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Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: Counselors advice
Smashedat58
♀ 41705
Member # 41705
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Under advice from my counselor, I have joined OLD. Not to find a date exactly, but to see how many people are in my same situation, and to try to connect with the opposite sex in a safe way via email. I don't think I would ever want to date any of these men. I'm not being conceited, I just have no interest in them. I still think men are sketchy, after my betrayal. It will be a long time before I trust one again, and these men online seem so shady. I don't even want to email with them.

Posts: 171 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Upstate New York
justabrokendream
♀ 3075
Member # 3075
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would join a meetup group. Also would probably find another counselor. Sounds like some kind of experiment.

Posts: 309 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: CA
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is crazy advice. I don't know too many therapists that tell you to "get comfortable" by emailing people who ARE going to ask you out and then put you in an uncomfortable position.

I'm with Justabrokendream…try MeetUp or start volunteering at a new place. That will allow you to meet people who don't necessarily want to date you.

[This message edited by cmego at 7:36 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4231 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doesn't seem fair to the guys online either. I'm not seeing the value of this advice other than to stir up issues to talk about in sessions. I think non-dating social interaction with good people is a wiser choice.


BS, now age 54, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5904 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's horrible advice! OMG!!! No no no no no no no no no no.......


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10033 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Chrysalis123
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OLD is tough. Lots of passive rejection.....You think a guy is interesting, and you initiate contact. And then......he ignores you.

Or, you are emailing back and forth through the OLD website and .....POOF

Or you email, call, go on a few dates and.....POOF

Or you meet a whack-a-doodle stalker/ax -murderer type and you can't get rid of him.

OLD is not the way to go.

Working on yourself is the way to go. Feeling comfortable with you whether you are alone or not is what you want to achieve.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2781 | Registered: Jan 2010
HurtsButImOK
♀ 38865
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The suggestion of joining a meetup group is, I think, a good one. It will get you out and socializing without the pressure of a meat market environment.

You will also have the chance to learn to trust people without the romantic entanglement.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 756 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, your IC told you to use people as a means toward your own end? That sounds like terrible advice (and behavior) to me.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13877 | Registered: Jul 2011
absolut
♀ 37933
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to chime in/pile on, bad advice. I would find a new IC.

Nothing good can come of this.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Dreamboat
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that your IC gave you sketchy advice. Especially if you are not ready to connect with men yet. Hell, do you even want to connect with men yet?

Another example of bad advice, this one from my psychiatrist (saw her for MD's mostly, saw my IC for therapy). She knew I was agnostic but she told me I should join a church to meet men. Yes, I was advised to deceive the members of a church, pretend that I believe the same things they did, for the sole purpose to get a date. What the holy hell?

If you want to get out again, join a meet up group or a book club, or volunteer somewhere, or take a class in your favorite hobby. OLD is not for the feint of heart and is NOT the place to start socializing again.

(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
What2Do76
♀ 30349
Member # 30349
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is OLD?


D-Day 11/20/10
Love Is Not Constantly Wondering If You Are Making the Biggest Mistake of Your Life

Posts: 379 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ontario
cvs2kkids
♂ 41298
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OLD On Line Dating


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind


Posts: 240 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This one is going in my book.

Just sayin'...


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21104 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
better4me
♀ 30341
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fire your IC. Really.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53
Divorced

Posts: 3236 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a meetup group is a great way to meet people.

I would sign up in your area.you can check out whose going to the meetups before you sign up foe a specific group. They have so many different groups based by interest. Check it out.

I think I would clarify your therapists suggestion. Sometimes mine has said something that took me by surprise. When I later asked, what she said was not what I heard.

Good luck


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5550 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
hurtbs
♀ 10866
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best way to meet people in a shared environment: joing a meetup group, join a workout group, volunteer, take a class (cooking, ceramics, art history, etc), actively engage your existing friends in socializing, etc.

OLD is for dating, period. Unless you're ready for dating, don't jump in to OLD.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
Topic Posts: 16

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