT HAVE A REVENGE AFFAIR. Truly, I understand the impulse, but this will only doom you to a future marriage in which you and your spouse have normalized betrayal. Reconciliation is only possible if your WIFE learns to prize faithfulness again, and that will not happen if you discount it this way.

- I do/did feel the need to know every juicy little detail about their physical relations (what, when, where, how etc.). She has told me most if not everything I have asked for and I actually feel it helps as I do not need to let my imagination out of control. Does anyone else feel this way?

Everyone is different. Some want every detail, others want to know as little as possible. Do not assume she's disclosed everything (you can't trust anything that she says at the moment), and do not assume that what she shares will not start to bother or even torment you months or years down the road.
- I do (and this feels a bit weird!) have the urge to recreate their encounters, and want to go to the same restaurants, the same hotels, stay in the same room, do the same things etc. It feels like I want to do this to "erase and tape over" their experience with one where I am in the lead role. Weird? Common? Has anyone else done this?

This is a form of Hysterical Bonding, a typical behavior impulse that occurs during false or real reconciliation after an affair. Your desire is to "reclaim" your wife from the former flame. It may last weeks, months or longer, but it will not save your marriage.

---

So ask yourself: "Do I want to save this marriage? Can I truly forgive this? Is she truly sorry, to the point that it sickens her to know she did this? Is this woman really someone I might one day trust again?" If the answer to any of these is no, then spare yourself the agonies ahead and start divorce proceedings.

You need to be able to answer all of those questions with "Yes" before you can even hope to reconcile and rebuild (and still, it's HARD!) Marriage Counseling can help, books can help, this forum can certainly help.

But you have some serious hills to climb. Warning signs include:

1) Your wife initiated the affair.
2) It was a long term one.
3) You discovered it as opposed to her confessing it.
4) Your wife endorses a "revenge affair".

These are all troubling indicators of your wife's untrustworthiness. And they may not be the extent of it, as the possibility exists that she's had other affairs you don't know about (whether long term ones, one night stands, online sex, etc.)

You should proceed very cautiously. Don't make rash choices. Know that you are only one month past discovery, and you are likely to be on an emotional roller coaster for many months to come. Consult an attorney about divorce, even if you don't plan to act on it. If you race to reconcile, your wife will think less of you and more highly of herself. She needs to think much LESS of herself, and to recognize, finally, your worth. That can only happen if she's confronted with the very possibility you will leave her because she has made herself unworthy of your love and trust.

She broke the marriage and your heart. Now she, too, needs to be broken. Only then can you both start the process of picking up the pieces.


John 8:10-11: "Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Did they not condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”


Posts: 106 | Registered: Feb 2014
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finally the last thought I had was this: WHAT WERE THE CONDITIONS IN THE MARRIAGE THAT LED HER TO GO ASTRAY? Did you ignore her? Were you emotionally detached? Did you check out of the marriage? If so these need be fixed going forward. If you cannot find any single reason then she needs to provide an answer why she did this.

NOTHING that the OP did caused this. NOTHING. I'm thoroughly shocked to see such things suggested here, honestly.

RawDeal, you didn't create conditions that let her to go astray. Her own brokeness did that. This is some of the most off-keel advice I've seen on this board, truthfully.

She does need to understand what in her is broken, but it didn't come from you.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
OK now
♀ 14459
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your wife's recommendation to have a revenge affair just creates an open marriage and I do believe this will lead her to cheat again.

Your WW will get off easy in the short term. The pain and humiliation is yours and all she has to do is wait for you to get over it and for things to get back to 'normal'. In the long term you will never fully trust her again and all that soulmate garbage is out of the window. Your love will change and you will never look at your relationship through rose-colored glasses ever again. More cynicism, less romance.

You also need to bear in mind that your wife may be insincere in her expressed remorse. She could be fighting to keep her cosy marriage intact, with the increased finance, security and companionship that a comfortable relationship implies.
She didn't have enough respect for you to stay loyal; why should you think that she has now discovered a deep, new-found love for you; one that she misplaced during her passionate affair? I detect self-interest at work here not true remorse.


Posts: 1869 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Hannah25
♀ 42198
Member # 42198
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try to take the high road. If you have a RA, you will be no better than her.


ME: 35
WBF: 44
Together 11 years
DDay: 1/12/14
DDay2: 3/28/14

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Ohio
RawDeal75
♂ 42495
Member # 42495
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Firstly - thank you so much for your thought, advise and comments. Much appreciated!

I realize I left a few important facts out of the puzzle, so I thought I'd add some pieces and comments:

- I do feel that my wife (WW, right? Need to get the hang of the abbreviations...) truly regrets what she has done, and is somehow relieved that she was finally exposed. I do feel and believe that she does in fact love me.

- OM lives in another city (5 hours away)

- OM has a family (wife, 2 kids)

- I have not exposed the affair to anyone, as I did not want to create a situation where the potential of repairing the damage would be reduced due to putting my wife through the shame, or having our friends and family forever look at her and me differently from this point on. There seems to be a difference in opinions on how to act here...?

- I have not exposed the affair to the OM's wife

- the second day after d-day I started writing, no vomiting! my thoughts and feelings onto a piece of paper. It was supposed to be for me only to sort what was going on in my head, but it slowly turned into a letter to the OM. I wanted him to see the face, the person, the man whose relationship he helped destroy. I wanted to make him feel, hurt, understand what he had done. I emailed this to him two days later. I let my wife read it first, and I also gave her the opportunity to write something, anything, uncencored, to the OM as a last piece of communication before all channels were shut. All she decided to write was: "I'm sorry." (Not sure if this was a mistake, but it felt right. Actually still feels right)

- WW has accepted that all communication channels to the OM are now, and will forever be, closed. She has promised that she will never ever contact him again, or respond to anything he might send to her

- OM has promised to never ever contact my wife again. He understands that if he does I will immediately tell his wife about the affair. (Not sure what you all make of this? Mistake? If so, why?)

- I truly do not feel any "guilt" in my wife's decision to have an affair. I feel that I have been a very good, loyal, loving, understanding, etc. husband. And even if I hadn't the choice was still hers and hers only.

- I see now how it sounds like my wife recommended the I have an affair myself. This is not the case (sorry for the confusion!). The thought was brought up during our discussion by me when I wanted her to see/understand how much it had hurt me. She did not approve, but said she would understand and that there would be nothing she could say or do about it. I am really torn here: I do not want to have to face myself in the mirror for having done something despicable, but as the same time I'm thinking it could level the playing field, correct the imbalance and actually help the healing process? Am I completely and utterly wrong here. I know it would mean lowering myself to her level (not quite as it would not be lying or infidelity in my mind as I would then declare my intentions and telk her about it). This could just be my messed up mind talking, if so set me straight.

Hosea asked me to ask myself a couple of good questions: ""Do I want to save this marriage? Can I truly forgive this? Is she truly sorry, to the point that it sickens her to know she did this? Is this woman really someone I might one day trust again?" If the answer to any of these is no, then spare yourself the agonies ahead and start divorce proceedings."
As of today the answer to all of those questions is "I don't know." Guess I need to give myself more time to figure that out...

I am sure there is more I need to clarify, but in the meantime I really appreciate your advice and kind words.


Me: BH, 39. Her: WW, 39. Two kids: 3&5
Together 21 yrs. Married 13 yrs.

D-day #2 Jan 18, 2014: 12 month EA/PA (AP#3)+ admission of 5 month EA/PA in 1994 (AP#1).
D-day #1 May 2001: 2 month EA/PA (AP#2)


Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Europe
william
41986
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lets assume i knew about your wifes affair. would you want me to tell you? dont you deserve to know? why are you depriving the other person the right to the truth and the knowledge that you would want to have. telling the other spouse is the RIGHT thing to do. period.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 589 | Registered: Jan 2014
RawDeal75
♂ 42495
Member # 42495
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By the way, the reclaiming, the hysterical bonding, what should I make of that? I understand it happens and might even be common, but should I resist it? Embrace it?

So far I feel everything I have done have been positive and led things in the right direction, to slightly less chaos, sadness, anger. I hope it stays that way and that I do not get a backlash...


Me: BH, 39. Her: WW, 39. Two kids: 3&5
Together 21 yrs. Married 13 yrs.

D-day #2 Jan 18, 2014: 12 month EA/PA (AP#3)+ admission of 5 month EA/PA in 1994 (AP#1).
D-day #1 May 2001: 2 month EA/PA (AP#2)


Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Europe
RawDeal75
♂ 42495
Member # 42495
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks William. I have asked myself that same question. Some days I wish I never found out, others I am certain I would have wanted to know. Somewhere I guess I know it's the right thing to do.

One thing that makes me hesitant is the possibility of driving my wife and the OM into each others arms, especially if he feels he has nothing to lose...


Me: BH, 39. Her: WW, 39. Two kids: 3&5
Together 21 yrs. Married 13 yrs.

D-day #2 Jan 18, 2014: 12 month EA/PA (AP#3)+ admission of 5 month EA/PA in 1994 (AP#1).
D-day #1 May 2001: 2 month EA/PA (AP#2)


Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Europe
RawDeal75
♂ 42495
Member # 42495
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To the kind people replying to my thread: something that I think would help me (if you don't mind) would be to know if you managed to repair/rebuild your own relationship, or if your marriages are now over. What are the odds of succeeding?, is what I guess I am after...

[This message edited by RawDeal75 at 9:58 AM, February 21st (Friday)]


Me: BH, 39. Her: WW, 39. Two kids: 3&5
Together 21 yrs. Married 13 yrs.

D-day #2 Jan 18, 2014: 12 month EA/PA (AP#3)+ admission of 5 month EA/PA in 1994 (AP#1).
D-day #1 May 2001: 2 month EA/PA (AP#2)


Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Europe
craig2001
♂ 55
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raw Deal, your last comment sums up your feelings and I completely understand. On the one hand you say your wife will never communicate with the OM and she is sorry etc, yet you are afraid telling the OM wife will drive him into your wife's arms.

That implies you still believe your wife has feelings for this guy and would be willing for him to come back to her.

Use your gut feelings and intuitions when talking with your wife. I am sort of bothered that she does not blame the OM for any of this. Maybe she started it, but he could have said no. Both are too blame.

I guess I would like to hear a little more disgust towards the OM from your wife. Unless this is her way, she just takes the high road and doesn't blame others.

I don't think you should go to the places they were at. There are other ways to reconnect with your wife and make your own new memories instead of reliving the ones she had with him.

Keep watching her though. The longer she is honest with you, the better you will feel and the more you will be able to trust her.


Posts: 4446 | Registered: Jun 2002
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Raw -
You have been given some great advice so far. I would recommend that you go back and re read it.

I would also suggest that you read the threads with the bullseyes, I will bump them up to the first page when I am done posting.

Now I get that you want to believe your wife, and want to make this work but also wonder how much you can forgive, if you can forgive. It's very hard to know that in the first bit after Dday, and no one is telling you that you need to know or make a decision today, tomorrow, or next week or month.

Your wifes ACTIONS, not words will be your guide, and barometer in this. You want to believe her, and want this to go smoothly, however you really must assume that everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie at this point. Afterall she had you bamboozled for the past year. I am willing to bet as time goes on you will find out that the "truths" she shared with you in the first 30 days were not complete, and softened around the edges "to protect" you.

Look for a secret cell phone.
Put a keylogger on her phone, her tablet, and computer.
NC is usually broken in LTA's at least once if not multiple times.

See a lawyer, and find out your rights, and use those to your advantage to draw your line in the sand should you find any of the above to be true.

Focus on you, make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated, and if you are struggling with this basic stuff see your Dr, and talk about if meds can help you through this time. They have helped many of us here through the initial hard days. You also do need to be STD tested.
I would demand she is as well, and gives you written documentation of an all clean bill of health before having unprotected sex again.

As far as the HB goes, it can do wonders to help you both reconnect again, and builds the bonds of intimacy. We always had a decent sex life, but after Dday is got even better, and once my H really got it, and Real R started, it was tremendous in healing. Yes we are a couple that survived a LTA, and it are 5 years out, so when I speak of things, it's not only my experiences I have seen but many here who have come an gone.

I can tell you that trying to nice your way through this will get you stung. Be very clear, and concise on what your expectations are, and be ready to follow through on consequences. This is what really breaks the fog for many a wayward.

Lastly. Telling the OW - I would urge you to do this. You may not have realized what was going on, so you didn't question her fidelity, but trust me, I went through 6 agonizing months of trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with my H. From everything to schizophrenia (on both our parts) to invasion of the body snatchers, to how come I can't ever be good enough. No one deserves to suffer like that, and she certainly deserves the option of working it out, or throwing him out. You don't know if this is his first, or 15th affair. You cant trust what your wife says or what your wife says he told her.

Keep reading, keep posting, and remember, you only get the love and respect you deserve when you demand it.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8899 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
RawDeal75
♂ 42495
Member # 42495
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your comments craig2001!

Just thought I'd add a couple more things:
- we had our first MC session today. It felt good, but not great. not sure about the therapist. It was a woman who every now and then seemes to sympathize a bit too much with my WW. Could have been an over-interpretation on my part though.
- my WW and I both start our individual ICs next week. My WW recogizes the need for this as she cannot explain her actions herself. She tells me again and again that there is no real reason behind it, that I could have done nothing differently.


Me: BH, 39. Her: WW, 39. Two kids: 3&5
Together 21 yrs. Married 13 yrs.

D-day #2 Jan 18, 2014: 12 month EA/PA (AP#3)+ admission of 5 month EA/PA in 1994 (AP#1).
D-day #1 May 2001: 2 month EA/PA (AP#2)


Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Europe
RawDeal75
♂ 42495
Member # 42495
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks tushnurse for your long and insightful reply, and for sharing your own experiences.
I will revisit my thinking on telling the OW, feels more and more like the right thing to do. Would an option be to let the OM do this himself? Your thoughts on this?


Me: BH, 39. Her: WW, 39. Two kids: 3&5
Together 21 yrs. Married 13 yrs.

D-day #2 Jan 18, 2014: 12 month EA/PA (AP#3)+ admission of 5 month EA/PA in 1994 (AP#1).
D-day #1 May 2001: 2 month EA/PA (AP#2)


Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Europe
Topic Posts: 109
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