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WW B-day soon, need advice

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neverwillhapn2me posted 2/19/2014 09:29 AM

My WW b-day is on Feb,26. I have told her I want a D and that I have seen a lawyer. valentines was simple I was not going to get her anything.

Her B-day is on the 26th I will not buy her anything but have struggle with the thought of atleast getting her a card. I used to get a blank card ever year and write words from my heart in it. obviously this would just say happy b-day.

Things have been pretty civil even after I told my WW I want a D and I do not want things to get nasty.

Any and all advice would and is appreciated.


mof2 posted 2/19/2014 09:34 AM

I don't see any harm in getting her a card. You are doing the right thing by trying to keep it civil. My ex and I stayed as civil as we could. But then he left me everything and didn't touch a dime in our savings and asked for no equity in the house.

7yrsflushed posted 2/19/2014 09:42 AM

You don't have to buy her anything. You don't even have to acknowledge her birthday. Your getting a D so best to start that detachment process now.

I will say that if you have kids and I see in your profile you have a young son then going forward you may want to give your son money to buy a gift for Mom on special occasions because your child WILL want to get something for Mom. Better yet have son make something for her.

I don't recognize any "special" days with my STBXWW. My kids are 8 and 6 so I pay for something THEY pick out for their Mother or I let them make something. As for me I don't recognize anything with my STBXWW unless it's about the kids. Finances were settled in the D process. And yes I have a good coparenting relationship with my EX.

ETA: If things are going to get nasty during the D process they are going to get nasty. Whether you recognize her birthday or not won't be the cause of the nastiness. If she wants it to get nasty she will find or make up all kinds of reasons for things to get nasty. If you are still unsure and feel the need to get something then get a card and sign your son's name to it. So your son gave her the birthday card not you.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:44 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

sparkysable posted 2/19/2014 10:09 AM

Don't you DARE buy her a card! There's "not getting nasty", and then there's "unnecessarily kissing her ass and feeding her ego kibbles". If you have children and would like them to get her a card and gift, then fine, but coming from you? No way.

NikkiD posted 2/19/2014 10:14 AM

I'd pass on getting her a care. Have you son make her one.

BAB61 posted 2/19/2014 11:44 AM

I'm on the fence, have you started D proceedings? Is there any way you would R? If you are ambivalent, get a general B-day card and sign it from you and have your son sign it also. That way it's not special from you.

Just mho.

Are you doing the 180 fully? If not, please do so. Crickets, crickets, crickets!!

[This message edited by BAB61 at 11:47 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

wonderpets posted 2/19/2014 12:18 PM

I wouldn't. It will make the rest of detaching easier.

I would say happy birthday if you see her, that's about the most if do.

Undefinabl3 posted 2/19/2014 12:53 PM

I am in the "dont do it" crowd.

you made yourself clear on V-day that you would not be getting her things. It's no longer your 'job' to get her cards for her birthday.

If you ahve kids, then help your kids out, but otherwise, nadda.

There's "not getting nasty", and then there's "unnecessarily kissing her ass and feeding her ego kibbles".

I think that this has another point as well. There are now new bounderies with her that you will need to start enforcing within yourself and between the two of you.

Buying her a card right now is going over your boundery.

Brandon808 posted 2/19/2014 14:16 PM

What wonderpets suggested.

ThisHell posted 2/19/2014 16:17 PM

I think as parents its important to instill in our kids to think of others, especially doing thoughtful things for their parent. Even if divorced. I would give your son a few dollars and let him get her whatever it is HE chooses from HIM without your input other than a financial limit. I would not get anything from you though. Perhaps just say happy birthday, DS has something he wanted to get for you from him... or whatever. No extra effort on your part. She fired you from that remember?

GabyBaby posted 2/19/2014 16:22 PM

I'd help your kids make her something simple or help them pick out a card from them to her.

Other than that, WS would get nada from me.
Time to detach!

Just because you're skipping giving her a card doesn't mean your being uncivil (or mean). Being less than civil would be getting a card and filling it with dog crap or writing something derogatory about her. Silence, however, is golden.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 4:24 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

lilacs40 posted 2/19/2014 19:04 PM

I agree I wouldn't get a card.

Thefly559 posted 2/19/2014 19:05 PM

Come on. Get her a card? Really? Why can't it be civil without getting her a card? Divorce is war. Is war civil? I am sorry but it is time to detach brother. Buy the hot chick at the grocery store a card now. Just my opinion. Sorry.

neverwillhapn2me posted 2/20/2014 15:48 PM

Thank you all for Everything, I think it would be a lot easier if I were not still living in the same house.

I believe I will take my son out and have him choose something for mom and have him make a card.

Once again thank you for all of your wisdom.

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