There is a fool in your marriage....and you are NOT it.
Remorse level in your husband?
Written a timeline? An apology letter? Shared his journey to his " why" with you? Admit HE was a fool?
Pride was a strong factor in my wife. Very proud how she was independent, had no real needs, strong all in her own....perhaps even disdain for me as I expressed needs and desires. She wore her independent and controlled state of being as a badge of honor....judging others who were "emotional" as weak. The singular act of adultery has stripped all of that away and revealed some shocking truths.
Reality is she threw all that was dear to hear in the trash to sleep with an almost stranger. That is not a character trait of a strong, independent person....it is a trait of an addict living for nothing more than to get there next fix. A state of being that is nothing but dependent.
Nightmares.....have plenty to feed them. But the night on my first DD was the one I wish I could "un-see". Sure the make out sessions and such are nightmare materials.....but to stand in our living room and watch your wife seriously consider me and our family against what she had with her fAP was.........unreal.
She was slow to leave that state....tough for me to endure to say the least. But to actually observe, see her body language as it craved "him" over "us" likened back to the meth head videos I have watched. The ones where officers show them pics of their spouse, kids, parents.....and they had no real affect on getting them to choose differently.
After DD#1 my wife did as they did....she aggressively sought out and got more of her drug. Myself, our pastor, our girls, her sister, her reputation in the community, her fAP reputation as a business owner, his family.....nothing and no one was going to stop her, change her mind.
You mentioned fool several times in the pas couple days.
It is one thing to feel foolish, be made a fool of. It is something entirely different to BE a fool.
I did trust my wife after DD#1....I didn't know better and was advised by a licensed therapist to do what I did, encouraged by my pastor as well. I was ignorant and did the best I could with the wisest counsel I had at the time. I did what I was advised to do....what my vows said I would do (better or worse)....what I thought was healthy for our girls. I suspect you did similar actions. Looking back a separation was most likely the better choice...but I don't consider what I did to be the action of a fool. Society may call me a fool....but that doesnt make me a fool. It pleases God when people fight to defend their M and protect their family. I was hurt by my own choices....but that, too, does not make me a fool. Fighting for what is right is noble...but, many times, you will get hurt.
I may have been in shock and in pain...but I knew the risks at some level on DD#1 and I chose to fight for my M and protect my family. It took courage. It was not foolish.
You are courageous....you are NOT foolish!
The motivation underneath those choices, in my opinion, is where the definition of being a "fool" lies.
It is a fool that gives away so much for so little.
If my wife chooses adultery again....I will have an opportunity to be a real fool. God understands adultery and the unique sin it is. It would not please him if I continued to, in anyway, support that sin. But, right now that sin is no longer a part of my wife. I suspect it is no longer a part of your husbands either.
My wife had full knowledge of what she was doing and that it was wrong. She knew adultery was immoral, she knew she was wrecking 2 family's, she chose to ignore her therapist, her sister. She choose to act with purpose in known foolish ways...she was a fool. Not a judgement, a fact.
At that point she was no longer innocent.... Her actions were blatantly intentional....active choices were made that were not smart.
Please note I used "were" and. "Was" above to describe how my wife choose to act.
I know you are hurting badly right now....but before you file papers....please try to discern if your husband is STILL the fool or if he is in "recovery".
I don't know if you had multiple DD's or TT'ing....all factor into the ultimate decision to D or R.
You will be in my prayers.
Keep the faith.....post often.....we got your back.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:29 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]