Thanks for listening...it just weighs on me sometimes.
crossroads2010 - When I am able to think ahead, I can't seem to focus on "our retirement plan, life insurance, mortgage, etc. without thinking I am going to invest hope into our growing old together just to have it fall apart.
It's sad that the fear of something happening, somewhere in the unknown future can be so devastating right now in the present. I'm not sure if LF feels this way but I suspect that she has probably spend some time and energy pondering this as she has voiced her fears that one day, the OW could show up at the door and she fears that |I would leave. Given this fear, it would not be surprising to find out that she also worries if the future will ever turn out as she/we planned.
However, sometimes, as I read posts from the BS community in the Reconciliation forum, wondering "why am I staying" and I read about spouses staying for the children or staying due to finances, I often find myself wondering, how many of these BS will end up leaving their spouses in the future? How often are remorseful WS's who have stopped their cheating ways been blindsided years later as their BS's make the decision 10 or 15 years later to leave? I think a lot of WS's share the same worry too.
I guess the reality for both the WS and BS community is that fear is our common denominator. Fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of being rejected, fear of being used.
And the simple solution to fear is to simply open up and communicate. Talk about it and you may be surprised to hear words of positive commitment for a future life come out of the mouths of the WS. And yes, I know that words are only words unless verified by years of consistent action proven by verification.
However, I also feel that while you will never regain blind trust in your WS, the act of not even allowing for any trust, due to fear, is almost a guarantee for a horrible future.
Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused, donít listen to your heart, its fickle, listen to your soul, God doesnít steer you wrong - HUFI
It's sad that the fear of something happening, somewhere in the unknown future can be so devastating right now in the present.
Yes..it is. I don't get up everyday thinking what if one of us gets cancer, or the house burns down, or...whatever. I don't even think everyday, what if this is the day I find out he broke NC? But I do have difficulty with future planning...especially the parts that involve us as a couple. I just get up today and go to work, get gas for the car...get ready for tomorrow...next week...etc. But to think what about 5 years from now...2 years...even 1 year from now...it is like the road ahead is foggy and I can't see beyond a certain point. Unless I am going through a really bad time, I can usually enjoy a good day and live in the moment when we are enjoying life.
I have no doubt that he probably has the similar fears...if I put myself in his place, I can see that another A would be way more life-altering for him. From my perspective, the aftermath dday affected him very little.
I also think you are right about the WS being blindsided years later...the effects may be delayed...it is all a risk for everyone involved.
Talk about it and you may be surprised to hear words of positive commitment for a future life come out of the mouths of the WS. And yes, I know that words are only words unless verified by years of consistent action proven by verification.
I think this may very well be the case if I could read his mind, but the words...??? For the first two years, I talked, then tried to get him to talk...answer questions...he just gets frustrated...he says he can't change what I know... can't say anything that would matter...needs to put it in the past...needs me to stop picking the scab...says that not trusting him doesn't show love, etc. Talking to him about this is useless!!
I do believe him when he says that he never plans to leave me...that adds to the mistrust that if he has another A or breaks NC, he would be honest and tell me.
I also fell a little dishonest myself in NOT making it clear that I have issues in our future planning.
I know that words are only words unless verified by years of consistent action proven by verification
I am so very weary of verifying (this is one thing that does weigh heavily on the BS) and have come to the conclusion that if I have to verify, I don't trust...
Sorry I was rambling but you bring up good points.