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Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: Question - need reassurance
pastthelies
♀ 39269
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone. I already believe I know my answer to this; just need some reassurance. I have been NC with my AP for pretty close to a year. Things have been much better at home and life is turning around. I don't think about AP constantly, only occasionally; after five years it is hard not to. I am hoping I get to indifference and as each week goes by I am moving on and enjoying life and my husband and kids.

Okay - so here is my weakness. Every once in a while I do check AP Facebook page (I know I shouldn't but some days I am just drawn to look). I know he posts strategically - things for me to see - I am not stupid and for a while I did the same. Most of my stuff is now private (besides work related that could help if looking for a job).

We started out as friends first and then EA, the PA which all turned into a lTA for five years.

Here is my question and I know the answer is NC at all. Who cares about his life and what is happening and that NC is the right thing and should be maintained. I do not want to start on that roller coaster again. I don't want to start communication again but his dad had a stroke and is not doing well at all. He is older and may not make it. I feel bad ignoring and not saying I am sorry or hope he gets well. I know I shouldn't and I won't I just need someone to tell me I am right by not acknowledging. I know this is the right thing but am feeling a need for reassurance.


Posts: 65 | Registered: May 2013
nevergiveup10
♂ 41537
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't do it, it will open a window for both of you to communicate and really break your NC.

NC is everything, facebook, even googling their name is breaking NC in MHO. You'll never completely let go until it's real NC.

Sounds like things are getting better, don't throw away all the hard work you and your BH have put into this.

How would he feel if he found out?


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
BrokenButTrying
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, why is offering your condolences to the OM about his father's ill health more important than your BS feelings?

Do NOT contact him. Stop checking his Facebook. In fact, block him on Facebook so that you can't look at his page.

Is the OM an important part of your life now? If not, then why are you giving him head space?

You said you don't want communication with him so listen to yourself. If you contact him you'll find yourself drawn into a conversation you can't get out of.

Please think about your BS.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1270 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
JellyGirl84
♀ 41717
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, no STOP sign....


It seems you already know the answer for what you should do but maybe you're hoping someone will tell you it's alright to break NC. It is not ok to break NC.

Look at it this way, my grandfather is currently in the hospital and will shortly be undergoing his 2nd major open-heart surgery. Upon reading this, I'm sure you want to include in your reply to me how you hope he gets well soon and will be ok. However, up until this moment you didn't know me or my situation.

What you do not know about, you can not worry about. Block your AP from Facebook and burn all ties. After 5 years, any memories of AP should be vague, I'd think. It seems yours are, as described, occasional because you check FB. Stop. Don't ruin a good thing.


Say a prayer, maybe, for AP and leave it alone. It's not your place.


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced June 2014

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
pastthelies
♀ 39269
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all I am right and you are right! I will not break NC. Not worth it to anyone! I will send a silent prayer!

Posts: 65 | Registered: May 2013
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ 29447
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every once in a while I do check AP Facebook page (I know I shouldn't but some days I am just drawn to look). I know he posts strategically - things for me to see - I am not stupid and for a while I did the same.

And how does your BH feel about this? Or does he think you have

been NC with my AP for pretty close to a year.

I don't consider looking up the AP on Facebook and "strategically" posting for each other is NC at all. Which would explain why you have a difficult time reaching indifference.

Gently, why is offering your condolences to the OM about his father's ill health more important than your BS feelings?

I wonder the same thing.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 801 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
isadora
♀ 29130
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pastthelies,

You should block him on FB. You will never achieve indifference until you are able to have mental NC. Have you spoken to your BH about your sneak peaks. Finding out WH was taking sneak peaks at his PA was hard to stomach. Him telling me he was struggling with mental NC was easier than discovering his PA searches in our web search history.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4521 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Zayda1
♀ 35387
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I found out my WH was strategically posting on Facebook and still looking up AP it would be a deal breaker for me. NC means no contact.

Is your BH aware you are still looking up AP on Facebook? Seems to me that you are not fully being honest with him or yourself.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 469 | Registered: Apr 2012
Lostinthismess
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all I am right and you are right! I will not break NC. Not worth it to anyone! I will send a silent prayer!

You've already broken nc by checking his Facebook. Does your husband know?

Eta- sorry, I see your husband doesn't know about the affair at all. Nevermind.

[This message edited by Lostinthismess at 6:13 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 339 | Registered: May 2013
pastthelies
♀ 39269
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know i need to not look at facebook. I am doing a ton better with that than I was even a few months ago. Every week is better. I know this is a tough one: this week has been nc (besides occasional facebook lurking) for a year! After five of constant contact. Just a bad date.

I feel bad for him as I would for anyone, jellygirl has a sick grandfather- Sorry and prayers to you and your family! Thats a normal reaction! Best oart of that is i dont know what i dont know. If i didnt lurk I wouldnt have had a clue! Good answer and advice! Next step for me to move forward- blocking!

You are all right asking how would my bh feel? He doesnt know and that is what I have chosen for now. I know most wont agree and thats okay- you dont have to.

We are both working on the bad here and things have been really good. I am hoping it continues and grows.

If i have learned anything here it is everything takes time and you need to go at your own pace! People heal, grow, and get better with time and effort! I lost my focus when I saw that and thanks for helping me to regain it and see what is important! My husband, family, and kids are! My AP and what he feels or is going through is not.

Please ignore my punctuation and all. I am typing on my phone. Thanks for all your insight.

[This message edited by pastthelies at 8:18 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 65 | Registered: May 2013
Stillstings
♀ 36549
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is older and may not make it. I feel bad ignoring and not saying I am sorry or hope he gets well

Why? Not your dad, not your problem. Worry about your own family.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2012
isadora
♀ 29130
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pastthelies,

Telling or not telling your BH is a topic for another thread. Although allowing your BH to fix the bad in your M without addressing your A, could have serious repercussions in the future.

But back to your topic, why not block him? Its an added step to unblock him when you feel the urge to sneak a peek. Since your BH does not know and you are not accountable to him, there is no real consequences - except keeping the flame of your A alive and hurting your chances to heal Just because you are NC, until you are mental NC and can achieve indifference you will always have one foot out the door with your M.

You do realize, the more sneak peeks you take - the more likely it could be for your BH to discover you. Most of us BS knew something was off in our M, just either couldn't put our finger on it, couldn't find the evidence or chose to ignore the waving red flags.

Its your choice, but as long as you are more worried about offending your AP by not acknowledging his pain - your BH and your M will always be second.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4521 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Mrs Panda
♀ 27303
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am curious how one posts secret messages on Facebook for someone else to see who has been out of contact for a year. Maybe you are imagining that. Like a secret code? Sounds like the Fog talking

You are all right asking how would my bh feel? He doesnt know and that is what I have chosen for now. I know most wont agree and thats okay- you dont have to.

You are right. I don't agree.
You continue to betray him and then justify and minimize. You are not committed to R.
I truly hope you can turn around.

By the way. I did the same thing. Wasted over a year of "reconciliation" because I wasn't focused on my M.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 2008 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Block him, and no contact.

Talk to your H about lurking on his FB page -- when my H accidentially clicked on his AP's LinkedIn link, he emailed the OBS just to make sure he knew it was a mistake. Why? It could be considered a subtle form of NC.

And when AP checked out my H's LinkedIn page, I certainly considered it breaking NC, and emailed her OBS. You are playing with fire, and there was eventually going to be a reason to contact if you keep checking. No contact means no mental contact as well.

Hang in there and keep fighting for your marriage.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:15 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
JellyGirl84
♀ 41717
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pastthelies,

Thanks and I wish you well. Seriously, Facebook is not good for much accept drama...and I felt this way before I found out about my H's affair and Facebook really wasn't even the main source for his connection to the AP. I just have always felt that Facebook became a place for people to air their dirty laundry and it make it a lot easier to have secret conversations with those one should not and to check up on them as you are doing.

I can say that when my STBXWH blocked me from his profile (another story for another day) and I blocked his AP so I couldn't check her page (which I kept doing, hoping for what.....I don't know) it was the best thing to happen.

How many of your FB friends would ever really know what's going on in your life if you didn't post it on FB? Who calls anymore to check up? It's very rare.


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced June 2014

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
WarpSpeed
♂ 32051
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have already broken no contact. Checking his FB is contact. Thinking about his emotional needs is contact.

Wishing you luck in truly letting go and investing in your marriage.


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1528 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Hosea
♂ 42422
Member # 42422
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not say this in judgment, but I feel deeply sad for your uninformed betrayed husband. You are burning a tiny candle for your former AP while you keep your spouse in total darkness.

I hope you will soon have the courage to live up to your username and get past the lies, pastthelies.


John 8:10-11: "Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Did they not condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”


Posts: 106 | Registered: Feb 2014
BrokenButTrying
♀ 42111
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pastthelies, I've spent some time thinking about you this morning.

Firstly, I think it says a lot that you are examining your behaviour and stopping yourself before making actual contact with the OM. From the amount of broken NC posts on the other forums we know that many WS don't get to the point you are at. Well done for coming on here and reaching out for help and support. While I agree with the others that even checking up on him on Facebook is breaking NC you are self aware enough to realise this is an unhealthy behaviour and have come looking for help.

Because tone is hard to convey on a forum, I want to reassure you that I am saying this gently.

I think you need to take this as an opportunity to work on your boundaries. Really examine them and find out why they are not keeping you safe.

I asked earlier in the thread why offering condolences to the OM was more important than your BS feelings. I would also like to ask, why is offering the OM your condolences more important than keeping yourself safe? You know the damage renewed contact with him would do to you, it's been a year and you've come a long way in that time. Why undo all that? Why aren't you precious enough to keep safe? Why steer yourself down a bad path which only leads back to the pain you felt after Dday? Why aren't you protecting yourself?

If you are not in IC, then go. Learn how to construct stronger boundaries and implement them to protect yourself and your BS.

Good luck, sending you strength.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1270 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
smez
♀ 41882
Member # 41882
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not want to start on that roller coaster again.

Repeat this to yourself 12 times. I use to be able to see AP on Skype. I could see when he came online in the mornings, when he was relaxing at home in the evenings. It drove me crazy. I was technically respected my NC but in truth it was just a little piece that I could hold on to. I finally removed him as a contact. I immediately felt better.

I hope by posting here instead of contact him you already feel better. One day at a time.


Me: 36
BS: 37

Married 8 years.
1 Child
DDay: March 2012


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jan 2014
LMYE
♂ 34561
Member # 34561
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a really different NC to enforce as there's really no one holding your feet to the fire so to speak.No real consequences that would make you really want to buckle down.

I read your back story.You think its best that your H doesn't know and that's your choice.No reconciliation as your H doesn't even know about the affair.All the work and connection you're building now in your marriage will be for naught when this comes to light,but I wish you luck.


Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: canada
Topic Posts: 27
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