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A valid reason to R

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undonelife posted 2/18/2014 16:46 PM

I'm 1 year out from when we decided to R. 15 months from DD. I still have a lot of pain & uncertainty that I can do this or that I want this marriage. I've asked a few times why he wanted to R caused I stepped away and started moving on when he filed for D to be w his OW. He stopped the divorce & asked to R 1year ago. Anyway, one reason he gives for R is that he couldn't stand seeing me & kids with our hearts broken when he looked at us. He would not leave the house when he filed for D cause his lawyer told him not to. ( Can u imagine being in in-house separation knowing your D papers would show up any day? It was pure hell). So he had to look at us everyday heartbroken & it made him sick. He also decided he couldn't ruin our kids lives & be a weekend dad. From that he also decided he loved me not OW & that D wasn't the right thing to do. Wow to bad he didn't figure that our pre-A!

My question is do his reasons sound valid? Like real reasons to R? Is this him finding empathy for me & kids for the pain he caused us?

steadfast1973 posted 2/18/2014 17:10 PM

Yes, they sound valid. He had to look at the damage he was causing.

Morhurt posted 2/18/2014 17:12 PM

To me the real question is, what are his actions telling you now? Is he 100% remorseful? Can you ask questions and discuss the A whenever you need to? Is helping you heal? He was in the fog back then, maybe his reasons were good, maybe not... But what is he doing now to prove to you that he is a safe and worthy partner?

undonelife posted 2/18/2014 20:03 PM

Morhurt: At the beginning he was very resistant to answering questions or just talking about what happened. He wanted to apologize and move on because he was embarrassed. He wasn't interested in counseling or reading books. He is a major stuffer/avoider type and this was no surprise to me. Now, he goes to MC, he has an accountability partner he meets with once a week, he attends a bi-weekly men's small group whose subject matter is how to be a proper husband and father. He has given his co workers who know about the affair permission to answer any questions I have for them about what they knew and how he is acting at work. He takes one or more of those co-workers with him when he has to be in a part of the building where he might see OW. He calls me several times daily from his office phone so I can know where he is. He bought me an IPhone and installed Facetime on his and mine so I can reach him at anytime and "check' on where he is. He has cut his work hours back substantially and is home more and helps more with the kids that he has in 10 years. He has stopped doing weekend work - he used that time to be with OW and would tell me he was working. He helps out more than I ask him to with just normal everyday duties and life (that was something I wasn't happy about before the affair). So, it seems and looks like he is trying. Im still so hurt by this that its hard for me to believe what Im seeing and to believe he knows himself enough to be aware of his boundaries. He's a very intelligent man but doesn't have common sense, so I don't know if he really understands what he's done. I guess time will tell. I really have no feelings of love anymore. This has really sucked the life out of me, and it scares me that I still can have any safe or loving feelings toward him. I still have the images and there is still an ache in my heart tho it is better than a year ago. I still ask the question "what the hell happened?! How could he do this." Im working on myself, I've lost weight (beyond the infidelity diet), Ive been to several workshops on healing, been in counseling since before DDay (when I knew something was wrong in our marriage but didn't know about the affair). Still have days I wish I could pack up and leave. Just trying to sort it all out. I really don't want to waste any more time on this if its not gonna be different, real, and workable.

undonelife posted 2/18/2014 20:07 PM

And, he has been actively seeking another job for several months, but, no luck so far.

sisoon posted 2/19/2014 08:33 AM

He sounds to me like he's pretty committed to R.

Do you share your ups and downs with him? If e knows you're ambivalent and just keeps doing the right things, I'd take that as a sign of big time commitment.

But that's based just on what you're saying here.

bionicgal posted 2/19/2014 10:15 AM

I agree that it all sounds good - but here is the sucky part. . . you have to share all your pain and uncertainty with him, and ya'll have to walk through it all together. He needs to really see you in order to understand the magnitude of what he did, and to help you heal.

I am not sure when your dday was, but my H's understanding of what he did deepens all the time, and is bittersweet I think due to how close we are becoming. He says that during the affair he only had about a 1% handle on the pain he was actually inflicting. He knew it theoretically, but not actually.

undonelife posted 2/19/2014 11:22 AM

DDay was 11/25/12. I discovered he didn't confess. He was in luuuuurrrrve & wanted to be with her. He was a monster for 3 months following. 2/14/13 was the day he came to me wanting R. He Kept email contact w her for about a month after I discovered. I didn't know at the time but suspected they still had some contact & I was too destroyed to investigate it further. All that I needed to know was that he cheated & that he wanted her. That was enough at the time & with my own imagination I figured out the rest until I was strong enough to verify it. OW kept telling him to stand up for himself & go see a lawyer. He convinced her I was a horrible person. She was too stupid to see that he was cheating on me & the cruelty of that to me & our kids. He felt very justified & deserving of his affair & of having this young beautiful woman in his life. She was 22 years younger than me. He filed for divorce. Took a bunch of our money & opened his own account (OW's advice I'm sure!) cause his lawyer told him he shouldn't have done that. He told me he didn't want anymore time with me. Blamed everything On me with her cheering him on. He literally tore me down to the bottom with words & actions. I think thats why I'm having such a hard time recovering & believing him. I know he was on the fog but at the time he really believed those feelings of hate toward me.
Yes I do share my ambivalence with him and my very present and huge heartache with him. Still lots of tears. It stinks because I've always been confident, strong and a leader-type person. That was totally deconstructed with this affair & post 3 months meanness.

catatonic posted 2/19/2014 12:43 PM

I am still learning a lot. And never sure day to day how I feel.
But I think that sounds pretty valid. Especially if actions match the words. I am the BS, but I could see how a WS would wake up when they see their family and the damage it caused. And with your 28 year history. Him knowing your strengths, struggles you have been through, raising kids and your interactions with your kids. Then he is with 22 younger OW who probably was advising him for her benefit. And it all probably hit him. I'm happy for you and him that he woke up. And for your children. That's just my novice opinion. As I was living in la la land a short time ago

undonelife posted 2/19/2014 14:14 PM

I can't imagine what she thought she would be getting with him. He has 2 teens to care for. She had to realize he'd be responsible for them even if he was divorced. she must have been lead to believe he would get custody. No telling what kind of filth he told her about me He makes fair money but not that much. What did she think he could give her ? All they did was sext, have sex in the most risky circumstances & griped about each other's miserable lives to each other. And declared their love foreach other. no real life situations at all. She is married w 2 little kids & her husbands family has money. She drives new cars & had a home 3 times what ours was worth. She got a new & better home right after I caught them plus a new SUV. I guess that would have had a wrench throw in it if I'd told her BS. I wish I would have but I was afraid fWH would lose his job over it cause he was her supervisor. I cannot imagine what she thought she would gain by taking him from us. Perhaps she's a sex addict or something & the sex & the thrill fed her personality. He's definitely an obsessive personality.

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