Hello everyone --
I have lots of mixed emotions this morning - (seems to be a fairly common occurrence these days). So sad that there are so many of us that belong to this site yet relieved that I can come here and perhaps find some help and insight.
I had an OEA with a man from another state, whom I never met. It lasted a little over a year and proceeded to go from "harmless flirting" (no such thing) to "just friends" (NOT just friends as Shirley Glass puts it). Very sexually inappropriate things were said via texts between AP and I, also in phone conversations and PMs through a social media site.
DD 1-21-14 - H found evidence of correspondence on my computer and found contact info on my phone. He confronted me the next day and I proceeded to lie to him multiple times in probably under five minutes. This makes me feel so horrible every time I think of it. I added insult to injury with every lie -- it compounded how hard it would be for him to believe anything that ever came out of my mouth after that. How does someone trust after being repeatedly lied to? 
I have cried every day since then and maybe that's a good thing -- maybe it means I'm finally dealing with things like I SHOULD'VE been for the past 49 years of my life. I am slowly realizing that feelings had better be dealt with and not just tamped down. I have felt major guilt but I think maybe I'm compensating for NOT feeling guilty during the A when I should have. That might have given me an impetus to stop the A, but I felt little remorse then. It really was almost as easy as turning off my phone or computer. The distance and the inherent secrecy of the OA really appealed to me and worked for the warped kind of WW I am. H and I have no kids together ( I have adult children from my 1st M as well as 7 grandchildren). H still very much considers divorce to be an option down the road (we agreed to not make hasty decisions right now when we both have such emotional frailty, but to wait for 3 months). So the clock is ticking. I have to show him I care enough about myself, about us, and about HIM, that I get shit figured out.
A lot of times, reading the posts here have triggered me to think, yes, that's how I feel exactly, and this allows me to keep digging as to why I identify with that feeling/behavior and come to a greater understanding of myself and, consequently, my actions. I am trying to learn all I can about affairs in general, so I can be better equipped in this battle to be honest with myself and my spouse, for the sake of growing in my personal life so that my marriage can thereby grow and blossom into what a relationship should be. I acknowledge that I have not done my part in this in the past, not in this marriage nor my first marriage - truly, not with many of my important relationships. I am self-aware enough to realize I've usually actively avoided conflict - I think most likely it comes from how I learned to operate as a kid. Major issues with domestic violence on the part of both my parents. My dad had many affairs the whole time he was married, as far as I can tell. I believe my mom had some, as well. I think that during the '70s my parents probably engaged in an "open marriage". I say this not to minimize or in any way discount the fact that I cheated on my husband -- but, again, coming from the perspective that I must examine my behaviors and try to realize what I'm made of, and what made me the way I am, so that I can make me better, and hopefully my marriage better. It's really either that or give up -- because if I do what I've always done, and give up, then I won't have my husband. He's made it clear that we must communicate and be honest and open with one another from here on out, or divorce will happen. I completely understand where he's coming from; it's crunch time. I don't have the option any longer of not dealing with things, not owning my shit, not being an adult.
I have a younger sister who is a hard core alcoholic and it would just piss me off seeing how immature and selfish some of her behaviors were. Now I'm slowly beginning to realize that I am doing the exact same things just in a different way. Refusing to take responsibility for myself, my emotions, and my actions, and yet pinning blame on some other likely suspect, like my H, for my fuck-upedness.
And now, onto my 2nd question -- the How can I? part ...
I want to show my husband that a) I want to meet his needs (i.e. short term - telling him whatever I can about A so he can work through it and also long-term - that I am willing to learn how to communicate more effectively and not run from conflict). I have given him open access to my journal, my computer, and my phone. Although he pointed out that's only of limited help, as I could just use a co-worker's phone, etc. to contact AP. I give him honest answers to his questions. We also talk every day, about deep, important matters, and mostly about things relating to our marriage. One time we talked for 14 hours straight. It's more talking than we've ever done, and certainly more than I've ever done. I just wish there was more I could do. I want to express my love, but now what I've done has tainted even that. It's taken away so much ... much more than I ever, ever bargained for or realized could be affected. And understandably any kind of expression of love or intimacy on my part is taken with a grain of salt by my H. When my actions have been so unloving, I can see how it would be very difficult to take me at my word now.
BTW, I haven't had any contact with AP since DD - PM'd him and told him there'd be no more contact and then my husband read it and I sent it. My husband did have to urge me to send the message, as I just wanted to never contact AP again. I could see how this could be misconstrued as wanting to leave a little window open. But I couldn't say goodbye to AP fast enough. Which really I'm not proud of either, as it's a pretty good indication that I didn't have true genuine caring feelings for him on any level ... which meant that basically I used him. I used him for what I needed during the A, then shut my computer, and put him away in his little box 'til next time.
Sorry so lengthy -- thanks for reading this far. 
[This message edited by mrs7 at 2:29 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]
