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Big talk tomorrow - nervous

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nevergiveup10 posted 2/19/2014 17:48 PM

My BS and I went away for the weekend, we had a really tough week last week but it was already planned and we both agreed we were looking forward to it.

Had a great time, felt we reconnected and had a MC session yesterday. The session was good, both sharing tough stuff but I feel like we are not moving forward anymore. We both feel we are at a bit of an in-pass right now. I know from some of my behaviors lately that I am reaching my breaking point. She knows something has to happen, but said she doesn't think she can give me what I need.

I called her last night and left a vm telling her I wanted to meet today or tomorrow to talk about how we move forward. She texted me back at about 3:00 AM (We were both awake) and agreed.
Basically I said I really don't know where we are gonna go from here. She replied she doesn't either but we'll make a decision and come to an understanding together. Her tone was sympathetic and sweet.

Many people on here have given me good advice lately, but I have chosen not to follow it. I have this unending faith that this is going to work out, but I think it is starting to take a toll on me. I know this might sound funny but I feel like my selfish needs are getting in the way of me loving myself.

I think we both are willing to negotiate, and I also discussed setting timelines for agreements so they can be revisited and changed, etc. I think the scariest part for me is I know this time I will walk away, at least for the time being if we can't come to an understanding.

I feel so selfish, but the flip flopping and cake eating are just becoming too much. The man that toughed out the first 3-4 months with confidence and no hope in sight has become an insecure depressed person.

Maybe it's time for me to go back to the beginning, focus on my kids, myself and my business. I'm just so scared to let go after seeing the light so bright. I know she has alot of healing to do, maybe she needs to do this part without my help.

Gonna be a long night...

grains posted 2/20/2014 01:19 AM

I know this might sound funny but I feel like my selfish needs are getting in the way of me loving myself.

You are right. I have felt the same way too. When we are still focused and burdened by our unhealthy habits, thinking and attachments that have caused us to suffer and have made the people we care about suffer then all these needs are really getting in the way of us taking care of ourselves, respecting ourselves and being healthy individuals.

I do not know the details of your circumstances except that you are going through a difficult and confusing time. I just want to wish you peace and the resilience to get through these hard times. Things are not as bad as they seem once we let go of our fears by really examining what can happen to us and the people we care about. Please let go of your fears. You have decided to become a better person. That cannot be taken away from you. Good luck on your recovery.

Prayingforhope posted 2/20/2014 04:10 AM

Never, you know what I'm going to say because it is the same thing you have told me many times. Get back to basics and work on yourself. That means you have to let go of the outcome.

You are spending to much energy on your BS when you can no more control her than you can control the weather. I can hear your pain since the idea of losing her is a constant source of stress, fear, anger, everything, but you MUST let it go. Carry the Serenity Prayer around with you as a reminder, focus on what YOU can manage - your job, your well bring, your kids and let her deal with herself. Invest in those things with all your energy and let the rest take care of itself.

Set boundaries to take care of yourself and be safe. You are ALSO a BS in this and a lot of what you are feeling (I know because I see my own BS going through it) are coming from that side of your emotions. Your wife is a wayward who is doing very little to protect you, owning her own shite, or working on herself, etc. In many ways she has put you in limbo and you need to establish healthy boundaries to get through it. A good start would be the 180 because again, the no contact I have with my BS right now has been more healing to her than anything else I could do. You need a healing space FOR YOU.

Also, I don't recall if you're in IC but from my experience as a WS, it has saved my life. You're a madhatter, which means seeking professional help is all the more important. Make sure you're getting help for you to work on yourself and work through the enormous list of emotions a BS goes through.

Finally, when all else fails we'll still be here on SI to keep giving you advice you don't follow!

nevergiveup10 posted 2/20/2014 11:26 AM

Thanks Grains, its so true. I appreciate the support, It's gonna be tough tonight but i feel like I am doing the right thing. I guess it's most important to be sure of what you're doing.

Praying, I knew you would have something to say. I appreciate the support, you have a pretty good idea of what I've been through so far. BTW I have been in IC since even before my DDay, invaluable.

I sent her an email to an account she rarely checks before our last session as I didn't really know where things would be after. I told her about it and she finally read it yesterday or this morning. She called and told me it really touched her, that it finally hit her how hard I am working to save our marriage. Don't really know how that will impact our talk tonight, but for her to acknowledge that I'm doing all I can reinforces that I need to trust my decisions. If I'm doing all the hard work, there is no point at this time to continue.

It's tough to admit I might need healing space, but I think it's the case.

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