Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

The pain and doubts

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

joannie posted 2/20/2014 01:58 AM

Thanks first for telling me i was posting just replies, here is a post from me.
It is 5 months just over, we are staying together after 34 years and I have the result I wanted as i love my husband, But Why is he still in touch with the other woman, this is by his mobile and before anyone asks I know it for fact that it happens. She lives up the road from us, we live in a small hamlet in France, everyone knew before me..I had to prize an apology from him at new year He cannot see why it is so difficult to live here for me, she passes daily a few times, sometimes I see her and the look I get is awful. It hurts that they still talk, she thinks I don't know and it feels like she has a hold on him still. I need to be reassured and it is making him upset so I know that even if I find out they have spoken I must keep quiet now.He says we are ok and I wish I was old now looking back on a great time together. When i go out after a while i need to come back even though i fell uncomfortable at tome. We lost a lot of folk we thought were friends and one of our sons is not speaking to me as he says i let him down, did not listen to him, he wanted me to leave and i did not. In many ways life is getting better but until i know why they talk and it stops i make my own answers up. I feel i am not enough, not attractive enough , sexy enough, emotionally enough, although i do believe there is nothing physical happening. Think i am going mad, anyone else felt like this , any advice...please.....

[This message edited by joannie at 1:55 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

refuz2bavictim posted 2/20/2014 02:35 AM

Thanks for sharing your story Joannie.

From what I understand, you are in a small village in France and the OW is also living very close to you. Is she within walking distance?
Since you are in a small village/hamlet that probably means everyone in the village knows everyone else, and what is happening in their lives and homes.

Is the Affair common knowledge in the village?

Does the OW have a Husband (BH)?

You say that you feel very uncomfortable when you go out.
Are you a newcomer to the village or is this the home place of either you or your husband? Do either of you have family nearby?

Your WH is still in contact with her. He becomes upset when you ask him about it.
It also sounds like you are isolated, having lost friends and family over this.

Do you have any friends that are only your friends, and not also those of your husband?

Of course you don't feel happy and a bit like you are going mad. He is asking you to trust him, when he can NOT be trusted.
He is still talking to her because he is maintaining the Affair. Even if it isn't still physical.

He is maintaining an emotional connection to her, at the very least. By keeping his connection to her, he is making it more important than your happiness and well being.

The problem is not how attractive or sexy you are. You are enough. The problem is that he lies and hides things. He is the problem.

He should not be in contact with her. At all. Ever. There is no reason for you to trust him if he is still in contact with her.

I am sorry

Ostrich80 posted 2/20/2014 03:47 AM

Have you given him an ultimatum? Do you want to or are yiou afraid of what he may say? I don't see how he can expect you to be ok with this situation. He betrayed you with her, he should have zero contact now. I'm sorry joannie
You must believe that his choice doesn't have a damn thing with your appearances or sexiness. See how its attacking your self esteem? This is not good for you living like this.

marionwendy posted 2/20/2014 07:22 AM


Im so sorry for the way you are feeling. I don't know how your WH thinks you should trust him?

So the OW walks past your house on a daily basis? UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!

Your neighbours knew about the affair before you? NICE!!!!

Are you afraid to say anything to your WH? IMO the OW needs to know you know that there is still contact and I would be telling her that there will no longer be any contact between the two of them. I would also be telling your husband that there is to no longer be any contact.

What a nasty lady she is! giving you dirty looks!

As for your son... He probably is hurting for you. I know from my experience that my youngest son who is 25 (he was home for a visit when the affair was discovered) he told my WH he was disgusted in his fathers behavior and that I should leave. Your children hurt for you when things like this happen. They want to defend the parent who has been hurt, and cant comprehend why we choose to stay. He will come around you'll see.

Have you done the 180 on your WH? Show him you mean business. Put those Bitch boots on everyone here always talks about. Be strong, don't take this for one more minute. Put your foot down. No more contact!!!!!! NONE!

cantgetup posted 2/20/2014 07:59 AM

Your H is responsible for everything you are going though. And to be still talking to her means things have not ended. Because things have not ended, you are not in R. If you are not in R then your marriage is on very shaky ground.

How can you say you have the results you wanted? I'm sure this isn't what you wanted. Is the result you wanted in the fact he decided to "stay"? I can tell just physically staying is not enough for you. It's not enough for most. And you feel it.

So it doesn't matter "why" he's talking to her, it matters "that" he's talking to her. And he gets upset when you try to speak with him about this? These are all common red
Flags for a continuing affair and your gut is telling you what your head doesn't want to hear. Understandable.

It's time to confront, 180, give ultimatums, kick him out,you move out, or see if you accept your H has a girlfriend. Sucks big time. I'm so sorry.

Your son must see some of this, likely more clearly than you and is mad for you. How does he feel about his father?

cancuncrushed posted 2/20/2014 10:22 AM

He is still in an EA. To make R possible, there has to be NC. You not being allowed to mention anything is controlling and this is emotional abuse. THis has nothing to do with you. Its him.
I understand about your son. (my daughter and I have fought over this, also)You need to accept what is true...Get stronger every day.....Work on yourself. Your self esteem. Your ego. Your pride. Your knowledge of right and wrong. ANd stand firm.
Its ok, if you are not ready to decide quickly. We all heal, and prepare on our own schedule. this marriage may not R.... You need to Get stronger. Read up on infidellty, and learn, this really isnt about you.
It is painful. It is hard. One step at a time. There will be a time ,when you know what you need or want. Your son has to understand this. I am married 30 yrs. I wonder if its harder for the longer marriages to accept this? THen I wonder, if we are just taking time to heal then D? We cannot guess the outcome. Be prepared either way.
Many of us stay while not having true effort from WS....Still hoping. Its a time to work on us. We are NOt necessarily accepting the marriage as is. Take your time, Use your time. Always be smart.

norabird posted 2/20/2014 12:11 PM


I need to be reassured and it is making him upset so I know that even if I find out they have spoken I must keep quiet now.

No, no, no, no. You are tiptoeing around a man who is flaunting his continued contact with his AP (affair partner) when you are in the right! He is making you feel guilty when HE is the one who is wrong.

You ARE enough: sexy enough, attractive enough, whatever. This is NOT about your deficiencies. Do not feel ashamed or inadequate.

But you need to stop letting him do whatever he wants. Find your backbone, insert it, and demand the respect you deserve.

lastdance posted 2/20/2014 15:26 PM

joannie ,please listen to the good advice you have from here----PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND YOUR BITCH BOOTS ON----you need to take a stand---he is still in an affair--kick him out until he complies with no contact---by having him at home with you does not mean he is with you---he is still with her ,not you----he is the one that has to work to heal you---not you---he betrayed your vows,not you----can you go to your sons house and stay with him for a while---do not even tell him where you are,he needs to miss you,miss the marriage----it is not your fault,has nothing to do with how you look -----this is all on him ,your husband----it is all about him---is he not sorry that you have to be humiliated in town because they know-----is this why they are on the phone for so long just to cool off the comments in town---I feel they just decided to not let people see them togrther but are still involved-----GIRL PUT THOSE BOOTS ON AND DO YOUR THING

joannie posted 2/21/2014 10:16 AM

Am scared to do this, I know him he would end it if i left again, cannot go to sons as we have no relationship after this happened, he talks to his dad for work purposes and i am sick to the stomach from all of this gonna wait til end of April, we are due to go to his family who live abroad for 3 weeks end of March, then if the conversations go on, i will have to try and toughen up...

million tears posted 2/21/2014 12:22 PM

If he would end the marriage because you put your foot down, do you want to be with him? It sounds like he is using you. He does what he wants because he knows you are scared. Being with him does not make you the winner.

Can you honestly say that you are happy with the way things are? If the answer is no then YOU have to change them.

If he ends the marriage, he was never in it in the first place.

norabird posted 2/21/2014 12:36 PM

If he ends the marriage, he was never in it in the first place.

^^^^ ding ding ding. This is really important to understand. He has to want to be with you. Instead it just sounds like he wants to be able to bully you into accepting his control of the situation.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.