We are here for you. The feelings you feel are normal. Please take good care of yourself, and seek IC... depression is a very easy path to go down when trauma like this occurs and it is admirable that you recognize yourself going through it and want to take action for it.
...something is preventing me from going through with it... I haven't quite figured out what it is yet.....
I obviously can't tell you what it is that's stopping you, but for most people, it is simple: change. Everyone is afraid of change, to detach from what they are most comfortable with and start fresh. I understand it is one of the most difficult things to do, to divorce your husband and change everything you have ever known.
However, I also want you to remember all the good things that change has most likely brought upon your life. Growing up, from being a teenager to an adult, from leaving high school to university: a good change. A scary one at that, but one that helped you define who you are and consolidate your real friends.
Becoming independent: another good change. I know that my transition from being dependent on my parents to being my own person helped me find myself and made me feel accomplished in life.
Meeting your husband: a good change. He changed your life in so many ways possible. You shared everything with him, made him a part of your everyday life, and you vowed to spend your lives together.
Divorcing your husband: a good change. He betrayed you, he makes you feel miserable, you are falling into a deep depression, beating yourself up over his terrible actions. Divorce can be a good change.
So many changes in life have their ups and downs. Every change is a little disturbing at first; we are not used to having our boats rocked. However, change becomes something we appreciate, otherwise we would be stuck in the same rut forever. Even though change can be something we later regret, we can always change our lives again to make ourselves happy. Change is good.
Of course, if you are considering R, that is a whole different ballpark, and we will be here to support you whichever path you follow. Both are changes, and both can be for the better.
Good luck :)
[This message edited by lilmonkey at 12:00 AM, February 21st (Friday)]