We tried MC for alil while.. but it wasn't what we needed.. it didn't do anything positive for me... I didn't care for the counselor anyway.. so we stopped going.. I don't wanna go back either.. I'd rather do IC.......
he told me over and over throughout our entire marriage that fidelity was very important to him and that I'd NEVER have to worry about him cheating on me....
wow... am I a fucking idiot....
I actually believed him..
I don't love him.. I hate him.. I want him to hurt.. I want him to suffer.. I don't trust him.. he lied to me so many times.. it hurts so bad...
Divorce is what I'm wanting to do.. but something is preventing me from going through with it... I haven't quite figured out what it is yet.....
Its a rough road, isn't it?
I'm about 8 months out from DDAY and I can say with certainty that its been the hardest 8 months of my life.
You are NOT an idiot. Please please please don't say that! My WBF said the exact same thing. When you love someone and you trust them, why would you not believe them when they say they would never cheat?
What is your WH doing to work on your relationship? You said MC didn't work, but is he taking all the other steps? If you didn't like the counselor that could be a HUGE deterrent right there, I'd say try to find one that you like.
I would say try out the IC for sure. Just being able to talk to someone else is a big help. It sounds like you have some deep issues to work through. You say you want Divorce but something is stopping you.
I think you owe it to yourself to be happy, no matter what.
Keep coming back to SI. This community is great, and everyone is here for you.
Together 10 years
1 doggie, 1 Cat
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...Working at it every day.
BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo
What is holding you back imho is most likely fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of being alone. Please get into IC! At the very least find a good friend IRL who you can talk to.
Think of it this way - it's a year into the shitstorm - you still feel horrible - you still have the WH inflicting pain. If you escape the M, you will be able to heal. imho if you feel that D is the way to go, then file. If H shows true remorse and does the real work of R, then you can either stop the proceedings or remarry.
I am so sorry your are hurting so much. I am so happy you found us. There are many wise and loving people here that will offer you support, and have walked in your shoes. Did you find the healing library?
Please post as much as you want.
I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Is your H helping you at all?
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
Happiness is possible but takes a lot of time and energy on both sides. What your message doesn't say, how remorseful is your husband? What is he doing to help you heal? If there is no remorse, you will not heal while staying in the relationship.
...something is preventing me from going through with it... I haven't quite figured out what it is yet.....
I obviously can't tell you what it is that's stopping you, but for most people, it is simple: change. Everyone is afraid of change, to detach from what they are most comfortable with and start fresh. I understand it is one of the most difficult things to do, to divorce your husband and change everything you have ever known.
However, I also want you to remember all the good things that change has most likely brought upon your life. Growing up, from being a teenager to an adult, from leaving high school to university: a good change. A scary one at that, but one that helped you define who you are and consolidate your real friends.
Becoming independent: another good change. I know that my transition from being dependent on my parents to being my own person helped me find myself and made me feel accomplished in life.
Meeting your husband: a good change. He changed your life in so many ways possible. You shared everything with him, made him a part of your everyday life, and you vowed to spend your lives together.
Divorcing your husband: a good change. He betrayed you, he makes you feel miserable, you are falling into a deep depression, beating yourself up over his terrible actions. Divorce can be a good change.
So many changes in life have their ups and downs. Every change is a little disturbing at first; we are not used to having our boats rocked. However, change becomes something we appreciate, otherwise we would be stuck in the same rut forever. Even though change can be something we later regret, we can always change our lives again to make ourselves happy. Change is good.
Of course, if you are considering R, that is a whole different ballpark, and we will be here to support you whichever path you follow. Both are changes, and both can be for the better.
Good luck :)
[This message edited by lilmonkey at 12:00 AM, February 21st (Friday)]
4everfaithful83 - it hurts.. it hurts so bad.. never would I think it would hurt this much.. it is most definitely a rough road.. more so right now bc I don't have a job.. and our current situation is preventing me from getting one.. I don't have anything to keep me occupied during the day while our children are at school... I have no motivation to do anything..
my H is doing everything in his power to help me... to help us.. he tries to be there or me when I'm feeling down.. but most of the time, he's not able to make me feel any better..
he has become completely transparent.. he's open and honest with me.. he tells me everything now.. he's working so hard to keep me.. I just feel like it's a lil too late....... :(
Chrysalis123 - yes, I have found the healing library.. I haven't found anything in it that has been particularly helpful to me yet.. I have read a book about being in ambivalence.. it helped a lot.. but still didn't give me the words I was looking for...
norabird - I had an appointment to meet with a lawyer.. but they were a no show!! I wanted to find out what my options were.. but I was too irritated that he didn't show up to even try to reschedule....
brkn_heartd - he is very remorseful for what he has done.. he tells me with his words.. I know we all deal with situations differently, but he doesn't cry... like ever.. to me, when you cry, you are feeling sad and hurt and letting all your emotions out.. it's like a release... so since he doesn't cry, it makes me think he doesn't really give a shit (even tho he says he does...)
I know I am afraid of change.. I know I'm scared to think of what the single life may or may not bring me.. but I know I'm not happy.. and I can't count on the one person who has made my life miserable, to be the one to help me heal... just doesn't sound rational..........
What does IRL and STBX mean...? and is there a post that has the meaning of all these acronyms I don't know...?
Sorry.. Another acronym I don't know... What's TTing..?