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Should I contact this BH?

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Ascendant posted 2/19/2014 22:39 PM

I know of a guy who is a BH. I don't believe that he knows it. I worked with his wife, and she had an affair with a coworker of ours. It ended last year, December/January 2013, but the WW made contact with OM at least twice more after that. I don't know the BH well, met him maybe twice but I have his work address, and I think I'm going to anonymously make (one way) contact. I'm thinking the information I should include:

OM name
OM phone number/address
Phone Number of the person who his WW had watch their daughter while she was fucking around.
What I know of the affair...it's not hearsay.
Who else knew.
URL for this site.

My gut tells me to send it. My brain worries about the blowback. Also, if he does already know, I'd hate to be the person to re-hash his pain...I know I should just do the right thing and let go of the outcome. If it were me, I would want to know.

Thoughts?

[This message edited by FacePunched at 10:45 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

nolight posted 2/20/2014 00:24 AM

I think you should tell him but perhaps consider leaving out the OM's surname and address. The media often reports cases of violence when a spouse discovers an affair, and while its likely that the BH will eventually discover this info, allowing him a "cooling off period" will hopefully enable him to deal with the immediate shock before confrontation.

5454real posted 2/20/2014 00:36 AM

You already know my vote. Let me ask you this. What would you counsel your son to do if he were in the same circumstance?

I know I should just do the right thing and let go of the outcome. If it were me, I would want to know.

Will you set the example?

RidingHealingRd posted 2/20/2014 00:56 AM

If you are 100% certain then I would tell the BH.
I learned that my cousin's H was cheating and offered to tell her. It is the right thing to do.

I wish someone would have informed me of my WHs infidelity.

BAB61 posted 2/20/2014 10:04 AM

Speaking as a BS that found out AFTER D-Day that some of the people in my circle KNEW about his cheating ways I would want to know. Having the information and it being irrefutable, that's all to the good.

Send him the info. As far as providing the surname of the OM, I think I would. He's part of the problem.

Ascendant posted 2/20/2014 18:02 PM

Wrote the letter. Haven't sent it yet. Here's a draft:

[BH]-
I don’t have the slightest clue how to begin this letter, so I’ll just say it:
A year or so ago, while your wife [WW] was working at [Workplace] in [City], she had an affair with a co-worker of hers, [OM]. The “relationship” was definitely of a sexual nature. This is not hearsay, or rumor, or innuendo; this is something heard directly from [OM]’s mouth.

I have heard other things about the “relationship”, but those were not from [OM] himself and so I cannot say for sure whether they were true or not. The facts, as heard from [OM] himself:
• He and [WW] had a sexual relationship. She told him on at least one occasion that they were “soul mates.”
• [WW] had [Babysitter] babysit your daughter so that she could spend time with [OM]. When [Babysitter] discovered that your wife was not working at her new job (the one after [Workplace]) all the times that she said she was, [Babysitter] decided that she didn’t want to be a part of the nonsense and told your wife she would no longer watch your daughter.
• They had some sort of falling out on your wife’s last day at [Workplace]. This was observed and talked about by their coworkers.
• At least twice after this (according to [OM]), your wife sent him a letter (I don’t know if he meant email or normal, he wasn’t completely clear). The first letter told [OM] that “he had ruined her life.” The second, sometime later (on her birthday, I believe he told me), she stated how much she missed him and that they were “soul mates”.

Those are the only “facts” that I can speak to. Anything else I might add would just be conjecture and speculation from rumors and whispers.

If you already know this information, either in full or in part, then I want to wholeheartedly apologize for bringing this all back up and rehashing the pain.
If you didn’t already know this, or perhaps have a partial story, then I would still like to apologize. No man should have to go through this, and no one should have to find out like this.

It’s probably not even my right to say anything to you, but I put myself in your shoes: if I were you, I would rather know than not know, no matter the source.

I’m so very sorry.

4everfaithful83 posted 2/20/2014 18:15 PM

I definitly think you should tell him!

However, I agree with NOLIGHT. You shouldn't include the OM address and last name. Who knows what he will do once he knows. The last thing you would want is for the BH to go shoot the OM in his driveway, or something crazy like that!

But yeah...I think we would all want to know, and he has a right to know.

hardtimesinlife posted 2/20/2014 18:31 PM

I think it might ease his embarrassment if you lightly mentioned that you are a BS, too, and maybe add that you are writing because you wish someone had told you.

eta: He's probably going to obsess over "who" sent this letter. I know I would. My dday was known by my entire circle, personal and professional, so I know how awful it is to wonder who knows what.

[This message edited by hardtimesinlife at 6:33 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

Rebreather posted 2/20/2014 18:32 PM

I like it. Send it.

My only concern is that the wife will gaslight and he won't believe her. I would maybe suggest that before he confront his wife, he do some detective work on is own. That from personal experience, you know the pain, and know the likelihood of lies upon confrontation.

Uhtred posted 2/20/2014 18:33 PM

You got my vote on telling the man. He has a right to the truth and to make an informed decision on his future. Good going man.

Simple posted 2/20/2014 18:36 PM

Definitely yes send it. No OM address for sure. And I have mentioned this site to those I know had gone through this experience we all share.

Ascendant posted 2/21/2014 11:57 AM

Letter sent. I didn't include OM address (he just moved, so I don't know it now anyway.) I did include OM phone number, but stated that "I don't know if you'll want to talk to him, or if he'll even tell you the truth."

Rebreather posted 2/21/2014 12:00 PM

Good work, FP. I hope this works out.

norabird posted 2/21/2014 12:01 PM

Good for you!

In the future, I would never, ever let someone practice deception on their partner. I've never been in that situation before but knowing that some of my exWBF's friends knew...

I will NOT allow anyone to get away with that kind of shit if I'm placed in that situation. I have thought about this a lot since DDay actually! Picturing what I would tell the cheater about how they need to tell the truth or I will. It has been a weirdly satisfying fantasy.

Jrazz posted 2/21/2014 12:06 PM

I contacted a BW after learning that one of my lifelong friends was an OW. I gave her a chance to come clean and she refused.

It's not for the faint of heart - and it's total triggertown.

It IS the right thing to do. Good for you for being considerate about this. He deserves to know. If he already knows, and this triggers him, giving him the URL for this website is still the gift of company and coping tools.

I'm interested to hear his response, if you feel like sharing when he does.

Razor posted 2/21/2014 12:12 PM

OMs BH found out about the affair about 2 years before I did. She opted to NOT tell me.

The LTA went underground and went on another 2 years.

I called her about 6 months after my Dday and told her what I knew.

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