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My H told me last night . . .

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Swandart posted 2/19/2014 13:19 PM

. . That he had met up with a woman he used to work with once before Christmas and twice since. He swears there was no intercourse just kissing and touching in the car on each occasion.

I am distraught and have not stopped crying for 24 hours but really it is not much of a surprise if I am honest.

We have been together almost 13 years, married almost 10 and have 2 beautiful children 6 and 3.

We have been having problems with argueing, undermining, each other etc on and off for the past year or so. We have got to the point on several occasions when we have almost called it a day but deep down we found we still loved each other and definitely for the sake of my lovely children. Each time things got better for a few weeks, being polite and considerate to each other and then something would start the downward spiral again.

In the last 6 months we have had no intercourse between us, barely a cuddle. Partly due to the fact that my H works such long hours and am often in bed when he gets home.

I always believed we could work through this. He even suggested a counsellor in November and then failed to arrange anything. When we hit this point again in January I said what about the counsellor and he said he didn't want to do it now.

So on reading a text last week saying 'I didn't want to be presumptuous but I thought I might come over' to which the girl replied 'yes that would be' I asked him about it last night. At this point he confessed to meeting her for the 3 times as he was just craving attention and affection.

As I said I am distraught, 1 that he has chosen this way out rather than try to get help first and 2 for my poor children. Do people not consider the impact on anyone other than themselves?

The real struggle I am having with this is that I know this is because I was constantly pushing him away. Until last night I would constantly think to myself I won't be surprised if he has an affair! That's no way for a marriage to be in the first place is it?!

I desperately wanted things to work as aside from this we have a wonderful, very comfortable life, it was just the relationship bit missing. And it never used to be like that for 11 years we were so so happy. But I did little to make things better.

I have asked him to leave and obviously the children are now upset that daddy won't be living here. This is the part that is breaking my heart the most.

My head is going to explode and I know it's not a simple question of do we try and work through this or not but my head is just spinning. Can your forgive and forget? I know if i said to him lets get counselling and try he would but at the same time he hasnt really put up a fight for me. Please help I just don't know what to do

Aceofbase posted 2/19/2014 13:51 PM

I am sorry you are here.

All us BS have been there. My head would not stop spinning. You will have thoughts that you did something wrong. The affair is not your fault. He needed to man up and find out why he was dissatisfied wit the marriage.

Time will tell if he is truly remorseful and look for this in his actions not his words. You must also insist that he have no further contact with the OW.

Please keep reading the forum but also educate yourself by reading the healing library. There are many tabs at the top that you do not want to miss.

norabird posted 2/19/2014 13:57 PM

I am so so sorry. You are right--this is no way for things to be. However, I don't say that to blame you--this is his choice alone. Only to say that there is a lot of work ahead for you both to rebuild a better, functioning relationship to make your M work. It's not enough to stay together to be comfortable. If you were pushing him away, I'm wondering: is the love in your heart still there for him? Do you *want* to put in the work? That's a big, important question and doesn't need to be answered now. But you do have a choice here, and can choose whatever best suits your own happiness. You will both have to be really committed, and your WH (wayward husband) will have to be totally remorseful for forgiveness to happen, but 'forgive and forget' right away is just another phrase for rugsweeping and won't heal your issues.

I also want to say, very gently, that you should be prepared to learn that much worse went on with the OW. The first revelation is often incomplete. Be prepared to learn it went longer or was more physical than he says.

It's good you have kicked him out because it means you are naturally detaching and that will keep you strong. Know it's not your fault--marital issues are owned 50/50, but the A is 100% on him. Know your kids WILL be okay. And focus on being good to yourself. There is no rush. Ask your heart what path you want to take and eventually you will find the answer. Try and see an IC (individual counselor) if you can, and eat, sleep, drink fluids. I'm so sorry for your pain.

[This message edited by norabird at 1:58 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

tigerlsu posted 2/19/2014 14:09 PM

I am so sorry that you are going through this! I am a little ahead of you in the matter. I have known for about 45 days. Our stories sound erily (sp?) the same! You need to stop blamming yourself. No matter the problems you were having he chose to do this and it has nothing to do with you!
I hope that this is a place where you can get wise counsil and advice!

Focus on yourself and your girls right now!

Swandart posted 2/19/2014 14:13 PM

Thank you very much for your replies. Its nice to be able to offload some of this emotional turmoil.

I desperately want to talk to my mum about it but if I tell her I know there is no chance if reconciling as my mum and dad would be devastated and would never let him into the fold again which would make R 100 times harder.

I know there could be more, and I have set myself up for that but I really do believe he is telling the truth on this one. Through my shouting and tears he answered all the questions I asked of him but I know and there is always that tinge if doubt.

Do people actually get over affairs?

Swandart posted 2/19/2014 14:15 PM

Thank you Tigerlsu

And after 45 days where are you on this?

Swandart posted 2/19/2014 14:18 PM

Thinking about it, the biggest thing for me is I don't want to be that single mum in the playground, at parents evening, in my child's class of 30 not 1 parent is divorced. I know it shouldn't matter what other people think but I just feel so humiliated and the thought if having to tell everyone just makes staying together seem the easier option.

Sorry I am just rambling. It's just because I have noone else to talk to

norabird posted 2/19/2014 14:28 PM

Would you rather be a happy single mom, able to find a new better love in the future, or an unhappy married one? This is not about what other people think. It is about YOU. And you have NOTHING to be humiliated over. What seems 'easy'--staying together--isn't really. It doesn't involve change, but your situation desperately needs to change. Staying where you are is a recipe for being dissatisfied.

You only have one life. Don't waste it to keep up appearances. You have to do what will make you happiest. Some people do recover, so it's an option, but lots of people also fight through the messiness of a divorce with all the logistical shifts it requires and they come out just fine in the end.

Have faith in your own strength and don't be afraid.

LonelySilhouette posted 2/19/2014 15:07 PM

Do people actually get over affairs?

Get over them? I dunno. But they can learn to walk beside it and work to create a new marriage if both spouses are willing to. I know that probably seems quite implausible right now.

painfulpast posted 2/19/2014 16:24 PM

Hi Swandart - sorry you find yourself here in this position. None of us wanted this in our lives.

I find your posts interesting. I'm quite certain you're hurting, so please don't read this the wrong way - but are you hurting that he did this, or are you hurting that it's finally over? You said you've been pushing him away for at least 6 months, and that you have a very comfortable life, except for this relationship. Please don't mistake my words for placing an ounce of blame for his cheating on you. That is NOT your fault, at all. He owns that, 100%. It's just that you seem to want him to want to be with you, but you don't seem that you want to be with him. Your reasons for wanting him are about comfort, appearances, etc.

If you think you're ok with him being gone, do you really want him back? I promise, in a few years, there will be more than 1 set of divorced parents in the class.

I'm only asking for your happiness, not to disparage you. I hope that is coming across. If you aren't going to be happy with him, do you really want to try to R?

Regardless of your response, I'm very sorry for the pain you're in. Infidelity hurts, period. No matter what was happening in your marriage, you did not deserve this.

Swandart posted 2/19/2014 16:42 PM

I think you are right. I do love him, but I have felt a lot of resentment with his increasingly stressful job taking away from our family time and I took it out on him by being cold.

I am not justifying why he did it at all as I felt the same and I didn't go out and get with someone but at the same time I can see why it has led to this.

We have just spent over an hour talking and he swears they never slept together and I honestly do believe him. It doesn't make it any less worse of course.

Honestly, he 'was' the love of my life and we were sooo happy I just don't know how we have ended up here. I expect like most of you.

Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words. He is moving out for the foreseeable future and I will just take a while to gather my thoughts and dote on my babies. Just hate that I will have to start telling people why he is not here, I would rather figure out how I feel first without getting everyone else involved too

Thank you all

JustWow posted 2/19/2014 16:51 PM

Marriages can heal from affairs, but it takes a ton of work by both people. Your H has to be completely honest, transparent, accountable, remorseful, etc., etc.

I don't know him, but have been around here long enough to know the first bits of truth are seldom the whole truth. And sudden confessions are often meant to head off the other person's BS or a jilted OW from outing the A to you. It is not at all unlikely that the A was much more involved and longer than you've been told. I would not be surprised if the A was the reason you two have not been getting along for the last year, you just didn't know it.

You need to focus on you, and your kids right now. Talk to an attorney, you do not have to file, but knowing where you stand is empowering and many lawyers offer a free initial consult.

The worst outcome after infidelity is not divorce, it is being in a marriage with an unremorseful wayward who is either still involved with or pining away for the AP.

Does this other person's spouse know? He needs to. Are you sure this is a former colleague and not a current one? Have you verified any of his "confession"?

Cheaters lie and liars cheat, be skeptical of what you are told. Verify. Check your cell bills, credit card statements, his email and FB messages, etc. Don't take much at face value. If he has told the whole truth, that will be verified and will actually help to build trust with him if you are able to verify his story. If you cannot, you need to figure out what you need to do next.

Sorry you had to join us, but I'm glad you found us. You will get lots of perspectives, use what fits you best.

Oh, yeah, there is one universal truth to remember - do NOT believe you can "nice" your H back into the M. Be firm with what YOU need, and know you are worth the effort. You are the prize, and he needs to be willing to do the work to win that prize back. If not, he is not worthy of it.

JustWow posted 2/19/2014 16:54 PM

Whose idea was it that he move out? It may be well worth it to have a PI on him while he is out. Often times waywards need space to think - which translates to - spending time with the AP. I have a hinky feeling you're getting a fraction of the truth.

I hope I'm wrong.

Swandart posted 2/19/2014 17:21 PM

The girl is single and lives with 2 friends so no other halves to consider there.

I know (of) the girl as H and her are friends of last 4 years. and when I asked who it was he told me (which is backed up by the message I saw).

He doesn't love this girl, he doesn't want to be with her, she doesn't want to be with him I'm pretty sure. I think it was needing someone and that person being there then.

I know everyone will think I am naive thinking this but I honestly think he has told me everything. They have seen each other 3 times for about half hour over the last 2 months, the last one being a few weeks ago. He told her he didn't want it to go further as he wanted to try and sort things work with us. I think also she probably had a say in it and maybe didn't want to start a full blown affair with a married man from what I know of her. I think his decision was probably affected by hers although he isn't saying that.

BUT he has said he can't see how things will work with us as I will never forgive him for the betrayal ( we have discussed during our time together if one of us cheated what would we do and I was adamant that would be your lot). I can see this but I'm also wondering why he is not fighting for us if he wants to make things work. After a year of not getting on I can see why.

Need to sleep now as splitting head. Thank you

SeanFLA posted 2/19/2014 17:35 PM

I can see this but I'm also wondering why he is not fighting for us if he wants to make things work.

Huge guess here but could be leaning towards he wants you to make a decision on the marriage based on what he did and he's not fighting for you. Maybe he really does want out. And this is his version of an exit affair. He feels if you make the decision to dissolve the marriage, he won't feel so badly about it. But if he cheats and files, he looks like the man that left his wife and kids...the ultimate bad guy. I say this because it's what my exWW tried to do with me. Until I told her I wanted to stay to work this out somehow. She turned unremorseful on me at that point because her exit plan wasn't working as she cooked up I believe. Now she looked like the ultimate bad wife and mother. Watch his actions. They will speak very loudly.

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