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About 40 days after D-Day

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Whytome posted 2/18/2014 18:45 PM

I would like to say that things are better but I think I would just be fooling myself. Tomorrow is my H's 41 birthday and I so want to be forgiving and enjoy the day with him, but Im just not sure that I can.

I have moved past the cheating part of it (one time about a year ago with a hooker) but I am not past the sexual addiction part of it. I can not understand the disease. He is getting help for it. We are seeing a marriage counslor, he is seeing a SA specialist and he is going to SA meetings once a week.

Just last week, he told me that porn was better than being with me. He didn't tell me this to be mean. He was trying to be honest with me. He was trying to help me to understand it. But it still stung like you wouldn't even believe.

Many days I feel like he is trying to get better, but then like today I feel like he wasn't doing anything extra to comfort me. I am so so so worried that he thinks that he has gotten by with it.

I am also starting to put the blame on myself, which I know is not healthy. When I tell him my feelings and I try to talk to him about it, he does tell me that it was nothing that I had done to cause it. That it is his problem.

He wants to move on from it so bad and wants it all to be over, HOWEVER he has had 10 months to forget about it. I have only had a month. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to keep moving forward and not getting stuck in one place. I don't know how to not concentrate on it.
Any suggestions??

Jls0320 posted 2/18/2014 19:02 PM

I've come to expect it will take time, I'm 3 wks out from discovering the extent of my husbands SA and I'm so disgusted and nauseous when I think about it. I'm glad he's in treatment, have you thought about CoSA meetings for yourself? Our counselors both recommended them for me and my 1st meet up is tonight

Whytome posted 2/18/2014 19:09 PM

Yes they have suggested it. Im just not ready yet. I know that may sound selfish but I want to go in my own time. I am feeling so overwhelmed that I feel like to much to fast is only going to hurt me. Please let me know how the meeting goes. I would love to hear about it.

woundedby2 posted 2/19/2014 03:16 AM


Are you in counseling to help deal with your own feelings?


he told me that porn was better than being with me.

Would be near to impossible for me to get past regardless of the context.

I'm sorry that you are dealing with all of this. Hang in there.

norabird posted 2/19/2014 10:51 AM

I know you know this, but you are NOT to blame. You are more than adequate. You are loving, giving, and caring. You are honest. You had no idea what you were up against and you are truly a blameless victim. Forgive yourself for feeling you 'weren't enough' or are responsible, and then dismiss the thoughts. Reaffirm to yourself as often as you need to 'This is not my fault. This has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with HIM.' Say that to yourself as many times as you need to hear it for it to sink in.

It is very soon to feel pressured to get past this. Stay with the feelings until you have worked through them. There are no shortcuts. He needs to give you all the space to process this that you need.

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