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So angry still...

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Jacobswife posted 2/19/2014 19:57 PM

I found out about my husbands affair January 10, 2014. 6 weeks later I still have serious anger issues. I know there is no contact between him and the other woman. But they carried on for 2 1/2 years. Mostly via web- met in person 2 times. I find myself saying things I know are hurtful but don't care as he will never experience the level of hurt he caused me'. I wish he could feel my pain. He says he is hurting too- somehow I doubt it compares to mine.

BrooklynLove posted 2/19/2014 20:34 PM

So sorry you are hurting. This is a great site for support. Be careful about a False R. Affairs that have lasted this long usually go underground after DDay. Monitor and verify everything.

Breezy150 posted 2/19/2014 21:11 PM

I understand completely. It is scary who we turn into when our entire life is shattered. My DDay is Jan 2,2014 and I still have never had a day without anger.
I agree dig, dig, dig. I have been getting some trickle truth ever since then, watch carefully for it to go underground and right now don't believe a word he says.
I am very sorry that this happened to you.

MammaMia posted 2/19/2014 21:14 PM

Six weeks is nothing... it is still fresh and you are rightfully angry. Many posters are still angry years later, including me. I am not angry as often as I used to be, but once in a while "it hits me" and I get angry. Something will trigger me and I get angry; I no longer take my anger out on him, but sometimes - depending on the situation- he gets his answers and they can be ugly and sarcastic and I do not care if it is hurtful to him: he earned everything I dish him.

Like I told him many times after Dday: I dance to the tune you are playing.

1devastedmom posted 2/20/2014 00:48 AM

I feel your pain. It's been almost a year and I'm still really pissed off, even with my spouse being remorseful and completely transparent. At six weeks I was lucky to do anything other than just exist. I had to tell my boss because I was a complete mess and my work suffered. I just wanted to let you know that you've been heard.

stillhere09 posted 2/20/2014 08:34 AM


Actually, investigating helps because you are doing something with that anger that helps you.

Check phone bill online, his phone, be sure names on his phone match the phone numbers, etc.

A var (voice activated recorder) is a good idea. If you investigate and find nothing, it does help to ease your mind. If you investigate and find something, at least you know, and knowledge is power.

Six weeks out, you are still in the anger stage. Know that this is normal. It does take time. It also helps to post here among those who have been through it and understand where you're coming from.

Jacobswife posted 2/20/2014 09:02 AM

Thanks for your responses. He is being transparent and everything I have looked at indicates he is done with the OW. trying to reconcile but it will take time, I think. Thank you again for all your helpful words!

BAB61 posted 2/20/2014 12:59 PM

I'm glad that he is being transparent. Just a cautionary tale. My STBX ACTED transparent, but he used the "In-Private Browsing" capability on his computer to hide what he was really doing. He was doing and saying all the right things. It turned out he was just blowing smoke up my a**. He was TT'ing me and not being upfront as he appeared. I dug into all his fb messages and found evidence of a different OW, that was a LTA - 2 years worth of rendezvous and phone sex. I called it quits then.

I'm not saying your WH is the same, but be aware that going underground happens more often than not. Just continue to be vigilant, question his actions, keep tabs on his whereabouts. If he has a smart phone put a gps on it.

whattheh posted 2/20/2014 13:33 PM

Anger is a cover emotion so maybe you can try communicating what's going in underneath the surface.

It's good your H is being transparent. How does he handle your anger? Meeting just twice over 2 1/2 years sounds iffy... are you sure he's told you the full truth? He needs to get the truth out early and completely or your anger will increase if he ends up TT you.

I'm just past 1 year after dDay and still have angry episodes. I have PTSD and certain triggers bring on the anger.

My anger and rage was intense for about 9 months. My fWH didn't handle it well as he got angry back sometimes. I turned a corner when he started understanding how to help me deal with it more.

The book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" helped him to help me more. It was very important to me that my fWH bear witness to my pain so I didn't hide anything or try to make things easier on him..And him staying and witnessing helped us both in the long run. Another book we read 2gether was "How Can I Forgive You".

Also I learned that my fWH became anxious and insecure because he was fery fearful I would leave and D.

Couple of things. He is 100% responsible for his cheating. Forgiveness must be earned by him. Don't let him make this about him. The healing must start with dealing with your pain and he should be leading the recovery process. He should be nurturing and take extra special care of you.

[This message edited by whattheh at 1:44 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

norabird posted 2/20/2014 13:41 PM

He may well be hurting, but he needs to focus on YOUR pain now. Your anger will recede with time, but he needs to help you heal. Right now you are right in the thick of it. Take care of yourself as much as you can both physically and emotionally.

As for contact with the OW: Trust, but verify. I trusted without verifying--THAT was a big ol mistake.

Bikingguy posted 2/20/2014 14:04 PM

Many of us did not get to true anger until about 6-7 months! What you are feeling is completely normal.

One months post d day we were eating chips at a restaurant, I stop eating and WW says " you have more control than me". I responded "no F'ing kidding" These thoughts are completely normal but will say they make R harder. I read a good book about better ways to express yourself and it helped a lot. I will looking my digital library for the name and reply back when I find it.

Jacobswife posted 2/21/2014 07:03 AM

Thanks again! Wow such great advise! The OW lives in another state so I believe it was mostly Internet communication. I have spoken to her and believe she is as hurt and angry as I am as he didn't tell her about his "real" life, with a wife and 2 young children. I have parental conteols on his smart phone with a password he doesn't know. Still angry, losing conteols of myself....eating disorder from 23 years ago has resurfaced. Getting help!

norabird posted 2/21/2014 16:22 PM

Just sending you strength and hugs on the ED. I went through a period of those a decade ago but I still remember how awful it was to feel in the grip of behavior that wasn't really me.

You will get through this. Good luck to you!!!

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