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trying2live posted 2/19/2014 12:11 PM

How do WS deal with your BH having a close female friend? I trust my husband but I also know how things start. He says they are just friends and nothing has or will never happen between them. I struggle with my anger towards this relationship. Part of me knows that I need to let it go and trust him. But the other part of me is making this out to be more than what it actually is. I feel like I am always looking for something to go wrong. Any advise would be appreciated!!

SandAway posted 2/19/2014 13:46 PM

Well it depends.

Is he completely open and honest about their friendship? Does he include you? Is this a new friendship?

I believe that friendships can be M/F but it should never come before you and him.

The books 'Not just friends' and 'Emotional Infidelity' are great books that you both should read, if you haven't already.

trying2live posted 2/19/2014 13:56 PM

The friendship started less than a year ago. I do feel left out. There are times where I feel like I need to compete for his attention. I have accused them of having feeling for each other. I hate feeling this way.

BrokenButTrying posted 2/19/2014 17:04 PM

Trying, you have no idea how much I can relate to this.

BH has always flirted with a friend of mine. She moved away a year ago but I know they still talk on Facebook and recently they started snap chatting. BH is very private, I don't know the password to his phone, Facebook or email. He spends all evening on his phone nowadays, barely looks up from it.

I keep telling myself not to judge him by my own disgusting standards. I know deep down he's not capable of cheating on me. I could never talk to him about it now, he would go crazy if he knew what I was thinking.

Lostinthehills posted 2/19/2014 18:08 PM

Hi!

I don't have any advice for you but your feelings are real and they bother you. I can remember thinking my BS was cheating just like I was. When my D-Day hit and in the weeks that followed I realized and now know for sure she had never ever cheated. The jealousy was there with me though which makes it even more screwed up...I mean here I was out doing despicable things and then being jealous of some guy who simply smiled at her or said hi!...truly I was a jerk!! I remember thinking "If I'm cheating on her then I guess it's ok if she cheats as well" That was just my pathetic way to justify myself doing the things I did. After D-Day I was still jealous but this feeling starting coming over me that if she did cheat then that's what I deserved.

Fortunately we found a great MC and though I have a long way to go those feelings I had are less and less. I am learning to trust myself again and like myself again. My BS and I are seeing that our marriage is worth so much to us and we are doing everything we can to be happy with us!
Blessings and good luck!

trying2live posted 2/22/2014 13:41 PM

I will say that my husband has been amazing with understanding my feelings about this friendship. Deep down I know they are just friends. Last night he told me he was going to make a nice romantic evening for me when I got home from work. But I was so sick it didn't happen. But just the fact that he put in that effort to plan something really made me feel special. I told him I don't need the stars and the moon. I just need those little moments. I know in time my insecurities will be less and I will be more comfortable with their friendship. I still need to work on me and my IC sessions have really helped.