On D-Day, I was completely in shock. It was like I was hit by a truck, and I couldn't breathe. All I could think was to say "Get the F out of my house" ... It was first thing in the morning, we had just had sex. He left without talking to me. He gave me no explanation, no excuses, no comments. He just grabbed a few things and left. I had no idea where he was going. After that I was in a panic. What the hell had just happened? I tried to text him and he wouldn't answer me. I said we needed to talk. No answer. I spent the whole day in a fog. Finally in the middle of the night I received a message that said he loved me more than anything in the world and he was more sorry than he could ever tell me.
The next morning his mom called me and said she had received a weird text message from him in the middle of the night telling her he loved her. I told her what had happened. She became concerned about him and asked me to call his work and see if he was there. My H and my son work together for the same company. I sent my son a text to ask him if H was at work. He sent me a reply saying "No he is not, but I can't tell you why right now." WTH? Are you serious? So I forced a reply, and he sent me the Sheriff's phone number and said to call them. He said H had tried to kill himself and then was arrested. He was sitting in jail! He had been arrested for having a loaded gun in his vehicle.
At that moment, all of MY pain fell to the wayside with concern over my H. I had to rescue him. He was in a town a couple hours away, so I put myself in gear and drove the distance to bail him out. From that moment on, I did what I always do ... put myself on the backburner to take care of him.
His reason for making this choice was that he believed I would never forgive him and he could not live without me. He instantly realized what he was losing. But to not even talk to me first? To not even give me the chance to SAY I wouldn't forgive him? I had sent him text messages during the day saying we needed to talk. I was obviously willing to hear what he had to say. He didn't answer me.
How could he do this? Are you kidding me? You were going to leave this world forever without giving me an explanation of any kind over how you could do this to me? No goodbye, no explanation. What about the kids? No concern over the devastation to these poor kids who adore you? How F*CKING selfish could you be?????? What a COWARD!!!! Instead of facing your guilt and shame like a man, your choice was to commit the ultimate act of cowardice and escape. Part of me feels like this was a diversion for him. It was a way to turn the anger into pity. That is the feeling I can't make go away. All I can think to myself is HOW DARE YOU!!! And then I feel guilty for feeling that way, and so I go around and around between anger and guilt. If I can't say I'm angry about it because he tried to kill himself for gosh sakes (aren't I supposed to feel pity?), then how can I get over being mad?
I have forgiven him. I understand how everything happened. We are in a good place and I'm learning to deal with my pain and resentment. This is the last thing that I am having a hard time putting behind me. Why can't I just put it in the same place as the A and let it go? I think this last thing is bothering me MORE than the A. It almost feels like a larger betrayal.
The upside? Well, at least he doesn't have any excuse to avoid therapy now. I think you've got a very good reason to tell him that you're not qualified to deal with his issues and that he needs to fix himself before you talk about your future.
I'm glad he's still alive, though.
I hope you're putting at least some of your needs first now.
If you wanted to vent, that's great.
OTOH, if you want feedback or dialog, I ask, 'What has he done to make amends?'
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
-October 3, 2007-
My H is a SA, and we had a formal disclosure in December. The day afterwards my therapist sends me an email telling me she's been called out of town and will see me in January - four weeks later. The day after that my WSAH shares with me he is having suicidal thoughts. So...after disclosure, instead of getting ANY support whatsoever, I have to push my pain to the side yet again, to make sure WSAH doesn't kill himself for feeling so sad over hurting me and all the shame his behavior causes him. God forbid I should get any actual support or therapeutic healing not focused on how hard all this is for him.
He DID make the attempt. He was in a campground and attempted to hang himself from a tree. He had been texting back & forth with a friend who became concerned about him and called the Sheriff to check on him. I read the police report and also the text messages back and forth with his friend. When the Sheriff found him, he was walking back to his Jeep with the broken rope with a noose at one end. Apparently the rope broke. (Unless of course he broke it on purpose to make it look like it broke? That is how my mind is playing this). TBH in a weird way I wish I could fully believe the story. The doubt is bugging me as much as knowing the truth would, I think. They searched his vehicle and found the loaded gun, for which he was arrested. Another doubt for me is why didn't they commit him somewhere on a 72-hr suicide watch? Wouldn't that make more sense than putting him in jail? Doesn't make any sense to me. He told me all he could think about while sitting in jail was getting out finding a way to do it "right" this time.
We have both gone through IC and MC. Like I said, all is well with us both. He has come a VERY long way. His reason for the A was a bit of an identity crisis. For our entire relationship he has "worked" for me in my business. He was kind of a "kept" man in a way, or that's how he felt. I made all the money and I can be controlling. I think he felt powerless. He finally started a new job and was working out of town. He said he felt like a completely different person. He met this woman at a restaurant and they started talking. He was out of town, this woman made him feel like a "man", something he was apparently lacking in the unbalance of power he felt in our relationship.
All in all, this experience changed us both dramatically. I learned to "let him be a man" and how good it feels to build up my man. I WANT him to feel powerful, and I've never been good at that. Now I am. He on the other hand has learned that my business is OUR business, and not to feel lesser than just because it was mine first. He takes more involvement in the decisions. He also has grown in his own job and is very appreciated. In just a year he has already been put in a management position. All of these things combined (plus some) have made our marriage a new and different one. HOWEVER, on the flip side, I am now dealing with the after effects of his betrayal. So, lots of good combined with lots of bad. It's a struggle.
I'm just learning to deal with my resentment at this point. I get all the logical reasons why this happened, but it doesn't make it easier to deal with.