....they can not destroy them.
Reading a very good book right now....Healing is a Choice.
Almost done with it.
Early into my journey I remember our MC, who was also our IC, said to my wife
"See, blakesteele is NOT destroyed by your actions. He is hurt and is in pain, but he can handle this.".
I remember sitting there thinking "No shit!!!" but I let it ride. Mind you I was very angry then.
I thought it a ridiculous statement....as if I was a 9 year old boy. While it is true I have a scared boy inside me....I am way more than that.
Anyway....that was probably 12-16 months ago.
It just clicked what was going on.
My wife falsely assumed that she was the "strong one" at that time. She was so fiercly independent in spirit, so confident in her own abilities and so lacking in confidence with my abilities that she thought the truth of her destructive actions would destroy me.
It hurt like hell...her actions. In more pain than I thought a person could experience. But destroyed? Only thing I that was getting destroyed was our family and M....not blakesteele. I had anxiety over trying to save my M and family...but not about my wifes adultery destroying me.
Now, 19 months out, I see what our original MC was going with that.
It was an effort to dispell some myths, clear some fog within my wifes mind. To show her in black and white terms that her false assumptions of a situation were just that, false.
After $4-6k and 2 weekend retreats I see the pattern this MC was trying to break.
A pattern where my wife denyed her own feelings, falsely assuming what my feelings and capabilities were, and then making those feelings facts by choosing actions based on them.
Feelings are not right or wrong...they just are.
However, when one uses feelings AS facts...and choose accordingly.....the results can, and often are, dreadfully destructive.
I'll stop there....but assure you I have personal examples of my own dreadful decisions based on this same destructive way of coping with life.
My wife and I are aware of how false assumptions can lead to dreadful actions.
This is why we are adopting a radical honesty way of interacting.
My wife and I are aware that feelings need to be felt and expressed before acted on. Need to figure out what the motivation for those feelings are and then make the choice to act (or not to act) on them based on our findings. This is why we are adopting an "intentional marriage" way of doing marriage.
Funny how months and months later....something that seemed so strange can make perfect sense....isn't it?
God be with us all.