SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Aceofbase posted 2/20/2014 08:40 AM

I checked the internet history this morning and I found out that my WW did a facebook search for the OM. As far as I know this was only an EA. When I got to work I found that she received and replied to a few texts last night before the search. The messages were initiated from the other number and end with a reply from the OM. WW and the OM EA ended about 20 days before DD.

I also know that a few text messages were exchanged between them about 15 days ago but no further contact.

Unfortunately I did not find this site until recently. So the NC rules were never established.

What should I do?

rachelc posted 2/20/2014 08:43 AM

Every single person on here who has found out about continued contact and not done much about it has regretted it.

I'd tell her you know and then kick her out. And have HER figure out a way to win you back. Meanwhile, work on being ok with yourself. This kind of continued lying just kills a marriage and hurts so badly. Take care of yourself!

Kelany posted 2/20/2014 08:44 AM

If they are still in contact, the affair is ongoing. You are not in R.

NC must be established, firm. A NC letter. Tell the OMs BS.

Your wife is not ready for R.

Aceofbase posted 2/20/2014 09:18 AM

There was no contact just a search for his name and looking at his facebook profile. Could this be grief over the lost EA?

I should also say that I do not know whose number the text was from. I will research that. But as far as I know this number has never texted her phone.

[This message edited by Aceofbase at 9:20 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]

rachelc posted 2/20/2014 09:23 AM

no contact just a search for his name and looking at his facebook profile

Ace: that's contact. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

william posted 2/20/2014 09:28 AM

im still struggling with the recent fall out of finding out my wifes affairs.

we have NC established with everyone involved directly and indirectly. i have made clear what happens if she violates this NC even in the most cursory of ways - its a deal breaker; i leave and file for D.

your situation is more complicated because you never put a NC into effect. but i tend to agree with the others who posted above. almost every time ive second guessed the forum's advice - well, they proved to be right and i was wrong.

one of the hardest things i had to accept is that 40k members is a large sample pool. i thought my case was different, had special circumstances, etc. it doesnt. there are 100s if not 1000s startling similar. its all been seen and done before. the experienced members of this forum have seen the same thing day after day after day. after awhile you can begin to recognize certain things. trust them. they know what they are talking about!

sisoon posted 2/20/2014 09:49 AM

The texts are redder flags than the search, IMO, but the search alone is red enough to take action. A secret texting buddy has no place in an M.

If you haven't already, read in the Healing Library, esp. BS FAQs. Check JFO for threads like 'Before you reconcile', info on the 180, setting boundaries - threads IDed by the 'target' icon. Figure out your requirements for R - the minimum should be NC, IC for her, transparency, honesty.

Then talk with your W and give her options - either meet your requirements or leave. You're not forcing er to do anything but make a choice - she's free to choose either option.

If she has to see om at work, she needs a new job, but business contact until she leaves could be OK.

It doesn't matter how long ago D-Day was. Then you didn't know what you needed. Now you do, so now's the time to ask for what you want. You have every right to change your mind.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:50 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]

Aceofbase posted 2/20/2014 10:25 AM

Thank you. I needed the courage and understanding why to address this issue.

Aceofbase posted 2/20/2014 12:39 PM

Update: The text messages were to a friend of my sons. I fact it was my son his phone was dead.
So that only leaves the Facebook search "Trolling" on former OM.

Through your strength I asked my wife to consider counseling. It is free through my work or EAP plan.

LosferWords posted 2/20/2014 13:25 PM

Ace - I found myself in a very similar situation about 8 or 9 months into R with my wife. That is when I learned about the loose term "Mental NC", or "Mental No Contact".

We had mutually agreed to block the OM, along with his friends and family. At one point, I found out that my wife had unblocked him, and was looking at his pictures on facebook.

I was floored. When I initially confronted her, she was reluctantly remorseful, but then when I gradually became more and more upset, her defenses went up, and she basically had the attitude of "I'll do what I want." Her argument was that she wasn't contacting him directly in any way, so NC wasn't violated, in her opinion. Plus, she's an adult, and she can look at whatever she wants to on the computer.

Once again, I was floored, and at a loss for what to do next. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this did break NC. By looking him up on the computer, she was essentially bringing pictures and life updates by him into our home, into her head, and into our relationship. It may as well have been like her holding on to a living and breathing scrapbook of OM, that was automatically updated a couple of times a week.

I addressed this with my therapist, and what she said was almost identical to what sisoon said here:

Then talk with your W and give her options - either meet your requirements or leave. You're not forcing er to do anything but make a choice - she's free to choose either option.

Additionally, my IC brought this up with my wife's IC (both of our IC's were colleagues, and we had signed off to allow them to exchange information). My wife's IC brought it up with my wife in her next therapy session as well.

So between me standing firmly on the ground with my requirements in place, and her IC being able to reason with her, we got past this huge stumbling block in R that came close to ending it all. To this day it is a trigger for my wife, where if something funky pops up on her computer, whether it is a spam advertisement, or a weird junk email, she shows me right away, just to ensure that I know she's not going out and looking at anything OM related, or that there is any form of contact, mental or otherwise.

Sorry for the length of the reply. I related so much to your story here, and I wanted to let you know that this is something that can be overcome by the advice that has been given here to you by the others as well.

Best of luck to you. Stand strong! We are here for you.

Aceofbase posted 2/20/2014 14:21 PM

wow! What a vivid picture you painted. I never that about it that way. I was just happy that she wasn't texting him anymore.

Thank You

[This message edited by Aceofbase at 2:22 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

IamDyingInside posted 2/20/2014 14:22 PM

AceofBase, do not let.her know how you discovered the search, she may then start searching incognito and then you will never know if she is searching him or not. I made this mistake. Never give up your resources!

Aceofbase posted 2/20/2014 22:56 PM

If I don't revival the source how do I start the conversation that it is inappropriate to search for OM on the internet?

LosferWords posted 2/21/2014 09:38 AM

If I don't revival the source how do I start the conversation that it is inappropriate to search for OM on the internet?

Just use caution, would be my advice. Once you reveal your source of information, if there is any chance that your spouse may still be involved in an affair, they will cut that resource off and take it even further underground.

Ultimately, I had to reveal some of my resources in order to confront my wife with hard evidence.

Just know that once you play that card of revealing a resource, that card cannot be unplayed.

Aceofbase posted 2/21/2014 10:21 AM

In an another post I noted that I have manned up. I told her what things she needs to do in order for us to go forward. She wasn't to happy about it saying that if we keep talking about this that we are done. I think she is just trying to sweep everything under the rug. Sweeping everything under the rug is what got us to this point. We were not communicating when our feelings were hurt and then harboring those feelings.

Wow what a weight off my shoulders. All thanks to this board and its wonderful insight.

RealityStinks posted 2/21/2014 10:30 AM

@Aceofbase -

There was no contact just a search for his name and looking at his facebook profile. Could this be grief over the lost EA?

^^^^ I thought the EXACT same thing when I caught my WW searching for the OM and his GF on FB. She would search for them both multiple times a day just after D-day. This went on for a week or so until I confronted her about it. More lies and she locked me out of her FB.

Fast forward a few months, she was going to his house multiple times a week and still communicating with him in ways I could not track. There was a hotel visit thrown in, and I caught them together a few weeks ago at the house she's been living at. I can't find a record of contact anywhere, but obviously they were still in contact.

2X10 (it requires more than a 2X4 because you're in denial about it)here: THE AFFAIR IS NOT OVER YET!!!!!!!!! I'd guarantee it.

She's needs to cut him out of her life entirely. And, yes, FB is a part of her life. If she won't do this, then you're posting in the wrong forum man.

Hang in there.

Aceofbase posted 2/22/2014 07:40 AM

Thank you to all. I am starting to get more answers with a little push back, but I am getting answers.