SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

brokengirl37 posted 2/19/2014 16:52 PM

My H had an affair with one of MY Coworkers....my friend...or so I thought she was.
We have been together for 17 years..married for 10 this Oct.
We went to a party on Dec 14th...had a great time..I had my H phone and her and I started texting to eachother (we were bored)...fast forward...guess who started texting eachother?
I work with this woman...she is 50 years old...my H just turned 40. I am 37. We have two boys 13 and 9.
I figured it out through my "gut feeling" after I had come home from work to ask if the OW had texted him a happy birthday (Feb 11th)...I checked his phone and there were no texts..I asked him why not and he said he deletes all of his texts...no he does not. Of course I became angry and said what if another man and I were texting to eachother how would that make you feel? He said that he wouldn't do it again. Meanwhile the damage was already done. They were already together twice...2 Fridays in a row.

This woman came over to my house on the 15th and had some drinks...along with another friend and sat in my house...went home and I was none the wiser.Actually yes I was because I was tired of her saying that I had such a nice guy and that I was so lucky...something inside of me told me to tell her that she better stay away from my H. She said she would never do that to me.

Something happened between 2am and 11am the next morning...my H for some reason decided to have a conscious and decided to tell me about the texts (he went to work at 5:30 am that morning)

She phoned me shortly after 11am apologizing for her behaviour the night before..at which point I blasted her about the texts he received that morning form her and asked if she was sorry about that too? Her reply was that I didn't even begin to know the truth, well then how about you tell me. She said that he has gone to see her twice.

I almost died. I hung up the phone and called his boss to tell my H that he needed to come home.
When he came home the only thing he confessed to was that he met her 2 times in a parking lot and nothing happened.

I phoned her and put it on speaker...she confessed to everything in detail and that she had nothing to loose, and that he better do the same...after about 10 mins he admitted the truth.

I work with this woman..I had to go to my boss..and he put me on a six month leave..how can I ever go back?

My poor kids. I cant eat, I cant sleep, I am a mess. Its only 3 days in...please some advice...Im drowning...

She actually thought that he was going to leave his wife and kids for her. He broke it off on Feb 10th..and did not respond to anymore texts..she became possessive and obsessed...I really don't think he knew what he was getting himself into thus why he knew he had to tell me about the texts... I don't think he thought she was going to confess to me about EVERYTHING!!

Breezy150 posted 2/19/2014 18:25 PM

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please read the healing library in the yellow box in the upper left corner. It helps a lot.
Next I know it is really hard but take care of yourself, try to eat or drink meal replacement shakes. Your life has just been torn apart.
Please know that you do not deserve this, you did nothing to make it happen, this is all his fault. Please don't let him blame throw anything at you.
(((Hugs))) sorry you are here, but it is a great place to be, the people are here to help. Your life will be a roller coaster so post here often, we have been there and are all at different stages of recovery.

lastdance posted 2/19/2014 20:46 PM

please take care of yourself----you need your strength now more than ever----you seem to be more angrier at her than at the person who vowed to be true to you---do not be angry at her ---he is your husband ,he is the one who committed adultery----the one who keeps lying to you even when you ask him to tell you the truth----HE IS THE ADULTERER NOT HER......._____your issue now is your cheating husband---do not trust anything he says ---he is obviously used to lying to you and getting away with it----you have a husband who thinks nothing about cheating and lying---be aware he is devious and will cheat again---counseling will be good for you ALSO PLEASE SEE YOUR DOCTOR AND GET TESTED___IM SURE THERE ARE OTHER WOMAN HE HAS BEEN WITH

Leia posted 2/19/2014 20:54 PM

Dear brokengirl137,
First, I'm very sorry you have to go through this. Second, please eat. When I found out (Jan 27th) everything tasted like sawdust, but you have to keep your strength up. Even if it is just a granola bar. Third, find a trusted friend to confide in. It helped me to tell absolutely everyone--which I would NOT recommend for your situation. It helps to talk to close friends and family about what is going on. You need support now more than ever. Be sure to run yourself through the shower, too. It really does help to stay as normal as you can. These are all things that worked for me. Hugs, and keep eating.

Aceofbase posted 2/19/2014 21:00 PM

This affair stuff sucks for us BS. It is like we are hit in the gut for weeks and months. It will get better as you get stronger. You need to start the 180 ASAP. This will make you stronger.

Take care.

Livingalie2014 posted 2/19/2014 23:40 PM

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. A double betrayal from your friend and wayward spouse. It's always hard to believe it when you find out. I'm sure you never expected your husband to have an affair with a woman significantly older than you. I felt the same way when I found out. You just can't wrap your head around it and you search for reasons.

I have no real advise to to offer, but I know how much it hurts. Take care of yourself OP. it will get better with time and I'm sure you will figure things out when the time is right.

hurtingfool posted 2/20/2014 03:00 AM

I lost ten pounds over the 2 weeks after I found out. Everything tasted like cardboard. I forced myself to eat what I could, even if it wasn't much (I usually ate only one meal a day and snacked before the A). I told my kids I was sick, but was still able to make/go out and buy dinner. We ate out a lot.

My oldest is 9 and I am so thankful that he is able to pour cereal in the morning and not get milk everywhere. My youngest is 3, luckily she was wanting to watch a lot of Tom and Jerry while I was going through the worst of it. As I look back on it, my 6 year old was pretty good all things considered.

Eat what you can (I was on a piece of bread and lot of water diet). Rest as you can. Take care of yourself as best as you can. I called a cleaning service to come in and take care of the bathrooms. I would have had them do more but that crap gets expensive quick. Then they sit there and milk the time and talk in their native tongue if you are lucky. Mine sounded Russian/Romanian, unfortunately, not one of the languages I took.

This bullshit drains you. I can't honestly say it gets better yet. I believe it will. Whether that is with my WW or not is up for debate.

Get help from where you think you can get it. If your kids aren't used to chores, they look old enough to be able to start. I know mine gripes, but he also likes the rewards. So that can help out quite a bit.

I'm sure I had a couple points in there, but I am at the end of my night. I'm sorry you have to be here, but my feelings go out to you. This shit sucks, and, though it may not feel like it now, you can get through this. Your kids may not know the reason why, but I bet they'll help in any way they can.

brokengirl37 posted 2/20/2014 11:33 AM

Thank you everyone..this forum has sure helped and there is some validating information on here.

I know it will take time, Im still in the Why me? I love my husband and he needs to change everything about him, his demeanor, his attitude...everything. I believe that he is truly remorseful, he knows he screwed up. I believe that it was weakness on his part. It definitely is an eye opening experience for both of us. He needs to figure the why's and why he couldn't come to me if he felt something was wrong instead of turning to another woman. My husband is a simple man, and not very emotional. That needs to change. I am not blaming the OW like it was all her fault. It takes 2. What I am blaming her for is that she was my friend, she was my co-worker, she picked up on something he had told her and went in for the attack. She has no remorse for what she has done and is trying to play the victim card. Everyone knows, she is the one that has to do the walk of shame at work, she doesn't even know the lives she has affected. I shouldn't have to leave my job and she have no reprocussions. I did nothing wrong, she did.

Thank you to all...it really helps knowing that I have an outlet and that I am not alone

And I did eat a little last night, and slept for about 4hrs...amazing with just a little sustenance and sleep how much clearer I feel today.

norabird posted 2/20/2014 13:54 PM

Unfortunately 'why me?' is not a question that can ever be answered. Bad things just happen. They happen because you can't control the actions of those you love. They happen because we are all vulnerable when we love. They happen because our partners turn out to be weak and selfish through no fault of our own. They happen irrespective of the fact that you did not deserve this and that it is wildly unfair and hurtful. It doesn't have anything to do with you, and yet it injures you the most. It's awful but accepting that it has happened is the first step. You will struggle with this question for awhile, but eventually see that it does not help and let it go.

Take care of yourself in this difficult time, there is no rush to decide anything yet so just be kind to yourself. If you get really down or stop being able to sleep, go see a doctor for help. Getting support IRL is great if there is anyone you can elan ion and trust. In the meantime I hope your WH has told you all the details--TT (trickle truth) is a real killer.

brokengirl37 posted 2/21/2014 11:24 AM

Thank you everyone for just reading and lending an ear.

So I told him that he is on a time limit. He needs to be truthful and honest even if he knows it will hurt me, I need the truth.
Tonight after our sons hockey game (FRI) he promised me that he will phone her in front of me and put the NC order in place. I am hoping he says all the things to her that my mind and heart need to hear.

Like I have said he is not an emotional person and if he couldn't find the words, to please write them down. He started that tonight and left some of the notes he wrote on the counter this morning for me to read.

He put them in bullet form. I will write it word for word.

- yelling and screaming (not all the time)

-not showing love when I touch you..all I need is even a touch back or something

-sex only on your terms I don't want it on my terms (sometimes)

-yes I enjoy you working seeing you happy

-sex with OW was easy..always there

-Affection was always there with OW

-I want and need my family back

-Text messaging was the only way we communicated..never a phone conversation

-sex was horrible (wasn't even sex) 5-10 sec

-I am an affectionate person

-I will communicate more with you

- I didn't find her attractive

-OW was there for communication

I appreciate everything you do to keep this family together

- I know it will take a long time to forgive me, and I will do what it takes to be with my family

- Never had any feeling for her

- You wanted to know "why", she told me what I needed to hear

She showed me affection (you also but not enough) I don't need it every second of everyday but a lot more.

- Love you I'll think of more today!

So what are your thoughts? Mine are that is most of what he put are selfish on his part. Not one of those things on there is something that he couldn't have come to me and talk to me about it. Maybe he was scared of the reaction I would have? Its no secret that I wear the pants..I have to..I am the glue..I am the emotional one..I am a very black and white person and tell it how it is.

Sometimes I am mean and can say hurtful things, but after 17 years he knows that I have never meant them. If I was unhappy with him I would have been the selfish one and left a long time ago. Most of the time I was unhappy with myself and he just got caught in the crossfire. I am 37 and just trying to figure it all out.

I appreciate all the imput...please tell me what you think. I will post more I promise...I need to.

norabird posted 2/21/2014 11:36 AM

I don't like his list very much!! It seems to me he is blaming you, for not being affectionate enough, without thinking about why he needs so much validation. Obviously affection is important in a M...but is now the time to be making jabs at you?! I suppose it's honest but wow do I hate the wayward mindset. As you say, he could have raised these issues with you, and instead he chose an A. So he needs to stop listing reasons that justify his choice.

lastdance posted 2/21/2014 14:47 PM

I do not like this list----he is putting all the blame on you for his betrayal----he is still in the fog----he is truly all about himself----there is nothing in here about how he betrayed and hurt you--how he betrayed his vows---how much he hurt you-----he had a choice and he did not choose to talk to you about how he felt---maybe you felt the same,and he would have found out by communication-----why did he think it was all about his needs and not yours---why did he feel entitled to go get another woman---he wanted an affair and he got it----he knew what he was doing----he never gave his wife a fair chance,he just went out all the way to hurt her and break his marriage vows

Hosea posted 2/21/2014 15:05 PM

I am really sorry to hear your story. The question of "Why Me?" Is one that truly can drive a Betrayed Spouse to madness.

Whatever problems you had in the marriage, it will never excuse your Husband's immoral, selfish betrayal of his vows. Please reject the question (however consuming it is), and do NOT let your husband create a laundry list of excuses for the inexcusable.

If he had frustrations, he could've written them down and brought to you and said, "Honey, I'm not happy with how you relate to me. Maybe you're not happy with how I relate to you, too? Write up your list and let's talk about it so we can fix this."

Reconciliation IS possible, but it will take a lot of work. And your husband may not know it, but you're the one who has a right to make a list now, not him. It should be called "You Destroyed The Marriage. If You Want to Save It, Here's What I Require of You."

Bullet #1 - Don't Ever Blame Your Decision To Screw A Tramp Coworker On Me Again.

Etc.

brokengirl37 posted 2/23/2014 16:30 PM

One week in...

We're talking, I mean really talking like we haven't talked in years.

He is being open and honest even when his responses kill me. He knows what he did and is truly sorry, I believe that. I guess we were lucky that it did not continue and that the A and contact was for a very short period of time. For him it was just sex, he wanted nothing else from her.When I asked why he went over a second time he told me it was to see if the sex would be better, and it wasn't it was worse. He ended it the week before she even came over to my house (probably the reason she came over to see for herself?)He admitted to me that he didn't think she would expose everything, but the guilt was eating him up, and is glad now that she did. He was being a coward.

Complacency is where this has come about. When you are with someone for so long you tend to take the little things for granted, for both of us. I would say things or do things to him to hurt him (not deliberately) and he would do the same to me knowing that either of us would leave or CHANGE!

There was no romance, no communication, just a place of existence.

I made him call her last night, he did and told her that even if it doesn't work out between him and I that she will never contact him and he would never contact her again. And she said good, I hate you, which kind of made me chuckle.(I guess she hates him cause she didn't get what she wanted)

From all of this there has to be a silver lining here. I have to believe that. I need to believe that. Its not going to be easy, but I am willing to put in the work and so is he. There will be good days and bad days, and a lot of emotions, but I know as a united front we WILL find peace and content and continue on our journey for our beautiful two boys that deserve nothing but the best from both of us.

As I told him last night we were friends before we were lovers. Now its time to find out why we fell in love with each other in the first place and go back to the beginning.

Today is a good day...not the best because I still see the shit in my head...but its better than yesterday....tomorrow hasn't come yet....

brokengirl37 posted 2/23/2014 16:37 PM

Oh and I forgot to say ,we both have doctors app tomorrow for STD tests. He knows that there will be nothing sexual at all...until those tests come back negative.

norabird posted 2/23/2014 22:09 PM

Sounds like you are doing great (under the circumstances). Just go one day, one moment at a time. Hopefully he'll walk beside you as you do. It will keep getting better (and sometimes get worse too), but if you support each other yes, there can absolutely be a silver lining.