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Taste of my own medicine

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Jovie posted 2/18/2014 17:20 PM

BH opened up to me today about how he initially got involved in drugs. Turns out it was over 7 years ago. It was before we were engaged, during a time we were on a "break". So it was while we were seeing each other but not totally. Hearing him talk about the people he was hanging around with (up until 2 months ago even), and the types of activities he participated in was shocking. It obviously isn't as direct a betrayal as infidelity, but it felt like I was punched in the stomach, and so confusing. It didn't seem like it could be real. I imagine it was a very small taste of the kind of betrayal he felt when he found out about my A.

I hope that doesn't offend any BS or sound like I'm making light of it, I just found it eye-opening and it made it more relatable for me.

painfulpast posted 2/18/2014 19:36 PM

Very gently - I think it's admirable that you want to find a way to relate to the betrayal your BH feels. However, I have very strong doubts that this revelation is comparable to the discovery of the A. I wasn't going to post anything to this thread, but then I thought that if my H came to me with something of this nature and equated it to his EA and the discovery, I might have some very strong words for him that contradicted that opinion.

I'm not your BS, so it's very inappropriate for me to put words or feelings on him, but you may want to think about not sharing this. It could become a very painful and unfulfilling discussion.

I hope you don't take this as a criticism. It's not. I'm only posting to say that some BSs may find the comparison a bit off the mark. If your BH is such a BS, you most likely will be doing more harm than good by having the discussion. Obviously, you know your BS and I don't. I'm only giving my vision of what would happen if this were presented by my WH.

Again - I find it admirable that you're seeking something you can relate to that is comparable. To me, it shows you really want to understand the pain caused by infidelity.

Aubrie posted 2/18/2014 19:45 PM

Jovie, if my husband spilled a buttload of new info, it would hurt. You are learning things about your husband that you didn't previously know. Of course it hurts. And if asked, I would say, "Yes! It hurts!"

It's not the "same" as infidelity betrayal. But I guess in a weird twisted way, it's a type of betrayal. When you think you know someone but you really don't. I dunno. I know where you're coming from.

I'm eyeballs deep in FOO nightmares. Can't sleep, can't eat, then binge on junk food, panic attacks, the whole bit. My husband isn't all, "Well this crap ain't nothin' like what you dished to me!" It's not the same pain. You can't compare things that aren't even the same. They're both betrayals. But different. And it all hurts. And it's all life stuff that we have to work thru.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 7:47 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

Jovie posted 2/18/2014 20:11 PM

Ok, noted.

I haven't had to deal with much betrayal in my life, so this was the closest thing I felt to feeling betrayed. He was basically living a double life for 7 years and for our entire M. I know its not the same, it was just kind of eye-opening.

painfulpast posted 2/18/2014 20:21 PM

Hi Jovie - Not sure if you were responding to me, but you were betrayed. I'm not saying you weren't, at all. You were lied to, deceived, and intentionally led to believe nontruths. You were betrayed, no doubt. I hope you didn't think I was saying you weren't betrayed.

My point was that the kind of betrayal was very different. That's all. For what it's worth, I'm sorry you had that experience. Learning that you were lied to for an extended period isn't a good feeling, regardless of the reasons behind it.

I'm sorry if you felt I was minimizing your experience. I wasn't, and I never meant to make you feel that your experiences didn't matter. I sincerely hope I didn't send that message, because nothing could be farther from the truth.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 8:23 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 2/18/2014 20:24 PM

Jovie, in my opinion, that is very much a betrayal. Whenever our spouse's are hiding behaviour, leading double lives, having secrets it is a betrayal.

I am not too much for comparing. I don't think there is some hard concrete scale to measure the "level" of betrayal. People that are gambling and hiding it from their spouse, that is a betrayal. That is just one example, there are many.

However, I do feel sexual/emotional betrayal is different in how traumatizing it is to the spouse. In that sense, I don't feel you get the full impact of the betrayal by infidelity with the betrayal of your husbands drug abuse. I am sure you do get a taste of what it feels like, though.


Aubrie posted 2/18/2014 20:36 PM

it was just kind of eye-opening.
Absolutely it is. Completely understand this.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 8:36 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

Pentup posted 2/18/2014 20:47 PM

I would be totally freaked out, pissed off and scared if my h came and told me he had been doing drugs and lying about it for years. The whole, who is this person? Do I know them? What is real, what is not would be very similar to what I felt post dday.

Wishing you both the best.

Want To Wake Up posted 2/19/2014 00:02 AM

Jovie, we hear it all the time when BSes try to determine which is worse in regards to affairs, an EA or a PA... the most oft stated reply is "betrayal is betrayal" and this IS a betrayal IMO Your BH has lied to you and not about anything small.

It obviously isn't as direct a betrayal as infidelity

I both agree and disagree with this ^^^ confused yet? LOL

I feel it IS a direct betrayal, it involved secrets and lies (just like an A)

I do feel perhaps it's not felt on such a ... visceral level IYKWIM

If I had to put it on a sliding scale of betrayal from 1-10 the A feels like an 11!
(some days a 99)

But for me personally, betrayal regarding drug use would score pretty high too (I am zero tolerance kind of a gal when it comes to illicit drugs… and I mean ZERO!) and I'd give it a 7-8!

Post DDay my WH confessed that while he was secretly visiting some friends of his that I didn’t particularly like, I felt they were a bad influence (hence the secret visits) he smoked a joint with them. I was horrified. Here we are trying to raise children to stay away from such things, trying to lead by example on matters of drugs and alcohol…and he goes and smokes a joint? Freaking hell… I was livid!... But as it was Post DDAY I must say my reaction was tempered by the greater betrayal of my trust of his A’s.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this… on top of everything else.

JustDesserts posted 2/19/2014 05:50 AM

My BW has a unique perspective here. I betrayed her with alcohol and drugs years and years ago. And I betrayed her with my affair.

She, not me, observed and drew parallels between both types of betrayal. She, not me, put them both very high up on that 1-10 scale.

The affair could have killed our marriage. The addiction could have (should have!) killed me.

Both awful. Both profoundly hurtful. One deadly.

If SHE were to choose for me to do one again, she'd choose an affair. She loves me, and she doesn't want me dead. Then she'd divorce me.

I choose "None of the Above".


DixieD posted 2/19/2014 10:12 AM

it felt like I was punched in the stomach, and so confusing. It didn't seem like it could be real.

Jovie, if your BH lied to you, kept secrets and you were not in the loop about his drug use, it's betrayal. The whole -- Who is this person? I thought I knew you.

You will see on SI often people say, it's not the affair itself that hurt as much as it was the lies and secrets.

These are your feelings to feel. No need to compare them to your BH's or anyone else either.

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