SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

lovehatelove posted 2/20/2014 08:07 AM

I found out almost exactly one year ago that my H had an A.. it has torn me apart.. it has broken me.. I can't function most days.. I feel like I should be better at this point.. I'm falling into a deep depression.. and I don't have the support I feel is necessary for me to move on...

We tried MC for alil while.. but it wasn't what we needed.. it didn't do anything positive for me... I didn't care for the counselor anyway.. so we stopped going.. I don't wanna go back either.. I'd rather do IC.......

he told me over and over throughout our entire marriage that fidelity was very important to him and that I'd NEVER have to worry about him cheating on me....

wow... am I a fucking idiot....

I actually believed him..

I don't love him.. I hate him.. I want him to hurt.. I want him to suffer.. I don't trust him.. he lied to me so many times.. it hurts so bad...

Divorce is what I'm wanting to do.. but something is preventing me from going through with it... I haven't quite figured out what it is yet.....

4everfaithful83 posted 2/20/2014 09:24 AM

Hey. Just wanted to let you know you've been heard.

Its a rough road, isn't it?

I'm about 8 months out from DDAY and I can say with certainty that its been the hardest 8 months of my life.

You are NOT an idiot. Please please please don't say that! My WBF said the exact same thing. When you love someone and you trust them, why would you not believe them when they say they would never cheat?

What is your WH doing to work on your relationship? You said MC didn't work, but is he taking all the other steps? If you didn't like the counselor that could be a HUGE deterrent right there, I'd say try to find one that you like.

I would say try out the IC for sure. Just being able to talk to someone else is a big help. It sounds like you have some deep issues to work through. You say you want Divorce but something is stopping you.

I think you owe it to yourself to be happy, no matter what.

Keep coming back to SI. This community is great, and everyone is here for you.

Breezy150 posted 2/20/2014 09:42 AM

I am so sorry, please don't beat yourself up. My WH told me for 24 year that cheating was something that I never even had to worry or think about. He said because his parents marriage had blown up over an affair he knows the pain it causes families and he would never do that. If I was ever even tempted I would divorce you first, he said. I believed him because for 24 years he was an angel. Then he started an almost one year A with my friend right under my nose.
I know that I had every reason to trust him, I also know that this is all on him 100%.
Please take care of yourself, IC sounds great for you. You are only in charge of taking care of you, not him.
My heart goes out to you (((hug))).

BAB61 posted 2/20/2014 11:38 AM

omg - Waywards that profess to 'hate' cheating, despise cheaters and all are a dime a dozen it seems. My STBX said all the same things to me. I believed him for 23 years! So, don't beat yourself up anymore!

What is holding you back imho is most likely fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of being alone. Please get into IC! At the very least find a good friend IRL who you can talk to.

Think of it this way - it's a year into the shitstorm - you still feel horrible - you still have the WH inflicting pain. If you escape the M, you will be able to heal. imho if you feel that D is the way to go, then file. If H shows true remorse and does the real work of R, then you can either stop the proceedings or remarry.

Chrysalis123 posted 2/20/2014 12:12 PM

((((((Lovehatelove)))))

I am so sorry your are hurting so much. I am so happy you found us. There are many wise and loving people here that will offer you support, and have walked in your shoes. Did you find the healing library?

Please post as much as you want.

norabird posted 2/20/2014 14:36 PM

Have you met with a lawyer? Knowledge is power. You don't have to act yet, but it would give you more information about your options.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Is your H helping you at all?

SadInNC posted 2/20/2014 14:56 PM

Hi. My WH always used to tell me that he wasn't like the other guys who go out and cheat, or go to strip clubs and that I never had to worry about that...bla-bla-bla. I believed him 100%. Then DDay came and changed things forever. You, are not alone! I agree with the others about the IC. That will hopefully help you figure out what you really want. You should go. Hugs.

lastdance posted 2/20/2014 17:48 PM

I stayed with my husband after D-day for 13 years---I was in love with him---wanted to work on the marriage---I never moved on or forgot how he hurt me---I was more dedicated that I was before the affair ,catered to him for 13 years but I was dying inside---never was happy again---had mental anguish all those years---cried every day for 13 years------was simply miserable---divorced him for I could not stand him close to me,6 months before divorce became final he reconnected with the ow--she divorced the husband who forgave her and took her back after the affair and married my ex--they are very happy--my ex said that he always loved her,always wanted to be with her----but all thru those 13 years we were working on the marriage ,he used to tell me how sorry he was ,how much he loved me,and how much he wanted the marriage------always looked me in the eyes while saying these things----I wasted 13 years of my life while I could have been moving on and find a man who would be honest and love me----if you have a doubt please do not forget that yes you can be and will be happy if you leave----do not make the same mistake I did when I could have left but because I was under the impression I was in love I decided to punish myself----instead of saving myself from the likes of my ex

brkn_heartd posted 2/20/2014 20:32 PM

Lovehatelove,
It is so very hard. I found SI at about 1 year out also. It was a life saver for me. I felt very much like you described. IC helped me tremendously, but he also went. Our MC wasn't that good either. We are going into our 5th year, and really doing well now.

Happiness is possible but takes a lot of time and energy on both sides. What your message doesn't say, how remorseful is your husband? What is he doing to help you heal? If there is no remorse, you will not heal while staying in the relationship.

lilmonkey posted 2/20/2014 23:59 PM

We are here for you. The feelings you feel are normal. Please take good care of yourself, and seek IC... depression is a very easy path to go down when trauma like this occurs and it is admirable that you recognize yourself going through it and want to take action for it.

...something is preventing me from going through with it... I haven't quite figured out what it is yet.....

I obviously can't tell you what it is that's stopping you, but for most people, it is simple: change. Everyone is afraid of change, to detach from what they are most comfortable with and start fresh. I understand it is one of the most difficult things to do, to divorce your husband and change everything you have ever known.

However, I also want you to remember all the good things that change has most likely brought upon your life. Growing up, from being a teenager to an adult, from leaving high school to university: a good change. A scary one at that, but one that helped you define who you are and consolidate your real friends.

Becoming independent: another good change. I know that my transition from being dependent on my parents to being my own person helped me find myself and made me feel accomplished in life.

Meeting your husband: a good change. He changed your life in so many ways possible. You shared everything with him, made him a part of your everyday life, and you vowed to spend your lives together.

Divorcing your husband: a good change. He betrayed you, he makes you feel miserable, you are falling into a deep depression, beating yourself up over his terrible actions. Divorce can be a good change.

So many changes in life have their ups and downs. Every change is a little disturbing at first; we are not used to having our boats rocked. However, change becomes something we appreciate, otherwise we would be stuck in the same rut forever. Even though change can be something we later regret, we can always change our lives again to make ourselves happy. Change is good.

Of course, if you are considering R, that is a whole different ballpark, and we will be here to support you whichever path you follow. Both are changes, and both can be for the better.

Good luck :)

[This message edited by lilmonkey at 12:00 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

lovehatelove posted 2/21/2014 00:25 AM

Thank you all so much for your kind words... they mean a lot.. I've had really bad luck with IC.. all the counselors I've ever had have been terrible.. so I'm hesitant to try again.. I've dealt with anxiety and depression my whole life.... and this betrayal is just icing on the cake.......

4everfaithful83 - it hurts.. it hurts so bad.. never would I think it would hurt this much.. it is most definitely a rough road.. more so right now bc I don't have a job.. and our current situation is preventing me from getting one.. I don't have anything to keep me occupied during the day while our children are at school... I have no motivation to do anything..

my H is doing everything in his power to help me... to help us.. he tries to be there or me when I'm feeling down.. but most of the time, he's not able to make me feel any better..

he has become completely transparent.. he's open and honest with me.. he tells me everything now.. he's working so hard to keep me.. I just feel like it's a lil too late....... :(

Chrysalis123 - yes, I have found the healing library.. I haven't found anything in it that has been particularly helpful to me yet.. I have read a book about being in ambivalence.. it helped a lot.. but still didn't give me the words I was looking for...

norabird - I had an appointment to meet with a lawyer.. but they were a no show!! I wanted to find out what my options were.. but I was too irritated that he didn't show up to even try to reschedule....

brkn_heartd - he is very remorseful for what he has done.. he tells me with his words.. I know we all deal with situations differently, but he doesn't cry... like ever.. to me, when you cry, you are feeling sad and hurt and letting all your emotions out.. it's like a release... so since he doesn't cry, it makes me think he doesn't really give a shit (even tho he says he does...)

I know I am afraid of change.. I know I'm scared to think of what the single life may or may not bring me.. but I know I'm not happy.. and I can't count on the one person who has made my life miserable, to be the one to help me heal... just doesn't sound rational..........

What does IRL and STBX mean...? and is there a post that has the meaning of all these acronyms I don't know...?

devasted30 posted 2/21/2014 01:23 AM

IRL - in real life
STBX - soon to be ex
This infidelity is the worse thing that has ever happened to me. The worse. I would never wish this pain on anyone. Not even an enemy. It will take you years to heal. Whether you D or R. It's still quite new to you. I am 15 months out from DDay - 7 months out after TT'ing and there are lots of days where I just want to hide away and sob. Try IC again. Keep trying until you find one that fits you. See a lawyer and find out your options. Get your ducks in a row and you might find a solution to your healing while you are looking into your choices. Either way, only time will help you heal. That and more time.

lovehatelove posted 2/21/2014 01:54 AM

devastated30 - I definitely need to try counseling again.. I've always been against meds also... But maybe I should just give it a try, temporarily, to see how/if they work for me... Bc this shit is ridiculous :(

Sorry.. Another acronym I don't know... What's TTing..?

devasted30 posted 2/21/2014 18:55 PM

TT - Trickle truth. When they don't tell you everything at once.
My WS trickle truthed me for 7 months . I begged him for the truth but he couldn't/wouldn't tell it to me. Many reasons that they do that is they don't want to hurt us anymore. They are afraid if they lay anymore stuff on us, we'll kick them out, afraid we will yell and scream etc and on and on and on. It's a form of self protection but it destroys us way more than if they had laid it all out in the beginning.