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User Topic: listing adultery on the divorce petition
tennis26
♀ 39585
Member # 39585
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In our state, even in a "no fault" divorce we can list adultery and whatever else we want for the reasons. I want to list this to have it in writing and I guess I am a stickler for the "truth" more than I used to be. The problem is he has offered a generous settlement financially due to his guilt and wanting to look like a good guy.
When I have the papers drawn up and ask him to sign what we've agreed to, he will see I've listed adultery and may go back on what he agreed to.
Should I just let it go? I've agreed not to pursue a "fault" divorce where we'd be in court. In our state adultery is actually still against the law, although not enforced.
Part of this is my renewed rage at finding out he lied more and is still with her and has been the whole time we were "trying" to work it out.


Me BS 44, Him WS 44
Married 17 yrs 4 kids-3,6,10,15
Day 5/23/13 divorcing

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand this urge. Adultery is a misdemeanor in the state of IL, but almost never prosecuted. I've been tempted more that once to file a police report against STBXH and XBFF. In the end I've decided its not worth my time or energy.

In our state, there is a waiting period for a no fault divorce. I'm not waiting! The wording on the petition actually lists the statute which includes ALL the possible grounds for divorce without listing which specific one applies. STBXH's Answer disputes grounds. I'm hoping its a pro forma thing, otherwise I'm gonna subponea OW/XBFF. Not gonna let myself be put in limbo because STBXH doesn't want to be the bad guy.

But my D isn't final yet, so we'll have to wait and see.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 2101 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The truth is good, but getting what you want is better. You won't get an apology or admission from him. I would just let this go, and hopefully prevent him from being a dink about the whole thing.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
Nomorestrength
♀ 42257
Member # 42257
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you sure he isn't being generous because he knows you listed adultery and he wants you to change that before it's final? I guess I'm just wondering how he wouldn't know up until this point. Maybe because my WH is an attorney, so I know when I serve him with adultery he will fight tooth and nail to not have that on his permanent record.

I agree with above though, at the end of the day if you get what you feel is a fair settlement - that is all that matters. I might be filing adultery as leverage because I have plenty of proof and I want the deadbeat to fork over a portion of my prenatal costs.

Best of luck and let us know how it pans out.


Posts: 44 | Registered: Jan 2014
wannabenormal
♀ 19772
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I say "strike while the iron is hot". If he's willing to pay out of guilt - do it now and leave 'icky' out before he has a chance to change his mind. YOU know what really happened and a year, or years, from now, it won't matter what the papers say, know what I mean?

I filed, citing adultery - even named OW. XH was served those papers. But when we actually settled (via mediation) my attorney advised to leave that part out (especially since cheating doesn't have an impact because we live in a no fault state and I conceded). We left it as marriage irretrievably broken. I accepted that, though I wanted it 'on the books' that XH was a big POS.

Now, 5 yrs later - who cares? No one but us (me) ever looks at the papers anyway (and that's only to verify whatever holiday we're not sure of with the kids once in a blue moon, LOL).

My opinion is - get what you need while you can. I would rather skip the semantics and take advantage of his guilt now because that fades pretty fast!



Posts: 14427 | Registered: Jun 2008
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not go for a fault petition. That truly galled me. I wanted to have it there in black & white that he was a cheater and an abuser.

I settled for speaking my truth to anyone I choose, though. Furthermore, there are mentions here & there throughout the process that, should anyone read through it all and catch these things, will be able to add it all together and know what happened (in that there was adultery, not that he's a f-ing pervert or an abuser).

Oh, and I did slip in a reference in some evidence I submitted the phrase that a certain woman (who I named) was a romantic & sexual partner DURING OUR MARRIAGE. Yeah, I said that in a written piece of evidence that's part of the court record now.

Get your best deal. Find other ways to be truthful.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10154 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Merlin
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I filed using adultery. And my state (NJ) is also a 'no-fault' (what a joke!) state.

At least here, after the legal papers start building up, it no longer matters. However....

It is clear from how the court reviews documents that the initial cause for filing does make it into the minds of the judges, clerks and others.

So, for accuracy and (maybe) a glimmer of consideration, do list infidelity as the reason you file.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
RealityStinks
♂ 41457
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ Gemini71 -
I wish I lived in Illinois!

@ tennis26 -
In my state it costs ALOT more to file for fault (i.e. adultery) than no fault. I'd rather have the money, and the "court of public opinion" will side with me anyway. And if you think about it, who is actually going to go down to the courthouse and read about your D? No one. That's why I'm OK with "irreconcilable differences". God knows, I know, she knows, and anyone that matters knows why I filed for D. Having it written down in the courthouse basement just isn't worth it. That's me though, do what you feel is right.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Dawn58
♀ 37656
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I live in a no fault state, and only have two choices - irreconcilable differences was the more appropriate choice. If I had the option to list adultery, I would. I have no desire to keep his secret.

I did ask for disclosure on all monies spent on individuals he had an Intimate relationship with outside of marriage, so if anyone goes through the paperwork, they will find that. He did admit to some dollar amounts (only after the date of separation) but I know he was buying her gifts and took her to a hotel at least twice before that.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
sparkysable
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you in NY?

I put this in there, and I think he never saw it, I think his lawyer didn't give him that part. Plus, that part is not part of the final decree that you receive once it's final. It's a separate 'reason for the divorce' thing. I named OW outright and gave details. My lawyer typed it and filed it.

Even though it made no difference, I wanted it on file.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3571 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
SeanFLA
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My attorney listed it in there. Frankly I think the family courts see so much of it nobody really cares. It gets filed away with thousands of similar cases. It really doesn't make a difference in a no fault state. Most attorneys do it for formal purposes for the most part.


BS(me) 48
WW 47
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1480 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Charity411
♀ 41033
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I listed adultery, and named the OW in the court documents. My attitude was that I wanted it on the record. I love history and historical research. I think records matter. It's not that it matters so much right then. I was thinking more about the long run. It may sound silly, but maybe someday an ancestor of mine may want to research his or her family. I've done that with my immigrant ancestors. I want that person to know the truth. It would be insulting to me if future generations thought we had an amicable parting of the ways.


Posts: 413 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
Charity411
♀ 41033
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I listed adultery, and named the OW in the court documents. My attitude was that I wanted it on the record. I love history and historical research. I think records matter. It's not that it matters so much right then. I was thinking more about the long run. It may sound silly, but maybe someday an ancestor of mine may want to research his or her family. I've done that with my immigrant ancestors. I want that person to know the truth. It would be insulting to me if future generations thought we had an amicable parting of the ways.


Posts: 413 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
RealityStinks
♂ 41457
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, this has definitely got me thinking. I hadn't thought of future relatives digging through records. I would definitely want them to know.

I'm going to ask my lawyer if we can say that the reconcilable difference is "his name". Probably will never matter to anyone else, but it would make me smile.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
WestMonroe91
♂ 41999
Member # 41999
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had my L use "insupportable" instead of adultery. I was wondering if the judge confirms this at the hearing. You know, something like "Mr. Jones, is it correct that you are divorcing Mrs. Jones because of irreconcilable differences?" If this happens, I could say, Your Honor, that is correct because I did not want to use adultery to complicate the proceedings. LOL

[This message edited by WestMonroe91 at 3:03 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]


BS-60 (me)
WS-49
DD-25, DS-21, DS-20

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 15

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