After telling me 2/13 that "a part of him still wants to be with her", and that he helped her with a flat tire two weeks ago, I was hurt and angry and have slept in the guest bedroom since.
I DID ask him for the truth and thanked him for his honesty (we were talking about transparency).
This morning - on the way to MC - he asks me why I have been sleeping in the guest room. I said, lets save it for the MC session. How could you not know?
MC asks how things have been this week and I invite WH to tell his version. Then I tell mine.
WH starts getting angry b/c "I misconstrue everything". So, I calmly ask: Did you have contact with her and not tell me, like we agreed?
Did you not say a part of you still wanted to be with her? What did I "misconstrue"?
He is still acting like an ass and I say I am leaving the session, that he needs more IC and maybe they can do that in the remaining 30 minutes. The counselor asks me to stay and I do.
The counselor tries to calm us down (this isn't going well). So I tell him that my WH gave me a dozen roses at 5:30 am the day after I first slept in another bed. "What's wrong with that," MC asks. "I told him before that I don't like roses." WH admits he remembered that.
So, are you being passive-aggressive? The point is, you don't even know me anymore!
Later that night (tonight), we "get into it" again. He STILL didn't understand the whole transparency thing. He was "damned if he did, damned if he didn't".
That's right, asshole. He MIGHT get it now.
Since he had previously told me the AP was a little "thick" and he was so stupid, maybe they SHOULD be together.
I am feeling VERY OVER this right now!
Scenario 1: "OakStreet, I have to tell you something. OW was on the side of the road with a flat tire on X-day, and I stopped and fixed it. I should have driven by. At the time, I felt that I just couldn't leave her sitting there, but I broke our agreement of NC. I need to apologize to you."
Results - Upset, maybe some tears, discussion about NC, about why it was broken, hopefully new ground covered and new understandings on both sides. Perhaps productive discussion with MC.
Scenario 2: well, heck, you know what that one was. And you know what the result is and the pain is ongoing.
You do have to wonder if, at times, there are two brain cells that are somewhat adjacent to each other to rub together to cause the most feeble of sparks of understanding.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
This sounds SO like my WH before he actually decided to change. Not fun - I feel your pain. It's like they hide the truth from themselves. I think that's the source of their "stupidity" if you want to call it that.
If he is unsure whether he wants to be with the AP then the MC won't help, just as it didn't in my marriage before DDay. My H would just lie, make me the bad guy, claim he forgot what he said etc etc. I would try things like sleeping separately, leaving the house etc. Nothing changed in his mind until he made the decision to be different. I suspect your H won't seriously start thinking about things until the stakes are really high, and you get ready to move on with or without him. Take good care of yourself.
The NC thing is a bit difficult, since they are at the workplace together every day! She said she would leave for another job (after Dday), but hasn't been able to find one (we are in a rural area).
Perhaps I wasn't clear, but I think my WH does want to work on R - he is just a bit dense. He told me he is "staying away from her" and being "indifferent".
We have definite communication issues.
I guess I was trying to drive home the point of how upset I was that "a part of him still wanted to be with her". I was so upset that I didn't want to be around him. Gotmegood: You're right, it's not solving anything.
and that he helped her with a flat tire two weeks ago
Why is it that in all the time I drive around and go and do things I hardly ever run into the same people....yet your WS just "happens" to run into his affair partner when she was in distress and had a flat tire????
It is amazing how often WS's just happen to run into their AP. Its all by accident.
Please don't buy into his crap. He is still way deep into the fog and even telling you so with his "missing her" statement.