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Newest Member: Romulus (45761)

User Topic: Pivotal moment! Advice please!
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok...so you've all been counseling me all day about telling/not telling WH stuff.

WH asked me if I had called my attorney like we agreed I would. (That was after a discussion of who is filing, are we mediating, blah, blah, blah...) I said I had and he asked me when I was meeting him. I said next week. Then he got all bent out of shape because I didn't offer the information, he had to ask for it.

He sent me an email saying, Nekorb, in the future I would like to be notified after you contact a lawyer especially since I asked you to tell me. I am not sure why I had to ask you.

(We have created dedicated email addresses for communicating about this stuff - kids don't have access and there's a paper trail, etc)

I went back through our emails where we clarified what the plan was and nowhere does it say I am to report back to him as to whether or not I made the appt with the lawyer. Just said I was going to do it.

I'm torn between these responses:

A.Nowhere in this email thread did you ask me to report back to you as to when my appt with my attorney is. We agreed I would be making the appt and left it at that.

I am not required to, nor is it necessary for me to tell you when I've spoken with my attorney.

B. I am not required to nor is it necessary for me to tell you when I've spoken with my attorney.


I entertained the idea of crickets as well....but I think he will just verbally confront me if I don't reply.

AND he walked out into the upstairs hallway as we were finishing our convo and said, "I guess this is why we are leaving each other,". Right out in the hall where the kids could have heard him. Are you kidding me?

He still wants to get a mediator. I pointed out that we can't agree on ANYTHING. How are we supposed to do mediation? Then it went back to, "so you'd rather pay the attorneys to handle it...".

I think I am officially done talking with him about it. Perhaps another option for above could be:

C. My attorney advised me to stop discussing this with you.

[This message edited by nekorb at 6:06 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't advise you because I am a failure at crickets and so my instincts can't be trusted, but....man oh man am I glad you aren't mediating!

I honestly think what kills me the most, of everything, is tht thu believe they ever have the right to be resentful! Like, oh, I'm sorry, is this inconvenient or unpleasant for you? Hm I guess that's all my fault! Gee, poor man! What a terrible woman you have to deal with!

Drives me up. the. wall. They act so innocent, like they are the ones being wronged! Gosh of course not emailing about the logistics of D filing is so much worse than wholesale betrayal and lies!!!!!

I am feeling all your annoyance and anger and irritation at his gall. But, I'm also feeling happy that you are putting in motion your new life free of his crap!!!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Gajit
♀ 40665
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I'd go with 'B' AND 'C'....then crickets.


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
gypsybird87
♀ 39193
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an ass. I mean really. It sickens me how these WS screw around and then have the nerve to be all sanctimonious about it. He spent the last however long sneaking around with his own agenda, and then gets snippy with you for not keeping him informed.

We had no attorneys or anything so I can't really advise you on that. I'm sure others with more direct experience will be along to guide you. But just my gut reaction would be your response B. And because I'm irritated on your behalf, I'd probably add something along the lines of, "I'm sorry. I had no idea that honesty, transparency and keeping each other informed were so important to you, considering that we are divorcing because you HAD AN AFFAIR, you ignorant A-hole."

Sorry. I've just returned from dealing with the DMV so I'm extra aggravated. Communications like this really do bother me, though. It's so sickeningly hypocritical, and they don't even see it.

It's obvious that he is done with even the pretense of making nice, even for your kid's sake. All the more reason you need to get him out of there asap. He's been the bully in your house and your life long enough. Time for him to go.

((nekorb))


Keep strong.

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 6:24 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 1011 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He sent me an email saying, Nekorb, in the future I would like to be notified after you contact a lawyer especially since I asked you to tell me. I am not sure why I had to ask you.

Consider D: Listen, you fuckwit, I'm giving you just as much notification as you gave me that you were fucking around. Be thankful that you got an honest answer.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG pass, stop it! The laughing coming from behind my bedroom door will arouse suspicion!

ETA: please keep those opinions coming! I like that I'm getting some choices. Man how I wish pass' was a legitimate choice...

[This message edited by nekorb at 6:28 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
gypsybird87
♀ 39193
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He sent me an email saying, Nekorb, in the future I would like to be notified after you contact a lawyer especially since I asked you to tell me. I am not sure why I had to ask you.


Option E:

In the future, I would like you to quietly go off and fuck yourself. You already know I feel this way, so I'm not sure why I have to ask you.


Gypsybird
*still riding her DMV rage pony*


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 1011 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not respond!
THis is exactly the kind of drivel that we've been warning you about. HE wants you to notify him when you speak with your lawyer? Really?!

Seriously...don't bother responding. The entire request is laughable.
If you get backlash for not responding, ignore that too. He is no longer in control of your life and it is KILLING him.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6692 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Someone please tell me how to quote others in my posts!, PLEEEEASE!)


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
still2suspicious
♀ 31722
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pass is so correct

and I would add:

You are NOT the boss of me and cannot tell me what to do, nanner,nanner,nanner!

Sorry, I just hate these sanctimonious asshats!!


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1330 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
tesla
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's all for 'working together' and 'mediation' as long as he feels like he is in control of the process. If he is in control of the process then he comes out with a better deal than you do.

At this point, Divorce is the breaking up of a business deal and it's just better if you both have your own lawyers that handle this shit.

I know, it sucks that you will both have to pay lawyers to handle shit. And he'll cry, "Why can't we just behave like adults and work this out ourselves?" In the end, you want someone that is looking out for your interests and making sure everything is done properly. It's such a huge relief when you can say, "Please have your lawyer refer that to my lawyer." Yep, you're paying them per hour for that...but to me, it was worth every penny to not have the aggravation of dealing with his lunatic ideas myself. Let his lawyer tell him he's being stupid.

As for what you should respond --
C sounds pretty good to me.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4745 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crickets to this jagoff. Seriously.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7825 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
ButterflyGirl
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, what an ass to think he gets to order you around and tell you how this divorce is going to be handled. Fuck that! No more taking shit from this guy! He is NOT the boss of you anymore!!

And for your question about how to quote others, highlight and copy what they said, paste it into your reply, then highlight it again and push the "quote" button that is to the left of the reply box. There is "bold" then "italic" then "quote" and also "image" at the bottom. You will notice it puts the word "quote" in brackets at the beginning and then "/quote" in brackets at the end of the text you are putting in the box.

It explains it better on the first page of The Healing Library, which you can find in the yellow box at the top left of your screen.

He is no longer in control of your life and it is KILLING him.

Yep. Sucks for him. FTG (Fuck That Guy)!!


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2701 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Phoenix1
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crickets! If he keeps pushing the issue, then tell him he can communicate through your attorney. Stop the insanity! He is going to keep trying to get these little digs in every chance he can because he knows it gets to you. It stops when you say it stops. You owe him no explanation whatsoever. Don't feed the drama llama!! If he is willing to say those things within hearing of the children, he is no longer interested in keeping it cordial.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1265 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go with Response C.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Dreamboat
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

F. You lost the right for notification as soon as you put your dick into OW. This is called divorce for a reason. Get used it.

And to quote (or italic or bold), select the text you want to quote and then select the button on the left.

Oh, and consider his announcement in the hallway "notification" to the kids. I really think you need to take them each aside individually and ask them if they have any questions for you. And then answer honestly. Make your home a "No Lie Zone" going forward.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This incident should clearly tell you all you need to know. It is telling us, the non-emotionally involved third parties. We can see it. Can you?

He is not interested in dealing honestly with you.
He is only interested in controlling you.
He is threatening you.
He is afraid to spend money on lawyers.
He's afraid you'll get a lawyer because he knows he'll be discovered for the treacherous mook he is.
He is NOT concerned with your kids' emotional well-being.
He is willing to make a dramatic scene and involve the kids in an effort to control you.
He is desperate to control you.

I think you need to get whatever kids were home at the time he had his little mantrum and YOU tell them, right now, about what's happening. Do it without him. I can assure you they already know more than you think. Don't continue to torture them by leaving them to twist in the wind with their lack of information. Protect your kids with the truth. Protect your relationship with them with the truth.

Take back your power, Nekorb.

ETA: More things that I think we all can see and are hoping you see now, too:

He thinks you are stupid.
He thinks he can manipulate you even post-divorce.
He thinks you are an incompetent person.
He thinks he's better than you.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 7:10 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10039 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Catwoman
♀ 1330
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My response: feel free to file the appropriate complaint for this heinous behavior and we will respond in court.

Idiot.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29717 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
peridot
♀ 18334
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

C. My attorney advised me to stop discussing this with you.

Then go NC!


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4801 | Registered: Feb 2008
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, nekorb - please tell me you KNOW that he doesn't have a right to know ANYTHING about your lawyer, when you see him, what you tell him, what your plans are, or what size hammer you're going to use to nail his ass to the wall?!?!

I'm gonna start feeding you scripted lines that you can use as the situation warrants -

1. That is no longer your concern.
2. I'm sorry you feel that way.
3. I'm not going to discuss that with you.
4. That's none of your business.


With each sentence, you are giving him the consistent message that he is NOT in control.

New world order, baby. Deal with it.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26212 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 72
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