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needleman posted 2/20/2014 08:07 AM

hello fellow sufferers.

here is my story which I will keep as brief as possible.. I have been with my partner for 17 years we have 3 children aged 3, 5 and 7.. she is 37 and I am 61.. so work out the difference. When we met she worked with I was the boss and she the accounts clerk, I was divorced. I asked her out because she was always hovering around my office and I explained that it was going to be a bit of fun (and sex obviously) but I couldn't see it going anywhere. She came to my flat once every fortnight then it became once a week and so on. I always maintained this approach because I just didn't believe that she would want to be with long term.. we had a good time.. In 2000 my business folded and I was left with NOTHING, my mother I felt pretty helpless. I made a decision to try living abroad. I asked her if she would like to come with me, as she was unhappy in her job, but I also re-stressed the future thing.. anyway she didn't come. We communicated over the phone and email and she came to visit me a few times.. one day she emailed me to say that she felt it was best if we finished the relationship... I was horrified and I flew back to London the next morning and declared my undying love..I asked her to marry me.. she refused. I asked again and she said yes... her family were shocked (by this time we had been seeing each other for 4 years) I was still a bit of a secret... we moved into a flat together. She was pregnant in 2005 and had our first, I won her family over (asian family btw).. life continued we had a second in 2008 and a third in comes the crunch..1 year ago to the day I by sheer accident took her old phone away from my son and started playing with it...and discovered a very romantic message to a guy at work.. it had been sent at the precise moment that I picked up the phone...what a bit of luck eh? I was shocked I called her and told her what I had found..she admitted that she liked the was her birthday party at work that evening and I was supposed to be going.. I didn't go. I took the children to her mothers and waited for her she arrived at 1am.. she said how sorry she was and pounced on me...I'm a man and the will is I obliged.. we spent the weekend talking and she told me that she was unhappy and had started talking to this guy ( a volunteer samaritan btw) and she started having feelings for him... anyway she said she wanted to stay with me and the family (I am the primary carer and she works)... a year passed and we had gotten over it.. then on the 16th January I receive a text message from a woman telling me that my wife/partner had had an affair with her husband about a year ago and that had had sex on the 5th March at such and such a place.. she forwarded a load of emails between them..this wasn't the same guy but another one.. I called and was very calm and she said yes I did it happened once after a work do.. this brought everything back.. the road to recovery had been well and truly blocked.. she explained that the second guy meant nothing to her and the emails were pure fantasy and as he had left the company she knew it would all fade away anyway. On the 20th January she tells how sorry she is and how the past year had been fantastic and that she would do anything and everything to repay for her stupidity (her words).. now we are the 20th February and for the last three weeks she has been cold, distant, almost indifferent and says that she isn't ready to talk to me that she is angry and hurt by the actions of the wife of the second guy and her words "it's a process, I have feeling as well and I should be allowed to process my feelings"..she said she sees how I try to hide my sadness but I dont do it very well. Last week I picked up her phone and see a message from another guy in the office of whom she speaks about quite liberally, the message wasn't overly romantic but it was the day before Valentines day and he talked of having bought her perfume... later on she says "life is like a long journey" and he replies "yes, and you never know where it leads you " (with the winking emoticon)...reading between the lines this sounds inappropriate to me but perhaps it's my super sensitivity.. She doesn't know that I've read these messages.. but on checking again she hasn't deleted them, which historically she used to.. we are having some severe cash flow issues due to a huge CTax bill and we have been sorting out the money dividing it and spreading the bills..sounds sensible, but I see an ulterior motive.. I must point out that I love this woman with all my heart and I really do not want to lose her... BUT.. although she has emphasised a number of times last year that she wasn't afraid to leave if she felt it was the correct thing to do (bravado I think) she also said a few weeks ago if I continue to put her back to the wall she will walk.. I'm scared so I keep quiet.. Now I know I have two choices,, either I keep quiet and continue in the hope that she is genuinely trying to come to terms with her own demons and things will work out.. or I confront her and speak about her lack of respect for my feelings, I have told her that I want the relationship to continue, she is the mother of my children, my lover, my best friend..and that I would respect the fact that she has her own private thoughts and fears.. I said that but I see nothing of any positivity coming my way... a peck on the cheek on the way to work, one on the way back.. sex is kind of existent but I can feel that she's not fully there...I really don't know where to turn... Excuse this long story but it needed to form the background...HELP !!

kalimata posted 2/20/2014 09:17 AM


So sorry you are here dude. Lots of people will be here to help. Since you care about your wife deeply, here is what you need to do:

1) Stop acting like a pussy and stand up for yourself. Your wife is abusing you and treating you like a doormat. Don't stand for it.
2) Gather more evidence. Texts emails, photos, etc
3) Expose to people who are close to her (her family, your family, workplace). Be careful with the workplace exposure as she may get fired
4) Confront: give her an ultimatum. Either she stops this slutty behavior or you file for D.

You need to snap her out of the fog. She thinks she can have her cake and eat it too. Are you her backup plan? If so how can you live like this? YOU CANNOT NICE HER OUT OF HER ADULTEROUS WAYS. You need to step up and slap her back into reality.

needleman posted 2/20/2014 09:23 AM

Thanks for that...of course I know this is the answer... I was just hoping someone would come up with something I hadn't thought of.

needleman posted 2/20/2014 10:04 AM

further information... the whole business happened a year ago... the first one was an emotional physical stuff.. when he ended it.. she flipped and the first guy in the office that said all the right things got lucky...and even that wasn't planned it was a works do..he missed his train so he stayed at my wife's friends house.. lots of drinks... and so it happened. It doesn't make it right but it was a 1 night thing... I can take this.. She knows that if she goes she has to leave the kids..they stay with me... is she really that stupid.. I get the impression that she wants me to catch her doing something..and the latest thing is just a ploy.. she has always been very protective of her phone and was always deleting messages... now the phone is left around the house and she hasn't deleted the messages... elaborate bluff???

She told me last year that I had stolen her youth...I met her when she was 20 so she's been with me for half her life.. I was shocked by this remark..she did later retract the comment as the argument was at 2am.. we all say stupid things in the middle of the night.. She talks about summer holidays in the is she contemplating a future? We are desperately short of money at the moment so it wouldn't be possible to split.. is she biding her time? Believe me guys I'm no pussy.. I just love her and I'm not prepared to lose her over that business last year. I was married for 17 years to my first wife and I was not a good husband (a good father) but a bad husband.. we are all human.. been there and done it and in her case before she was born. Thanks for your support

kalimata posted 2/20/2014 12:45 PM


now the phone is left around the house and she hasn't deleted the messages... elaborate bluff???

Doesn't sound like extreme remorse to me. Looks like she just was sorry that you busted her. Why isn't she begging on her hands and knees to come back to you? She will do this again in the future. What plan has she come up with to ensure future fidelity?

She told me last year that I had stolen her youth

She obviously is upset with the fact that she married an older man. Now she wants to re-live her youth by shagging other men. What a pathetic and immature attitude. She needs to be snapped out of the fog.

I would threaten D if I were you. Would you be given alimony and custody of the kids since she is the primary wager earner? If so use this to your advantage. I wouldn't merely threaten D, I would actually DO IT. See how she reacts. If she bawls and starts begging then you know she means business. If not then things will not change, only the revolving door of OM will start anew.

Start with the exposure and then confront. Best of luck brother.

norabird posted 2/20/2014 14:14 PM

I'm so sorry. One of your choices is basically just a 'grin and bear it' situation, since that seems easiest and the path of least resistance. But it's not really easy, because it requires you to be blind, to ignore suspicions you know are just (I doubt the latest coworker is innocent--no man I work with would get me perfume!), to suppress your own needs and just hope she comes around. But she is cake-eating, keeping the family together while getting whatever she wants on the side. That's no kind of life.

If she wants to leave, she will do so whether or not you 'put her back to the wall'. And isn't that just another way of saying 'stand up for yourself'?

shiloe posted 2/20/2014 14:28 PM

She obviously is upset with the fact that she married an older man.

I agree with this. She probably wants to keep you and the M while she shops around for a future guy to be with -may stay with you until the kids are older.

She has been with at least 2 OM that you know of.

It is common for a younger woman with a much older H to cheat with men her own age but keep the M intact to be with her kids. I do believe she knows you do not want her to leave (the back against the wall statement). She has been thinking about this for a while.

Absolutely does not make it right in any way what so ever.

Only you know what you can put up with. I don't see any true remorse here.

LifeisCrazy posted 2/20/2014 16:40 PM

Needleman: I am sorry to hear your story and I feel your pain and worry.

A primary component to getting through these issues is maintaining strength - the ability to turn the fear, desperation, and sadness around so that you can manage your marriage and your life.

If you want to save the marriage (and your sanity) then you must maintain the strength to make demands. And those demands are unequivocal - regardless of whether she walks out the door. That is what we all say on a routine basis - to save the marriage you must be willing to lose the marriage. And guess what? She's already had one foot out the door and, just so you remember, either way YOU WILL BE FINE. Read that again: you. will. be. fine.

Take a deep breath. Sit her down. Make a list of absolute requirements:

1. There is no contact with any of the other man. Period. Ever again.
2. She begins IC (as do you, btw).
3. She gives you 100% complete and open transparency.

That is the beginning.

If she hems and haws, refuses, isn't sure, "wants time".... etc. - no problem. You refuse to be a third wheel in your own marriage and you let her know that you love her, want her back, but will not be married to someone who is involved with someone else. And let her leave. Let go of the outcome and know that you will be fine.

This provides an opportunity for several things to happen: she can decide if she wants to stay married to you, you can decide if you want to stay married to HER, you can begin the process of rediscovering your own personal strength, you can get your financial and marital ducks in a row by seeing an attorney to know your rights, and it demonstrates to your family that you will not be treated like a doormat.

Have strength. Know that others have made it through this horror and that you will, too.

Good luck and be strong!

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