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Does it ever get easier?

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Fooled1 posted 2/18/2014 23:29 PM

I haven't added a post since my d-day two days after christmas but things have been pretty hellish and I think I really need some support. I was in a same sex relationship but I know there will be no judgement here. I was with her for 5 years.

After d-day my WS tried to show me she wanted to work on us and I believed her. Turned out she was saying the same to the other person. This happened twice since d-day!! Both times we both believed her and they ended with show downs between the three of us, usually in my house!

I've read through a lot of people's stories on here but being fooled three times is so cruel and I guess I really live up to my username! The final showdown ended with me having to endure them leaving together and choosing to try a relationship together. I was being told a pack of lies for weeks about it being me she wanted and the thought of being all alone while they are living happily ever after is just making everything ten times worse.

How do you cope with them being all happy with someone else when your alone? Does it ever stop feeling like your being stabbed in the heart?

TrustedHer posted 2/19/2014 00:26 AM

Gosh, there are a lot of SI sayings that apply here.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

When someone stabs you in the back, don't hand them the knife.

NC = No New Hurts.

Time heals.

How do you cope with them being all happy with someone else when your alone? Does it ever stop feeling like your being stabbed in the heart?

How? Counseling, focusing on yourself, learning that your WS and her future relationships are not your problem. Learning that you need to direct your interest to what you have, not what she has, not what you lost.

Does it stop? Yes. Not immediately. Not all at once. It goes from minute-by-minute to hour-by-hour to day-by-day to once a week. It goes from through the heart to into the heart to touching the heart to breaking the skin.

The alone part is the dangerous part. If you aren't comfortable with yourself, if you NEED someone else, you will attract broken people. When you are ok living by yourself, when you know that you WANT a partner, and you can be choosey -- that's when you have a chance to move forward.

Nature_Girl posted 2/19/2014 00:38 AM

I'm sorry, Hon. (((HUGS)))

It does get easier. The pain fades. But before it does, let it inspire you to get yourself into IC if you aren't already. Let it prompt you to read some books to help you dive into yourself and discover who you are. There's a reason why you were fooled three times in such a short time frame. Figure that out. A good IC could help you.

HurtsButImOK posted 2/19/2014 03:01 AM

Strength Fooled1. It does get easier but it takes time and working on yourself.

I second TH & NG's advice.

Also what helps me is to remember that even though my x rode off into the sunset on the current whore, his idea of 'happy' is not mine. Happiness to me is more about being honest, honorable and content. Happiness for him is me, me, me, now, now, , now as he endlessly searches for a skittle shitting unicorn that is real this time.

Fooled1 posted 2/19/2014 03:12 AM

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I guess using the word 'alone' wasn't really true. I have fantastic friends and family who have been amazing. But I guess i'm still in that phase where it's my partner I always wanted to talk to if I was sad. It feels so wrong that not only can she not fix it but that she's the one that caused it.

I'm functioning ok. Trying to stay busy and do stuff for me but it feels as if she has died and I'm in mourning for what I won't have again.

I have also looked into IC - even booked an appt but since she left I would struggle to afford it!

suckstobeme posted 2/19/2014 03:29 AM

It stops eventually. With this awful pain one day will come wisdom and growth for you. She ran. She's not growing - she's avoiding and it will catch up.

The fact that my exWH started this whole new life with the slunt and so callously kicked me out of his old life hurt so much in the beginning. I didn't know that kind of pain existed. It still gets to me sometimes and is hard because we share kids so total NC is not possible right now, but it's a million times better than it was.

This site and a lot of IC helped me to learn and accept a few things.

1. The A was not about me and it isn't about her. It's all about him and how the newness and the fantasy bubble he created made him feel.

2. While my pain is finite and will end one day, his will go on forever. People who avoid and run have no capacity to grow. They cover up and sometimes the blanket works for a while. It won't work forever.

3. Past behavior is a great predictor of future behavior. People don't change without a lot of work and introspection. Running away and lying is the exact opposite of that. As time goes on, running away and lying become much easier and actually become their way of life.

4. No one is special enough to overcome a personality disordered, broken person. The AP is only special in their eyes in the short term. People are people and relationships all go through common phases. Comfort will replace the shiny and new like it does for everyone. That's when the wayward realizes that the AP is just another regular person. That's when the urge to run will arise again.

These things all hold true. They won't help a whole lot in the beginning, but they will eventually.

For your own emotional health, I would maintain NC, get to IC, read here, exercise, be with friends and family, and slowly start to rebuild. You will be ok. We promise.

Nature_Girl posted 2/19/2014 03:42 AM

There's a fantastic book, "Getting Past Your Breakup". I urge you to get it ASAP. It's helped me & MANY others here.

Leia posted 2/19/2014 08:23 AM


My D-Day was Jan 27. I understand what you mean. WH is with OW and has a whole new relationship. Some days I miss my WH so much because of the inside jokes, and the way we shared and communicated. I understand what a big gap that has left in your life. Please take the advice of other commenters, as I believe that have offered some great reassurances. I've seen and talked to more friends in the past couple of weeks than I did in the months before. That has saved me and has been wonderful. I hope you can reconnect to those who are important in your life. Best wishes.

Artemisia posted 2/19/2014 10:44 AM

It does get easier. It really, really does. I never thought I would be able to say this, but it does. I can tell you that I believed the pain would never end, and that I might not make it. But I did.

I thought I could never tolerate him having his fabulous new life and new loves. But I can tolerate it now. It's not my problem, and I think about it infrequently. I used to think about it all day, every day, I kid you not.

I thought I would never see an upside to the lies and the confusion and the pain I went through. I still don't understand, but I'm starting to see small slivers of blessings in my life.

And recently I've even been able to feel true joy, on my own, which I never thought I would feel again. Keep riding the roller coaster, we're with you. It sounds unbelievable now, but that roller coaster will go up again one day. Hugs, hugs, hugs.

Everyone has great advice. My only other advice, which I know is VERY personal, is to consider antidepressants if you are feeling really down. I went on generic Prozac a few months ago and it was a turning point for me. I am SO glad I did it. It has not dulled anything for me, instead it just pulled me out of a really dark, deep pit and gave me some space to process, think, and feel a range of emotions, not just despair. If you are feeling like despair is the only path, you may want to consider ADs. They can be temporary and can really can be lifesavers.

Keep posting.

StillLivin posted 2/19/2014 11:13 AM

How do you cope with them being all happy with someone else when your alone?

I cope by knowing that she cheated with him pathetically waiting for him to give her crumbs. And because he cheated with her, he will cheat on her a helluva lot faster than he cheated on me.
I cope by knowing that she is disgusting and so is he for what he did.
Cheaters that run away are weak. Weak never gets strong if all they ever do is run.
THAT is how you cope, and taking it one day at a time.
She did you a favor. This realization will take a while to get to, but it will eventually leak in. You forced her hand. That takes strength. All any of us wanted was for them to love us. But even though it hurt, you drew a line in the sand. That is what matters. And, because of this, you will never again allow someone to treat you like she did.
Hugs and strength Fooled1

RealityStinks posted 2/19/2014 12:52 PM

I was being told a pack of lies for weeks about it being me she wanted and the thought of being all alone while they are living happily ever after is just making everything ten times worse

I can certainly relate to that. My WW just said "I'm confused, and I just can't move back home right now". Caught her with him the next day.

Time. That's what it takes to get over things.

They won't be happy either. Less that 1% of relationships that start out based on infidelity last. Doesn't sound like a recipe for success. I get where you're coming from though, but I remind myself of what I just told you. The "unicorn farts" are going to wear off soon enough. Grab a beer, sit back, and enjoy the show. It'll happen.

Finally, something I've read on here before (I don't remember who posted it though, sorry): "The best revenge is a life well lived." Show her what she's missing.

norabird posted 2/19/2014 13:38 PM

You are doing great. Do you know that? Be proud of yourself. You feel that you've been stabbed in the heart because, metaphorically, you were. It's a wound, and before it heals it bleeds and scars and it will be there even when it's healed, as a reminder of the lessons you learned and a mark of how much has changed. Even as a reminder of your capacity to love and the good things you had together.

I'm sorry you were lied to so often on top of the initial hurt. I believed in my false R too. People who are honest and loving can't really fathom being deceived before it happens. That's why we have faith in the fantasy we're sold--because we don't ever sell anyone else a fantasy. Now that you know it was all false, you are back to the beginning again. All the freshness of a new compounded hurt is impossible to just ignore or get through.

But believe what everyone says. You are going to slowly get distance, and to increasingly appreciate answering to no one. You are going to rely on your friends and family (and your SI family if you want!) as much as you want, and it will give you strength and remind you that you ARE loved. It hurts not to be loved by the person you were trying to be with, but you will recover from that as time goes by.

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