Update: attempting to reconcile
Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.
I'm so sorry Andrea. I wish your pain could be airlifted away. But while you can't remove the hurt you can fight the shame. When you feel humiliated, stop yourself and think: This is not my fault. This is all about him. I am a valuable, living, caring, good person who did not deserve this and am not responsible for it. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I did not do anything wrong.'
You can set yourself free from the shame even if you are still in pain. Give yourself that gift. You are worth it.
I am now almost a year after dday and I still RANDOMLY burst into tears, in the weirdest places at the weirdest times, funny thing is when I do burst into tears now I am usually not consciously thinking about it.
I am sure you have had them too..... but unfortunately the nightmares continue for me... they are the types that seem so real its crazy.....
May I ask why you have not considered R yourself? If you know the reason that is, I know, me, myself, I don't have a reason for a lot of things still so thats why I said that....
I also want you to know even though things like this happen so often nowadays it does not mean the life altering impacts should not be downplayed.... You are going through something VERY difficult. And you are doing all the right things right now..... trying to help yourself first. It takes time unfortunately.
Feel free to PM me.
"A tree falls the way it leans.....be careful which way you lean"
I was absolutely humiliated when I found out. I had no idea how my WS could do this to me. A good friend finally said why are you humiliated, you didn't do anything, you didn't ask for this. It absolutely made things easier and allowed me to even think about possibly divorcing my spouse. I still have no idea what to do. I love him, but how could he do this. Maybe it's best to get out while you're still young.
Best wishes to you.
We are in NC, which he does not agree with, but its the only way I can cope with the horror show that has become my life. I still cry all the time, this can't be normal. I just wish my husband knew what he was throwing away before he cheated on me. The thing that kills me, is why didnt he realize how much he had to lose?
I just hope my husband is feeling the humiliation...I am not proud of this, but I want him to suffer.
Do you think knowing how the him of today views it all could help with the cognotive dissonance between your love for the him of the past and hatred of the him of the present?
If you decided to try it you could even give the letter to your counselor to read first for her opinion on if it would help or hinder you to read it? Would it help you in any way to know that he is suffering for what he's done, that he does belatedly understand it, and more importantly take full responsibility for it?
I know right now this may seem really hard to believe but sometimes our betrayer can help us in our own healing if they are truly remorseful. You may still not want him back - and you don't have to offer him the chance of R either. Nothing will ever change the fact that it happened and that he chose to do it - but when you say
The thing that kills me, is why didnt he realize how much he had to lose?
Of course, if you did offer him this one chance to be 'heard' to lay it all out (with the emphasis on in depth), and he wasted the opportunity for deep reflection by writing a shallow response then it may also help you again to see even more clearly the right path for you going forward.
The reason I have not contemplated R is the emotional aspect of the affair. He MADE love to this woman, he loved her! My heart is broken, if I even have one anymore. Everyday I wake up picturing him with her, and it literally kills me. I feel like a fool, failure. I know this has nothing to do with me but its how I feel. But I'm starting to think he didnt really love her, but it was luvvvveeee.
The most brutal thing, is my husband is remorseful, he wants me back. I just don't think I can ever forgive or trust. How can I be secure in this relationship? He does realize what he did, but it may be to late. Yes, he can acknowledge how horrible his actions were and be remorseful, but that doesnt change the fact he had an affair.
[This message edited by AndreaL at 4:24 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]