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Mom23DC posted 2/18/2014 21:14 PM

(Adding after I typed all of this...sorry for the huge vent. I have still not told anyone IRL what is going on, and clearly it is eating me up inside.)

I can't believe a month has passed since I first discovered that my WH was chatting/speaking with the same OW his married brother was doing whatever with...nice, huh? This lead to the discovery that WH had a PA with another 5 years ago.

The emotional roller coaster has been insane. I detached for the first week, HB kicked in the next week after I confronted, and then more detachment since. I finally made him talk about it again tonight, as I feel like he has kept his secrets for so long that he is less affected. I on the other hand am just devastated and am having a hard time carrying on. I literally spent the whole weekend sleeping in bed, around kids activities of course. I have 3 children that I am trying to keep everything normal for, plus nursing school stress and I was so close to just running away from it all this weekend. Not a for real option, so I slept.

He seems very remorseful. He set up IC for himself almost immediately and has had NC, as far as I can tell. Problem being the more time goes on the more I question whether or not I can ever recover from this. Such a huge betrayal, not 1x but 2x. He claims nothing ever would have actually happened with OW#2 it was just talk. 1) As far as I am concerned the kind of talking they were doing was WRONG in itself, but 2) she offered to get a room (since she lived with her mother) for them. So, if time had gone on who knows...

I hate that this hurts so much. I hate that his family knows that she has an inappropriate relationship with his married brother and doesn't seem to care, as they are all still buddy-buddy with her. They do not know about her relationship with my WH, but at this point I doubt it would make a difference. Besides it's not like she has a BS, she just has another married man. Is it worth telling BIL? Seems like he gets what he deserves hooking up with her in the first place. I really want to make her life miserable though.

I also fight the urge to contact the PA OW. Being that it was so long ago I don't think it will have any impact, other than let her know that she no longer has this secret. WH says they never talked about me or the kids, except that she said she didn't want to be known as a homewrecker.

In the end he is the one that betrayed me and our family. He is the one that I hold most responsible. I know this...and so does he. Time will tell I guess.

BAB61 posted 2/18/2014 23:55 PM

(((Mom23DC))) I'm sorry you are here, but this is the best place. The people here are very supportive and you will learn a lot.

You will learn what true remorse looks like, what actions are needed from your WH. You will learn what gaslighting, rugsweeping, cake-eating and many other things you may be subjected to are. You will learn to deal with all of these things.

It is hard to deal with cheating in any way shape or form, and to do it without telling friends or family makes it even harder. If you are not ready to do that, please at least think of telling a counselor or clergy. Someone that you can unburden your heart to. imho it really helps you start to heal.

Have you looked in the Healing Library? Upper left corner, the yellow box ... toward the bottom. Please do so. Very helpful!

Whether you R or D, SI will help you every step of the way! ((Mom23DC))

norabird posted 2/19/2014 11:17 AM

I'm so sorry. ((((hugs))). Sometimes I wished I could go to sleep and wake up months later past that pain. Alas, no such option! Vent here as much as you need to while trying to deal with this betrayal.

I think both your BIL and SIL should know about this--mainly the SIL. Put the OW out of your mind for now as much as you can. Your real problem is not her but your WH. Yes, you will have anger and vengeful thoughts, but it's a dead end to try and pursue them since she herself is unmarried. I am at a loss to imagine why the family at large tolerates her however so she SHOULD be excluded from their lives. Your WH needs to communicate that to his family.

You say you think he's NC--do you have full access to his phone, email, etc? Yes, people can create other accounts, so you're never able to really know, but he should share his passwords openly with you for verification.

You do not have to decide whether you can forgive him and stay yet. Take things slowly, be good to yourself, and eventually your path will reveal itself.

Mom23DC posted 2/19/2014 15:45 PM

Thank you BAB and nora for responding.

I do have all the passwords to his emails, phone, FB, etc. He hasn't tried to change any of them and answers my questions re: phone numbers, etc. I take that as a positive. I actually have always had the passwords. I rely more heavily on phone logs since Dday. He says he has had NC and seems to be hurt that I won't believe him...ummmm, really?

As for SIL and BIL situation. I think SIL already knows and I thought they were on their way to separating. Maybe they already are, idk. OW is waiting in the wings for BIL I do know that. To tell the truth we are not close with WH's family, even though they live closest. I will continue to focus my attention on WH and my kids, as that is what is most important. I have made it clear to WH that I do not want to be anywhere around her and expect that he will have absolutely no contact as well.

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