This is something I'm really struggling with, because I feel like it's unfair of me to be mad at him for this. It just feels like another betrayal to me. This is the last piece of my struggle, and if I can move past this I feel like I can put it behind me.
On D-Day, I was completely in shock. It was like I was hit by a truck, and I couldn't breathe. All I could think was to say "Get the F out of my house" ... It was first thing in the morning, we had just had sex. He left without talking to me. He gave me no explanation, no excuses, no comments. He just grabbed a few things and left. I had no idea where he was going. After that I was in a panic. What the hell had just happened? I tried to text him and he wouldn't answer me. I said we needed to talk. No answer. I spent the whole day in a fog. Finally in the middle of the night I received a message that said he loved me more than anything in the world and he was more sorry than he could ever tell me.
The next morning his mom called me and said she had received a weird text message from him in the middle of the night telling her he loved her. I told her what had happened. She became concerned about him and asked me to call his work and see if he was there. My H and my son work together for the same company. I sent my son a text to ask him if H was at work. He sent me a reply saying "No he is not, but I can't tell you why right now." WTH? Are you serious? So I forced a reply, and he sent me the Sheriff's phone number and said to call them. He said H had tried to kill himself and then was arrested. He was sitting in jail! He had been arrested for having a loaded gun in his vehicle.
At that moment, all of MY pain fell to the wayside with concern over my H. I had to rescue him. He was in a town a couple hours away, so I put myself in gear and drove the distance to bail him out. From that moment on, I did what I always do ... put myself on the backburner to take care of him.
His reason for making this choice was that he believed I would never forgive him and he could not live without me. He instantly realized what he was losing. But to not even talk to me first? To not even give me the chance to SAY I wouldn't forgive him? I had sent him text messages during the day saying we needed to talk. I was obviously willing to hear what he had to say. He didn't answer me.
How could he do this? Are you kidding me? You were going to leave this world forever without giving me an explanation of any kind over how you could do this to me? No goodbye, no explanation. What about the kids? No concern over the devastation to these poor kids who adore you? How F*CKING selfish could you be?????? What a COWARD!!!! Instead of facing your guilt and shame like a man, your choice was to commit the ultimate act of cowardice and escape. Part of me feels like this was a diversion for him. It was a way to turn the anger into pity. That is the feeling I can't make go away. All I can think to myself is HOW DARE YOU!!! And then I feel guilty for feeling that way, and so I go around and around between anger and guilt. If I can't say I'm angry about it because he tried to kill himself for gosh sakes (aren't I supposed to feel pity?), then how can I get over being mad?
I have forgiven him. I understand how everything happened. We are in a good place and I'm learning to deal with my pain and resentment. This is the last thing that I am having a hard time putting behind me. Why can't I just put it in the same place as the A and let it go? I think this last thing is bothering me MORE than the A. It almost feels like a larger betrayal.
Me (50)
H (40)
Married 7yrs, Together 12
D-Day Sunday 6/10/2012
Porn D-Day 3/01/2014
(H) had EA, PA for 6 weeks
5 kids, his & mine