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I don't know what to think

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Bostonborn posted 2/19/2014 08:17 AM

D day was two weeks ago and H is VERY remorseful. I feel like it doesn't matter how he feels. Some moments I can't stand to look at him or be in the same room with him, and others I just want to run away with him to some deserted island and forget about the rest of the world. He is saying all the right things but I refuse to let myself believe that he is genuine. How do you know what comes next? What helps you decide to stay and try to R or to pack up and get out ASAP? I feel so stuck.

Aceofbase posted 2/19/2014 09:03 AM

As other will say the truth will be in his actions not his words. Unfortunately the answer is several weeks or months away. As I have felt for a long time I wish this all would go away and we could return to the spot that changed everything, but that was not my choice that was hers.

Please keep reading posts and the healing library. Take care of yourself.

norabird posted 2/19/2014 10:43 AM

Two weeks is so early that of course you are bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball! Consistency is the essence of remorse and right now you can't know how much your WH means what he is saying. It's commonly said on SI "trust, but verify." Of course you don't want to believe him yet--he hurt you deeply and you are protecting yourself from being hurt again. That makes perfect sense. Is he willing to be transparent with communication/passwords? Is he addressing what led him to make his bad choices in IC (individual counseling)? Has he told you EVERYTHING? Often there is minimization and hiding of the truth to try to do some damage control.

It can depend too on what type of cheating he did...I think ONS's are much better prospects for R, whereas serial cheating can indicate a lot of deep-seated issues that no one can fix but that person themselves.

Whatever the situation, be kind to yourself and let yourself feel all the different emotions that come. You do not need to decide if you are staying or leaving now. You do need to think about what boundaries you want to establish now and going forward to protect yourself. But time will help show you clarity and give you peace.

Bostonborn posted 2/19/2014 11:12 AM

He has supposedly told me everything and he also initiated NC. He wants to do MC but I don't know if I can face it. I truly believe that he's sorry but so what? Sorry is for suckers. I just don't want t be that person who foolishly believes a man and then ends up in a worse situation years from now. This is miserable.

william posted 2/19/2014 11:19 AM

yeah, its pretty hard to put yourself out there to get hurt again by the person who hurt and betrayed you already. i swore (in another life, long ago) that any infidelity and id leave. yet, i discover that for 2 years my wife was having serial affairs (1 long term, 2 one night stands with different guys, and multiple sexting guys) .. and yet ... here i am. i dont consider myself a sucker.

RealityStinks posted 2/19/2014 11:22 AM

The important thing to do right now is focus on you. Two weeks is not that much time, and you're still pretty raw. Give yourself some time to let what's happen really set in and for your thought process to come down off the emotional high.

If he's still jumping through hoops for you in a few months, then I would start thinking about R, IF YOU WANT TO R. That's a gift you'll give him. He does not get to demand it, and if he tries, tell him to leave.

I'll reiterate: ACTIONS speak louder than words. If his actions do not match what he's saying, tell him to hit the road. I REALLY wish I would have done that when I found out because she was not remorseful at all.

Hang in there. Time really does heel all wounds, but time never speeds up.

yearsofpain25 posted 2/19/2014 11:27 AM

Hi Bostonborn. Welcome to SI and this miserable roller coaster ride you didn't want to get on. I'm sorry you are in this position and wanted to know that you have been heard.

There is know way of knowing for sure what comes next definitively as everyone's experience is different. You are still in the very early stage so don't force yourself to worry about a decision of getting out or R at this point. You will have to make that decision eventually, but you are probably not in an emotional state to be able to sensibly make that decision. Or maybe you are.

Post here often and post more of your story as you go and people will help guide you.

Bostonborn posted 2/19/2014 11:28 AM

Thank you for your insights. I will try to remember these words when I am thinking about making a rash decision like moving across the country just to get away. *sigh*

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