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Well it is coming up on 2 years since Dday and for the most part everything has been great lately. My fWH and I have been rebuilding our M and have been able to discuss both our A's or any other A without any defensiveness. I believe we have arrived at a place of healing. I do feel like I am in a place where I can forgive. I feel like I have let go of the pain!

The one thing I find that is a little concerning is how strong I feel, almost invincible. Certain events Non A related I normally would have reacted strongly to I handled with very little emotion. I'm not sure if it's a self protective mechanism or if I am truly getting over this. Does anyone else have a feeling of being 'invincible' it is a strange feeling for me.

I felt invincible prior to my wife's affair. Everything life threw at me I took and dealt with. I was resilient and nothing could phase me.

Since though, and to this day, I'm nothing close to invincible. I'm easily stressed, have trouble dealing with things and feel like I'm languishing in a state of fracturedness. I'm highly emotional and easily affected by most anything.

That said though, being two months shy of two years, I feel I'm finally finding the peace I've been seeking. I have been feeling safer, more at ease, and have a sense of forward momentum to my thinking. It's small and slow to start but I believe I'm on my way back to that feeling.

My previous sense of feeling "invincible" was never a coping mechanism. It was knowing I could handle what I was dealt. My wife's affair destroyed that notion leaving me feeling like I couldn't handle anything. With time and actual effort I'm slowly reacquiring that feeling be being "invincible" because I've been learning how to cope with this and what has come along with it.

That's where the feeling came from for me at least.

I am glad for you cb and to read that you have let go of the pain.

I feel very....capable now. I am much more sure of myself in terms of relationships with others. If there is no balance in one, I know I need to let it go.

Talking about my feelings still feels odd and there are many days when I realize I could have been the WS and he the BS. I have only written that once before on this site. But it's true.

I feel capable.

Yesterday morning my wife used f-you several times towards me....I did not return the favor. A few months ago that would escalate my emotions....this time I sat with the pain and refrained from anger. I engaged her, didn't shut down....but didn't escalate it. Very uncharacteristic of me....at least not how I have been most of the time post-DD.

I, too, wonder what this is about....

I am at 19 months.

I am both pleased that I can take full on rejection by my wife and remain calm....and concerned that my heart is hardening.

I pray for courage to keep my heart soft and open....to stay in contact with the kind and optimistic man I know I am.....to avoid becoming one of the many life-jaded people I know.

Meanwhile, in the rest of my world, I am stronger. I have dealt with strong union issues as well as a severe project over run...both substantially stressful....but handled both with grace. Boldly but humbly admitting my role in the shortfalls in each and finding new solutions to right the ship.

So I know healthy growth has and continues to happen within me.

Regardless of how poorly I can explain how much this post resonates with me....it does resonate with me.

That strange feeling you speak of.....I have a taste of that myself....started about 2 weeks ago but is staying with me......

However, I do know I have more pain to feel...still spontaneously cry....so something is buried deeper in me then I have dug still yet. I expect to slip back a bit, but am living in the present.....will claw my way back up if and when I do slip back.

Good to hear from you crazyblindsided...been a while.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:26 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

Thanks for responding!

(((VD2012))) It's interesting because I thought I was really resilient before my WH's A but I did breakdown and ended up in the psych ward 2 times. I guess the invincible feeling is more of a my WH can never hurt me like that again.

LA44 letting go of the pain has been such a godsend I thought there was never going to be relief from this.

Blakesteele your posts always resonate with me too especially this part:

I engaged her, didn't shut down....but didn't escalate it. Very uncharacteristic of me

I don't escalate anymore either and there have been no more circular arguments. It is kind of like I have thick skin and a hard heart, but not too hard.