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Can't get over the timing...

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igtburnsed posted 2/20/2014 02:19 AM

This is my first post. I got the confession several days before Christmas and had only a day or so to feel & express my anger and intense pain before having to put on my happy face and get through the holidays and my child's most important birthday. Now I'm having a really hard time feeling anything but numb, and on the days I do my husband acts like we've moved on from it because I was able to put it aside for a few days.
The timing of everything has thrown me and hurts more than anything. We married July 2012 and by November he had contacted and started regularly speaking to an ex from 6 years previous - his first love. He says it happened because I was working too much and not paying enough attention to him. (I was promoted within days of returning from our honeymoon and was working more, but I told him this would be required when asking him if I should take the position.)

December 18 2012 he told me he was going out Christmas shopping for me with his sister. They ended up going to the bar & getting drunk, then the OW called begging him for a ride. They had what he calls unplanned, drunk sex. Just the one time, which made him realize he'd taken it too far and he told her 3 days later he was wrong to contact her and ended it.
I knew deep down something wasn't right after that night, and he spent the entire next year telling me he was so hurt by my working so much, saying I'd cut back but never enough for it to matter. Everything was my fault - I couldn't please him no matter how hard I tried. His sister covered for him that night. At one point he even went & stayed with her for a few weeks because "I just wasn't being the wife I said I'd be". I did everything I could - counseling, changed jobs, stopped seeing my friends...eventually quitting my job at his request (and after a devastating miscarriage) in November 2013. Then he told me he had spent the entire year treating me poorly because he had sex with OW and hated himself for it.

His phone records don't support his account of things and he gets angry when I ask him things he's already answered. He had a whole year to cover his tracks and delete all the evidence. His new excuse is that the phone records are wrong - I'm not stupid. Although most days I feel like I am for believing anything that comes out of his mouth or for waiting around to see if he's going to get real. He's mad there's no affection from me. His mind games of the last year have really messed with me.

The timing of everything is particularly hurtful - that he could do it so soon after our wedding and within hours of shopping for me & minutes of speaking to me on the phone. To put me through a year of hell, making me feel like all I did was hurt him then admit it when he knew I wouldn't be able to deal with it. To me, the timing says he can't possibly value our marriage. I married a completely different person - for 3 years he was loving, respectful,considerate & my best friend.

I don't think I believe it was just once, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. He's not really doing the things that a remorseful person does. It's all words and no action. He wants a clean slate & to move forward without looking back or dealing with what happened, I don't think that's realistic - at least not for me.

I hope to gain some clarity and strength from this forum because nothing else is helping.

hurtingfool posted 2/20/2014 03:17 AM

I'm sorry you are here. I'm still new to this, but have learned quite a lot from here. Putting it to use is the harder part.

I'd expect more truth to come out. It just seems to be how these things work. IC for you and him I would also recommend. Look at what is going to be a deal breaker for you for this marriage to continue. Really think about it. My WW has always had a pretty shitty memory, even when we were dating, so stuff she can't remember from the past I am a little more lenient on, the recent past not so much. Not to say I'm not angry over the far past.

Timing. Seriously, fuck the timing these people have. To be able to talk to you and then knowingly be with someone else right after, I just can't fathom it. That is a bigger blow to me then doing it on a holiday (which I had).

Start reading The Healing Library in the upper left. Read some posts. This community is so helpful.

There are plenty of us that feel and know your pain. You are not alone.

Leia posted 2/20/2014 05:33 AM

I'm sorry you're here, too. I'm relatively new here, too. Please take Hurtingfool's advice and read the healing library. It really does help. Also, google the term "gaslighting." Your story sounds like there is a lot of that going on with him right now. Learning the term and reading about it really helped me separate the truth from fiction in our marriage. Also, it helped me to reach out to old friends and tell them what was going on. I don't know that I would recommend my course of action for your situation, but having old friends around has really helped me. Take care, and hang in there.

jb3199 posted 2/20/2014 06:05 AM

Sorry that you find yourself here. But you will get a lot of helpful advice.

I did everything I could - counseling, changed jobs, stopped seeing my friends...eventually quitting my job at his request (and after a devastating miscarriage) in November 2013. Then he told me he had spent the entire year treating me poorly because he had sex with OW and hated himself for it.

This may very well be true. There is nothing that you have done that caused him to cheat. He has to own that 100%, and if you try to shoulder ANY of the blame, then it will only delay your recovery.

As for him treating you poorly, that, unfortunately, is a very common trait in cheaters. They have to somehow justify their poor behavior....even if it is they can cope with themselves. Villainizing you is the easiest way for him to continue. You work too much, your not a "traditional" wife, you don't pay enough attention to me----blah, blah, blah----and you soon become despised. That is because he sees himself when he looks at you.

His phone records don't support his account of things and he gets angry when I ask him things he's already answered. He had a whole year to cover his tracks and delete all the evidence. His new excuse is that the phone records are wrong - I'm not stupid.

There is a saying around here---always trust your gut. Just by what you have told us, I am willing to bet the house that you don't have the complete story. And why should you believe him at this point? All he has proven is that he is a cheat and a liar. Absolutely not remorseful---just a little regretful. If he ever finds remorse, you will know it. Because with remorse, come a boatload of empathy---and he obviously has no idea what he has done to you or your family.

My advice?

Keep reading here. Keep posting here. You will start to see how eerily similar that yours and others' stories can parallel each other. Every case is unique, yet so textbook---if that makes sense. Just know that (1) you didn't cause this, and (2) you can't fix it. He has to do the major work, and all that you can do is participate...if that is your desire. If you want to walk from this marriage today, no one here would blame you. Infidelity is simply a dealbreaker for many...even if they don't know that in the early days.

Good luck. Please keep posting. The more that we know, the more that we can potentially help.

Breezy150 posted 2/20/2014 11:20 AM

I understand the timing thing adding insult to injury, my WHs A went physical 4 weeks after we renewed our vows and went clear through our wedding anniversary and Christmas. This was the first Christmas that things were getting back to normal and I thought things were going very well. We had a very traumatic Christmas in 2011, there was a murder and attempted murder in our family. I am so angry at him for having the PA at the exact time that his family needed him so much.

Just thought I would put my two cents in that timing can add so much hurts.
I am so sorry that you are going through this.

norabird posted 2/20/2014 15:14 PM

I hurt so much for you reading this. His desire to sweep this under the rug, and his lying about the extent of the contact (because phone records don't lie), are profoundly disrespectful. You are not in real R, because he is not actually remorseful. He is still trying to cover his own ass. That, after isolating you from your career, your have allowed him to emotionally abuse you. It starts slowly and you go along with it because you love him and believed in your vows, and he took advantage of that trust in you to make you guilty and make him out as your 'victim'. Poor widdle husband.

I am really angry at him the more I think about it! You are clearly a good, caring person, and he has used that as a weapon against you while behaving like no real partner would.

Reach back up to your friends. Do the 180 (see under the healing library -- faq for bs). Eventually you'll be strong enough to see you deserve better than this. Then you can start getting your ducks in a row to leave--perhaps this will cause him to see how badly he has behaved and become truly remorseful. But the status quo now is broken in your M. It can't stay as it is for your sake, even though change can be frightening and you will have to mourn the loss of the man you thought you married and the future you envisioned. As hurtingfool says:

I'm still new to this, but have learned quite a lot from here. Putting it to use is the harder part.

It can be a slow turnaround to detach, especially in a codependent relationship (as yours seems to perhaps be, with all you've sacrificed only to walk on eggshells). But you can build up the strength. You deserve a much happier life and you already know he won't help you work through the issues he's dumped on your plate.

igtburnsed posted 2/21/2014 13:51 PM

Wow. I had no idea how powerful the words of others could be. Thank you all so much for your comments. I've been so lost. I've been reading your suggestions & the healing library. The practice part is really hard.
Today we are trying to get along...I despise having to pretend like everything is okay.

Blobette posted 2/21/2014 18:44 PM

Wow. I am so sorry for you. What hell this guy has put you through. I have to ask you, what exactly is in it for you, in this marriage? By your account, this loser has demanded that you give up everything, has run you down and blamed you for what' strong in your marriage... While (most likely) carrying on an affair. (One of the patterns mentioned above is that the "truth" always starts out with a tiny admission and then more and more is discovered. I am sure there was more to it.). Regardless... Your affection with him seems to be based on a memory of someone you thought he was a long time ago. There' say line here, "when someone show you who they are, believe the." He's shown you who he is. A lying, cheating, controlling bastard.

Read the healing library. A truly remorseful spouse focuses on the pain they've caused you. The TR spouse is not defensive and does not blame you for his bad choices. A truly remorseful spouse tries to figure out how they could have done such a profoundly shitty thing. Lest you think I'm being unrealistic, I assure you that my WH qualifies on all of these counts. He doesn't gat mad when I talk about how the A has made me feel, and doesn't show how impatient he is about talking about "that again".

You're very early in this relationship, and I know you've got a new baby, but, honestly? Lose this guy. As a first step, set some conditions for staying with him, and hold to them.

I'm so sorry you're here.

Jacobswife posted 2/21/2014 18:52 PM

My WH was with his OW on a day that I had to ask friends to help with. Y kids because I had to have emergency gall bladder surgery! Seems to me these guys simply don't think. It hurts so much! I am sorry for your pain and wish you strength!!!

igtburnsed posted 3/4/2014 09:11 AM

I have so many unanswered questions. I feel like I might as well just assume the worst to be true in all instances, and if I can't move on to reconciliation accepting they are then I need to get out of the relationship. Maybe that's too harsh?

RippedSoul posted 3/4/2014 09:22 AM

Trickle truth is SO incredibly pervasive, igtburnsed, and SO powerfully damaging. IMHO, you don't need to make any decision right now except to heal. You don't have to decide to R or to D, but you DO have to work on you.

Work on "reclaiming" you. Your self-esteem has been decimated, so start there. Build yourself up in whatever way works for you. You'll need that to navigate the rest of your life--whether you're with or without him.

Get your finances in order. Start IC (if you haven't already). Enjoy that promotion and your job. Spend time with friends. Go to the gym. Get a manicure. Listen to music YOU like. Learn something you've always wanted to do: play guitar, speak French--whatever. Move on. Move beyond his betrayal. He may decide he wants to come with you. He may decide he wants to wallow in his polluted past. Doesn't matter.

YOU need to do what's best for you and your little one. Right now, with the way he's behaving, he doesn't matter. If he wants to matter, eventually, then he can do the work it takes. If not, then you have your answer.

jjct posted 3/4/2014 09:28 AM

Not too harsh at all.
In all ways, you are honoring yourself.

That is what we need to learn to do - after "putting out" for the needs of others for so long...
and he abused that trust.
Make no mistake - you have been abused.

If you want to walk from this marriage today, no one here would blame you.

Find the place within yourself where you are willing to walk away, that's the first step.

In the most important way, that step will be the first of many toward reclaiming yourself.

igtburnsed posted 3/4/2014 23:43 PM

Thank you, I keep trying to do these things then fall back for whatever reason. I had a miscarriage in October, so there's no baby to consider, sorry if that wasn't clear. I have a daughter from a previous marriage. I also had to quit my job because the position I accepted required so many hours that I couldn't commit to it as a single parent, something we discussed at length before I accepted. He can't live up to anything really & I don't know why I keep thinking one day he'll actually be the man he says he wants to be.
The advice is great and I know that's what I should do, I just feel brainwashed whenever he's around.

igtburnsed posted 3/5/2014 09:33 AM

I asked him to leave. Nothing with him is drama fee. I was kind & calm about it. As I write this I am getting terrible text messages about how he changed his deposit account and there will be no money for bills this month & he can't wait until my daughter & I are homeless. Guess I made the right call.

norabird posted 3/5/2014 10:17 AM

He is showing you who he is. I'm sorry it turns out to be a person with no moral character or integrity.

Please see a lawyer now, today, to protect your family. Sorry, but he doesn't just get to withdraw support!

In a sick way it's almost a blessing that his mask is off as it makes your next steps clear...but I am so, so sorry you have been used and discarded in this way by someone you trusted. You do not deserve this. But you can fight him for your rights and you will build a new life out of the ashes one day. For now just take it one step at a time.

There is great support down in the Divorce/Separation forum.

jjct posted 3/5/2014 10:18 AM

Save the texts, show them to your attorney - he's hoisting his own petard.
He will be outed for the evil assclown he is before the judge...

Heck, I'd even suggest encouraging him to text more cruelties by pretending to respond (when all you're really doing is drawing him out - getting him to paint an even clearer picture of his evil intentions). If you're up to it that is...

Either way, his mask is off, and we got your back

StillStanding1 posted 3/5/2014 10:52 AM

I am so very sorry to read what you have been going through. Your WH is a Class A scumbag. No one should ever be treated that way by the person that committed to a lifetime of love, honor, and respect.

I know it is super hard and that your emotions will be all over the place.

Just try to be good to yourself and start lining up your ducks. Stay hydrated, try to eat, take vitamins, get out to exercise, try to see a friend or two that you can reach out to for support. You will be okay. Really. It will take time. But eventually you will be okay and you will go on to live a happier life without him. He doesn't deserve you.

I am so very sorry for your pain.

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