"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

nekorb posted 2/19/2014 12:49 PM

But shouldn't I at least tell him I'm most likely filing for D instead of LS?

We want to negotiate as much as possible ourselves. Don't I have to be reasonable on some level to do that?

I should think he would be as happy as a lark that he's not going to be married anymore.

Of course...he wanted a dissolution in the beginning...

Is there a benefit to divorce over dissolution?

Of course, I'm already seeing he isn't a good compromiser.

Dreamboat posted 2/19/2014 12:52 PM

Of course, I'm already seeing he isn't a good compromiser.

And he is a bully. Therefore any effort to negotiate or mediate will be one sided.

File for D and THEN tell him that he is being served.

Softcentre posted 2/19/2014 12:53 PM

NOOOO!

He didn't tell you before screwing someone else.

And honestly? He sounds like a manipulative controlling bully who won't actually negotiate but just bulldoze you into what he wants. I think that mediation will be a waste of time and money.

I know this is hard to hear. But please listen.

gypsybird87 posted 2/19/2014 13:07 PM

NOOOO!
He didn't tell you before screwing someone else.

^^^^ This.

He is the one that started your marriage on the path to divorce when he chose to cheat. You do not owe him any courtesy along the way. He certainly didn't show you any!

Please, please, please.... you really need to focus more on what's best for you (and your kids!) and a lot less on what's best for your STBXWH. I know he was your focus for a long time, and it's a hard habit to break. But this is the time.

((nekorb))

sparkysable posted 2/19/2014 13:27 PM

Did he at least tell you when he was having an affair? No?

GabyBaby posted 2/19/2014 13:32 PM

NOOOO!
He didn't tell you before screwing someone else.

This.
And frankly, I wouldnt tell him he's about to be served either. Don't give him a "heads up" so he can avoid the process servers.

GabyBaby posted 2/19/2014 13:34 PM

Nekorb you need to treat him like he's a stranger who just beat you to a pulp and put you in the hospital.
Would you tell your attacker that you're going to press charges? No, you'd just DO it.

WeepingBuddhist posted 2/19/2014 14:14 PM

I told STBX I wanted out, but I already had met with an attorney and knew what the process would look like in our case. once we had generally agreed to everything, we completed the dissolution affidavits and then my lawyer filed. YMMV, but it has mostly been amicable. Everything has taken twice as long as I'd hoped, but our final hearing is tomorrow.

StillLivin posted 2/19/2014 14:43 PM

I wouldn't...oh wait, I didn't. Took the advice of dear friends who have been there with their XWSs.
I'm glad I didn't. Here is why.
He repeatedly threatened he was D'ing me when he would be back from Afghanistan. He told me over and over how unhappy he was and how glad he was going to be D'ing me when he finally got back.
Oh, wait, we are in a covenant M....he can't D me without fault. Ooooops. That meant he couldn't D me. I sent him the legal paperwork informing him this. He was FURIOUS with me that he could not get a D.
Fast forward, he gets home and several hours later in the a.m. he is served with only LS papers. He was furious yet again. I thought he was mad that he was only getting a LS. Nope, he was mad that I dared to file anything against him. To this day, I, friends, and family believe he doesn't want a D...won't t/j and go into all the details. He just wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wanted me at home pining away for him. After he "taught me a lesson", then he would come home on HIS terms and I would be the contrite wife taking him back and letting him continue to eat cake. FTS!!!
Your WS may tell you til he is blue in the face he wants a D, but if he didn't file, he didn't want a D and now you just took all of his power to threaten, demonize, and hurt you away from him.
He will VERY likely be vindictive and downright awful to you if you warn him.
Now let me ask you this. Why do you need to tell him? The process server will tell him for you when he is served. Look deep inside yourself, are you hoping that by telling him first, you will get him to come to his senses and realize he is making a mistake? This is not going to happen. It just isn't and I'm sorry.
I also get that you want to negotiate, but he is a WS and he is not in his right mind right now. You need to make your demands. Ask for more (but be fair and reasonable...judges don't like bitter in their courtrooms) and negotiate THEN for less if you must.
You would no more dissolve a business (which in reality that is what a M really is in many ways) without an attorney at least reviewing the contract.
I hope this helps.

RealityStinks posted 2/19/2014 14:52 PM

Your WS may tell you til he is blue in the face he wants a D, but if he didn't file, he didn't want a D and now you just took all of his power to threaten, demonize, and hurt you away from him.

My WW did that exact same thing to me. Threatened D, but she never filed. I was tired of the limbo, and I pushed her to him.

You don't owe him anything at this point. YOU do what YOU feel is right. Regardless of what anyone else, including myself, suggest.

I called my WW the night before the D papers were filed the next morning. I would hope she would have done the same to me if the roles were reversed. "Do to others what you would have them do to you". That's why I called her.

7yrsflushed posted 2/19/2014 14:55 PM

No, he is no longer your partner, friend, confidant, lover, best bud, or even your wayward husband. He is your soon to be ex husband wayward husband or STBXWH.

You owe him nothing. He didn't tell you when he stated his A so you don't tell him when you file for D. You don't have to be reasonable at all. That's what you have the lawyer for. Please start focusing on yourself. Put a rubber band on your wrist and everytime you think "what will STBXWH think or say" pop the rubber band. Your first thought should be what will nekorb want, say, or think about this. Start to detach and focus on you now. The sooner you do that the sooner things start to get better. You still have a long way to go and the sooner you detach the better.

Phoenix1 posted 2/19/2014 15:57 PM

I am going against the grain here, but only you know what will or will not work in your situation. I wanted a dissolution rather than going through a divorce trial. I wanted it over with as soon as possible, and I was willing to be amicable to do that. Did he give me the same consideration when he was fucking other women? No. But I knew what type of person he is and I had leverage, and I was able to get him to come to the settlement table in a civil manner. Not everyone has that as an option. The dissolution is much faster, but both parties MUST be willing to negotiate in good faith or it won't work. If he won't be reasonable, dissolution won't work for you, no matter how amicable you try to be. No one knows your situation better than you. The benefit to me of dissolution over divorce? Much faster, no attorney fees, and I got in the settlement what I would have received had it gone to a full divorce trial.

nekorb posted 2/19/2014 16:27 PM

Thanks everyone.

I'm not telling him in advance because I think it will change his mind.

I'm protecting myself from his anger at being blindsided with D papers when he thinks we are doing LS for the benefit of me having health insurance. He didn't have to agree to that, you know?

He still lives here. I don't want him coming home and raging at me.

I like the idea of letting him know the night before he is going to be served. He won't dodge the process server. He WANTS to leave. Particularly if they serve him at work. He has to be close by at all times. He won't be able to avoid them even if he wants to.

Part of me wonders if only being separated vs D was giving him "insulation" against having to commit to M with the OW.

Well, maybe he should have been careful of what he wished for.

Thanks again everyone.

I agree that thinking of him first all the time is going to be a really hard habit to break.

Why is this concept so hard for me to grasp??