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IC is hard!

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BrokenButTrying posted 2/19/2014 07:10 AM

Don't get me wrong, I want to go and it's definitely benefiting me. But digging deep is hard. I'm looking at things in a whole new way.

Realising I haven't dealt with painful events in the past because of my slack boundaries and poor coping mechanisms, I can't believe how blind I was. How in denial I was.

BH and I separated for six months when I had depression after the birth of our eldest son. BH couldn't cope, so he moved out. During those six months we continued to have a sexual relationship but he also started seeing another woman. I never questioned it, I never acknowledged that it hurt me, I never even spoke to him about it. Why? Because I was depressed, all I wanted was my husband to come home. I didn't care enough about myself to say 'No! It is not ok to treat me like that.'

I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship as a teenager. He never raped me by using force but the consequences of turning his sexual advances down were so awful that it was just easier to let him get on with it. I discussed this with my IC yesterday. I don't think of it as rape so my IC said to think of it as non consential sex.

I have to think about why I let these things happen. Why did I think these things were ok? Why didn't I think I deserved to be treated better? Why do I not have appropriate boundaries for those things?

Acknowledging these things for what they are is painful, I am upset today. Is that stupid? It was so long ago, I should be over it really.

No need to reply, I am not discussing my IC sessions or my progress with BH so this place is my only outlet.

JanaGreen posted 2/19/2014 08:03 AM

((HUGS)) It is hard, but it's worth it. And it seems to me like the most painful sessions are usually the most productive. Hang in there.

smez posted 2/19/2014 08:44 AM

Hang in there. IC is hard. I remember going into sessions and sitting there thinking "Why is my life so f'ed up". Some of those reasons were personal doings of my own and some were things out of my control. It was the things out of my control that were so painful.

Dealing with the past is hard. I have enough drama and baggage to make 12 individual Lifetime movies out of. It's even harder when you don't have a support system like a husband to lean on.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/19/2014 08:57 AM

Thanks, Jana

That interesting, smez. I find the things that were in my control more painful. I could have stopped the cycle of nonexistent boundaries, lack of self worth and prevented bad things from happening to me. It was all within my power to do that. But I didn't and that's what hurts.

At the same time, I realise I am becoming more self aware. I know what my weakness are now and where I have failed myself and others in the past. And I'm learning the tools to make myself stronger. So although it's painful, there is hope in the pain. If that makes sense?

smez posted 2/19/2014 11:54 AM

Absolutely makes sense. I like problems I can solve. And I can only solve problems that pertain to me. I can make me a better person. That at least gives me hope. I will make mistakes. I do make mistakes but I can learn from them.

Could I have prevented the A? Absolutely. Is that painful? Yes.

Can I fix my childhood? No and that to me is very painful. It makes me angry that I have such a shoddy foundation. Its like having to learn to ride a bike as an adult (something which I had to do). A hard, painful lesson that could have been avoided if I learned as a child.

I'm not sure if that makes sense.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/19/2014 12:53 PM

Perfect sense. Some of us are dealt a sh!tty hand from the beginning. I guess it's how we choose to grow from it that matters most.

helpemegetoverit posted 2/19/2014 15:31 PM

I can relate, some of your background is similar to mine and IC was so very hard for me. I would be totally drained after some sessions, at times I wanted to stop because it was almost too much but after what I had done I was determined to figure out why and do my best to move forward, with or without my husband, building myself up and engaging in only healthy relationships.

I'm actually thinking of re-starting after taking a bit of time off as I have found myself struggling with a few things recently. It's so hard to even think about starting again with someone new to have to rehash some of it, but my therapist moved so I have no choice.

Lostinthehills posted 2/19/2014 18:54 PM


Me too! I'm 53 but the things that happened to me from birth to my teenage years are still messing with's hard but keep digging and peeling those layers off and hopefully one day you will be the real you!!!

changedlife posted 2/20/2014 06:08 AM

IC is very hard. Once you start to accept and see that there is a much deeper problem than you ever knew about it can bring about some major emotions. Sometimes I feel crazy when I am in there and I think if I had a camera watching me I'd probably say the same thing watching my emotions. Its very hard but I think with a lot more time it can be worth it for my future and yours. Hang in there.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/20/2014 06:22 AM

Thanks for your responses everyone. It's reassuring to know that finding it hard is normal.

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