Madhatters doing well in R.
Don't get me wrong, I want to go and it's definitely benefiting me. But digging deep is hard. I'm looking at things in a whole new way.
Realising I haven't dealt with painful events in the past because of my slack boundaries and poor coping mechanisms, I can't believe how blind I was. How in denial I was.
BH and I separated for six months when I had depression after the birth of our eldest son. BH couldn't cope, so he moved out. During those six months we continued to have a sexual relationship but he also started seeing another woman. I never questioned it, I never acknowledged that it hurt me, I never even spoke to him about it. Why? Because I was depressed, all I wanted was my husband to come home. I didn't care enough about myself to say 'No! It is not ok to treat me like that.'
I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship as a teenager. He never raped me by using force but the consequences of turning his sexual advances down were so awful that it was just easier to let him get on with it. I discussed this with my IC yesterday. I don't think of it as rape so my IC said to think of it as non consential sex.
I have to think about why I let these things happen. Why did I think these things were ok? Why didn't I think I deserved to be treated better? Why do I not have appropriate boundaries for those things?
Acknowledging these things for what they are is painful, I am upset today. Is that stupid? It was so long ago, I should be over it really.
No need to reply, I am not discussing my IC sessions or my progress with BH so this place is my only outlet.
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.