"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Hatemyhusband posted 2/19/2014 05:16 AM

Back to the beginning. Yup thanks to the added detail- 10 lunches he took her to, two beach trips together, new sex places (her classroom 15 mins after students left). I now have nitemares back. Well they never left but now the screaming, twitching nitemare are back.

This guy is behaved like a child. I'm repulsed, ashamed and flat out appalled that while I thought he was working, he was living this double life.

I'm a fool. I'm a complete idiot for trusting him. I wish I never married a sick bastards. He needs help. Major hrlp

blakesteele posted 2/19/2014 06:18 AM

(((Hatemyhusband)))

I hear your pain in this post. It is disturbing....how grown men and women can actively choose to behave like hormone crazed teenagers....how affair lust can bring people to a drug-addict like state of being, where nothing and no one else matters....roles as leaders of industry, presidents, nurturing moms, caring fathers, school teachers and pastors are tucked away and ignored as a person seeks to feed its own fleshy desire at all costs.

"Adultery is crazy making shit."--our first MC

I am sorry you have refreshed nightmares. I suffer from them too....but mine are "same old same old".....hoping someday to either be free of them or get bored of them.

You are on my SI prayer list and I will say a specific prayer for you now.

Peace be with you.

blakesteele posted 2/19/2014 06:19 AM

There is a fool in your marriage....and you are NOT it.

Remorse level in your husband?

Written a timeline? An apology letter? Shared his journey to his " why" with you? Admit HE was a fool?

Pride was a strong factor in my wife. Very proud how she was independent, had no real needs, strong all in her own....perhaps even disdain for me as I expressed needs and desires. She wore her independent and controlled state of being as a badge of honor....judging others who were "emotional" as weak. The singular act of adultery has stripped all of that away and revealed some shocking truths.

Reality is she threw all that was dear to hear in the trash to sleep with an almost stranger. That is not a character trait of a strong, independent person....it is a trait of an addict living for nothing more than to get there next fix. A state of being that is nothing but dependent.

Nightmares.....have plenty to feed them. But the night on my first DD was the one I wish I could "un-see". Sure the make out sessions and such are nightmare materials.....but to stand in our living room and watch your wife seriously consider me and our family against what she had with her fAP was.........unreal.

She was slow to leave that state....tough for me to endure to say the least. But to actually observe, see her body language as it craved "him" over "us" likened back to the meth head videos I have watched. The ones where officers show them pics of their spouse, kids, parents.....and they had no real affect on getting them to choose differently.

After DD#1 my wife did as they did....she aggressively sought out and got more of her drug. Myself, our pastor, our girls, her sister, her reputation in the community, her fAP reputation as a business owner, his family.....nothing and no one was going to stop her, change her mind.

You mentioned fool several times in the pas couple days.

It is one thing to feel foolish, be made a fool of. It is something entirely different to BE a fool.

I did trust my wife after DD#1....I didn't know better and was advised by a licensed therapist to do what I did, encouraged by my pastor as well. I was ignorant and did the best I could with the wisest counsel I had at the time. I did what I was advised to do....what my vows said I would do (better or worse)....what I thought was healthy for our girls. I suspect you did similar actions. Looking back a separation was most likely the better choice...but I don't consider what I did to be the action of a fool. Society may call me a fool....but that doesnt make me a fool. It pleases God when people fight to defend their M and protect their family. I was hurt by my own choices....but that, too, does not make me a fool. Fighting for what is right is noble...but, many times, you will get hurt.

I may have been in shock and in pain...but I knew the risks at some level on DD#1 and I chose to fight for my M and protect my family. It took courage. It was not foolish.

You are courageous....you are NOT foolish!

The motivation underneath those choices, in my opinion, is where the definition of being a "fool" lies.

It is a fool that gives away so much for so little.

If my wife chooses adultery again....I will have an opportunity to be a real fool. God understands adultery and the unique sin it is. It would not please him if I continued to, in anyway, support that sin. But, right now that sin is no longer a part of my wife. I suspect it is no longer a part of your husbands either.

My wife had full knowledge of what she was doing and that it was wrong. She knew adultery was immoral, she knew she was wrecking 2 family's, she chose to ignore her therapist, her sister. She choose to act with purpose in known foolish ways...she was a fool. Not a judgement, a fact.

At that point she was no longer innocent.... Her actions were blatantly intentional....active choices were made that were not smart.

Please note I used "were" and. "Was" above to describe how my wife choose to act.

I know you are hurting badly right now....but before you file papers....please try to discern if your husband is STILL the fool or if he is in "recovery".

I don't know if you had multiple DD's or TT'ing....all factor into the ultimate decision to D or R.

You will be in my prayers.

Keep the faith.....post often.....we got your back.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:29 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

sinsof thefather posted 2/19/2014 10:19 AM

I'm a fool. I'm a complete idiot for trusting him.

Hatemyhusband I can only reiterate what blakesteele said. You are not the fool here. You were living a good, honest and respectful life, and it is only natural that you trusted your husband to be the respectable family man that he portrayed himself to be.

Your husband is the true fool because he threw away all of that, all of your trust, your respect, and maybe your marriage and family life - all so that he could behave like an hormonal teenybopper in lurve with his first crush. He was a middle aged man who slept on a couch for two years because he mistook himself for a porn star and wanted to send out nightly pics of himself to his equally sleazy partner.

I know who I think not only looks the fool - but was one - and it certainly isn't you.

wert posted 2/19/2014 10:52 AM

I'm a fool.

Oh I know if feels that way but think about this. People should not beat themselves up for opening their heart and giving love to the world or other people. It's the people who violate those who do so who are the predators.

IMO the real question is do you think your H has what is takes to make real change in who he is? That my friend is the question each of the BS's here on SI are trying to answer for themselves.

take care....

devasted30 posted 2/19/2014 16:41 PM

I feel this a lot of the time. In fact, just yesterday. How could I have been so blind. How did I not know? How could he have lied to me so easily? How? How? How?
I know exactly how you are feeling. I cannot believe my WS could cheat on me let alone lie so fucccccg well. I thought he loved me. I trusted him with everything I had. I knew he cared about me more more than life itself. I was his world. He did everything for me and always with me in mind. All he cared about was making me happy, making sure I was okay. Making sure I had everything and anything I needed. Ha ha ha. The joke is on me. He lied and cheated for almost 7 years. I got mysterious phone calls in the middle of the night. No clue. I received an anonymous letter in the mail and I knew it was a prank because whoever sent it did not know my husband. Couldn't know my husband because he would NEVER, EVER do something like that. Ha ha ha. The jokes on me. And then, when he returned after living with an OW for several weeks, he promised to tell me nothing but the truth. Ha ha ha, the jokes on me. When I received an email from the OW telling me how I didn't really know my husband because he hired a prostitute shortly after we married, how he had played games with 2 other prostitutes several years before her. How, not only had she, but another one of his girlfriends had been in my house and the special stuff they had done in my house, but when confronted about it, he denied it all. Oh wait, it turned out to all be true. After denying it for months when I would plead and beg for the truth, he finally admitted to all of it. How the other OW slept in my bed and cooked in my kitchen and showered n my bathroom. Ha ha, the jokes on me.
So, yes I know exactly how you feel. And why when I know all this disgusting stuff about this man am I still here? For me, I am too old to start anew. My WS is remorseful, ashamed and so very sorry. Hard to believe he could be so ashamed when he did it all so very, very easily. I am ashamed of myself for being here. I am disgusted with him. I hate this man so badly at times that it just makes me disgusted with myself for being here still. Pray that it will get better. Is it better now than 6 months ago? Yes, am I happy? No. Will I ever be happy? I don't know. I hope so. Time sure has helped. I know it will help you too. But, when we are feeling like this and they don't even have the decency to tell us all the truth, the whole truth No Matter What, it's hard to believe that we will ever move on from this. It's hard to believe that this is now our lives. I didn't sign up for this, did you?

[This message edited by devasted30 at 4:43 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]