Does my headline really answer it all? Because I mean it as a real question. I guess I wonder if some people who have R’d might feel like it would have been better to have never met them at all but then get to a place where they are glad they did.
There are lots of kinds and levels to R and maybe what I’ve been through barely qualifies.
Let me point out a few things:
First, I always wanted to be married and to have kids and in general I like married, family life.
Also, my kids don’t know about the affairs. My daughter was 5 at the time and my son was 2 1/2 for #2. I’ve never told them or let on in any way and they comment all the time about how great our family is. We do have fun as a family, a lot of it. And my daughter and I get along great. It’s just my husband and I as a couple that is the problem.
And here's a timeline to help understand. I wrote this up in the fall to keep it straight for me and to understand why it might be so hard to get over it all. If you read this all, might you also find it hard to get over it?
1997 met him abroad and began dating internationally
Fall 1998 he flirted and eventually slept w/his ex b/f we got married (lied about it for the first 9 months of marriage). I found out Spring 1999 (DD1)
5 1/2 years passed without discussing it, him not thinking it was so bad, saying it was how his parents lived anyway, bad sex life, lots of marital problems
Fall 2004 DD2 4 month EA/PA w/married woman my age with kids too, refused to tell me anything about it, said he may never get over her, no transparency
5 1/2 more years passed with him not willing to tell me anything but what he absolutely couldn't deny, me alone with all my suspicions, leaving me with chronic stress, said it was over but I couldn't be sure
Spring 2010 finally coughed it up only under threat of divorce and me hitting rock bottom and not wearing my ring for the first time in my marriage
3 1/2 more years passed with me feeling maybe he hasn't told me everything and that I hate that he only disclosed under threat of divorce
Fall 2013 I realized that after all this I don't love him as much, find him less attractive, it's all worn me out and I'm am so sad, I feel like I wasted what I wanted to be my one marriage. Wasted my youth.
So, June 1998 - Spring 2010 I had such a bad feeling him and didn't trust him. 12 years of my 15 year marriage. The past 3 years haven't been good enough for me to feel better enough.