Always before I was doing all the relationship care taking, in fact the house and kid care taking as well. Really just about all of it. I planned our special Friday nights at home, our every other week Saturday night dates, our long weekends away every 3-4 months, our week long trips and family vacations. I bought the sexy lingerie and toys. He always participated willingly and this kept us as close as his issues at the time allowed. But never once did he make a dinner reservation, or even say the words "I would like to spend time with you". I got plenty of I love yous and you're beautifuls, etc, but mostly he was thinking about himself and trying to sneak away to watch tv, play video games, etc. I would bring this up and would say that just once I would like him to stop playing a game and say that he wanted to be with me. He always said he was "fine" and I usually just let it drop. I learned that if I pushed he would withdraw further and accuse me of being a "nag".
After Dday he no longer could say that he was "fine". He finally got help and continues to do the work. And the differences I see are amazing! He now does chores around the house without being asked and has developed into a real sous chef. He goes out of his way to be romantic with cards, flowers, gifts, sweet texts throughout the day. He opens up more and more about his feelings. But what may mean the most to me is that now he says "I miss you, when are we going to spend quality time together?", or just asks if I'd like to climb in the tub with him, or meet him for dinner. I finally feel that I have an equal partner in this marriage and that I am as important to him as he is to me. We are both committed to continuing to nurture our relationship for the rest of our lives.
I still wish this would have happened without the A crap, however!
Tell me about it. I married the man he was pretending to be. Married life showed what he really was. I'm glad now that he became the man I thought I married and the man he wished he is.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
-October 3, 2007-
I married the man he was pretending to be. Married life showed what he really was. I'm glad now that he became the man I thought I married and the man he wished he is.
Simple, well said!! That's exactly what it's like.
Catlover, the transformation can be amazing to witness, and a real head scratcher sometimes. It takes a while to trust that the changes you see are authentic and here to stay. It's just a shame it all had to come at such a high cost.
Peoplepleaser, I feel that way too. I now have a complete, authentic person to love and am able to give and receive that love in a way that was never possible before. Frankly, I didn't know what I was missing, but it is so much more fulfilling now.
I'm so glad someone else feels the same way. As I typed it I wondered if it sounded crazy, even though I know it to be true.
Like you said, life is better now than before or during the affair but there are easier ways to get there. I'm not sure if I can honestly say it's been worth the pain and collateral damage of the A.
I'm curious to know how you arrived at the feeling of believing that your husband is truly on the right path and that he will remain on it. My SAWH seems to be on the right path as well…it's been a lot less time than your situation so I am still holding my breath to see if he can stay on the path. It's hard to believe that someone who is so adept at deception for so long (before, during and after the A and deceiving themselves - most of all - as well as everyone around them) that they are not just putting on a show, letting us believe they finally see the light. I want to know that he is doing this for himself vs. just doing things because it's the right thing to do or doing it for his kids or whatever.
I am new to R, too, but thought I'd respond. My WS is bringing home her self discovery process from IC and talking about it in vulnerable detail. These issues are the kinds of things she never would have discussed before in IC, much less to me. She is also telling me when she is bothered by something I do, sticking with conversations in which we disagree, and recovering from conflict easier. Because of those things, and because I know how deeply these issues hurt her, I believe that she is on the right path. The problem is selling it to my heart, right?
Peoplepleaser, I must say I thought your first response was actually profound, and definitely not crazy. It's one that I will cut and paste into my document of memorable comments. Thanks for that.
Wishing us all peace, eventual trust and security.
Good luck on your journey!