SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Smashedat58 posted 2/18/2014 19:03 PM

Under advice from my counselor, I have joined OLD. Not to find a date exactly, but to see how many people are in my same situation, and to try to connect with the opposite sex in a safe way via email. I don't think I would ever want to date any of these men. I'm not being conceited, I just have no interest in them. I still think men are sketchy, after my betrayal. It will be a long time before I trust one again, and these men online seem so shady. I don't even want to email with them.

justabrokendream posted 2/18/2014 19:20 PM

I would join a meetup group. Also would probably find another counselor. Sounds like some kind of experiment.

cmego posted 2/18/2014 19:35 PM

That is crazy advice. I don't know too many therapists that tell you to "get comfortable" by emailing people who ARE going to ask you out and then put you in an uncomfortable position.

I'm with Justabrokendream…try MeetUp or start volunteering at a new place. That will allow you to meet people who don't necessarily want to date you.

[This message edited by cmego at 7:36 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

InnerLight posted 2/18/2014 21:58 PM

Doesn't seem fair to the guys online either. I'm not seeing the value of this advice other than to stir up issues to talk about in sessions. I think non-dating social interaction with good people is a wiser choice.

Nature_Girl posted 2/18/2014 23:27 PM

That's horrible advice! OMG!!! No no no no no no no no no no.......

Chrysalis123 posted 2/19/2014 00:09 AM

OLD is tough. Lots of passive rejection.....You think a guy is interesting, and you initiate contact. And then......he ignores you.

Or, you are emailing back and forth through the OLD website and .....POOF

Or you email, call, go on a few dates and.....POOF

Or you meet a whack-a-doodle stalker/ax -murderer type and you can't get rid of him.

OLD is not the way to go.

Working on yourself is the way to go. Feeling comfortable with you whether you are alone or not is what you want to achieve.

HurtsButImOK posted 2/19/2014 02:28 AM

The suggestion of joining a meetup group is, I think, a good one. It will get you out and socializing without the pressure of a meat market environment.

You will also have the chance to learn to trust people without the romantic entanglement.

Amazonia posted 2/19/2014 07:19 AM

Wow, your IC told you to use people as a means toward your own end? That sounds like terrible advice (and behavior) to me.

absolut posted 2/19/2014 07:41 AM

Just to chime in/pile on, bad advice. I would find a new IC.

Nothing good can come of this.

Dreamboat posted 2/19/2014 08:02 AM

I agree that your IC gave you sketchy advice. Especially if you are not ready to connect with men yet. Hell, do you even want to connect with men yet?

Another example of bad advice, this one from my psychiatrist (saw her for MD's mostly, saw my IC for therapy). She knew I was agnostic but she told me I should join a church to meet men. Yes, I was advised to deceive the members of a church, pretend that I believe the same things they did, for the sole purpose to get a date. What the holy hell?

If you want to get out again, join a meet up group or a book club, or volunteer somewhere, or take a class in your favorite hobby. OLD is not for the feint of heart and is NOT the place to start socializing again.

(((hugs)))

What2Do76 posted 2/20/2014 20:33 PM

What is OLD?

cvs2kkids posted 2/21/2014 07:08 AM

OLD On Line Dating

ajsmom posted 2/21/2014 13:46 PM

This one is going in my book.

Just sayin'...

AJ's MOM

better4me posted 2/22/2014 10:52 AM

fire your IC. Really.

Kajem posted 2/25/2014 03:01 AM

I think a meetup group is a great way to meet people.

I would sign up in your area.you can check out whose going to the meetups before you sign up foe a specific group. They have so many different groups based by interest. Check it out.

I think I would clarify your therapists suggestion. Sometimes mine has said something that took me by surprise. When I later asked, what she said was not what I heard.

Good luck

hurtbs posted 2/25/2014 16:59 PM

The best way to meet people in a shared environment: joing a meetup group, join a workout group, volunteer, take a class (cooking, ceramics, art history, etc), actively engage your existing friends in socializing, etc.

OLD is for dating, period. Unless you're ready for dating, don't jump in to OLD.