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When does the battle inside end?

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Dragonfly711 posted 2/20/2014 09:03 AM

At some point in my day, WH & the stupid bs creeps into my head & BAM! The love-hate battle is on! I've been working hard on acceptance, allowing myself to feel & know it's ok to feel(?), whatever it is, to finally releasing it........I'm so weary of it all! Damn him for waiting so long to tell me what I already efn knew!!!!!! I hate him for every lie he said to my face! For every deceitful occasion, every encouraging word so I'd move on, for every time he faked remorse & causing my compassion to come out! I hate him for every time he said ( I love you) knowing he told OW the same shit & screwing her! I hate him for doing a 180 from being a good man of high moral character to a lying cheating deceiving piece of trash like the one he cheated with! I hate him for coming clean 11 months after the fact! Affair ended for good ( supposedly) a month earlier. All he did was refresh the agony of knowing he lied. It put all his behaviors & lies fall into place , including every one I called him out on! For 24 years he was openly blunt & never lied ! He's a bad liar at that & still is! I don't like feeling hate! This is a rage hate I've never experienced before & so intense I quake from the inside out! I can't stand this !
I get manic! The side effects bite! Went to Dr. when it all began I though she was going to commit me! Lol!
How can you accuse your spouse of having an affair over 25 yrs. then turn around & do the very thing you loathed others to do? How do you look your spouse in the face & say you realize you still love them only to run to her bar to see her hours later & come home at noon the next day? That's not love in my book!!!!!
I know when this episode passes I'll know the battle is from the 22 good years of loving to 2 years of turmoil while I cared for dying parent to 3 months before 2013 he says he no longer loves me. I received pure resentment from that point on.
There's no love in him for me . His anger consumed it & he resents me for it ! I struggle to find a way to help him find the love again & only get torn down for any & everything . His affair destroyed the woman I once was.

dmari posted 2/20/2014 10:46 AM

First, I want to send you a bunch of hugs for having to live through all this mind fuckery. (((((Dragonfly711))))) The battle inside doesn't end but it does soften over time. Time time time. Everyone hates that word but it is true. Continue to process all these shitty feelings. Talk about it here, in IC (are you in IC?), IRL friends and family.

I struggle to find a way to help him find the love again & only get torn down for any & everything .
Focus on finding the love for YOU. He is a grown as man and shouldn't depend on YOU to help him find the love again. Focus on healing YOU and rebuilding YOUR life. His affair may have destroyed the woman you once were but from these ashes, you will rise and evolve to an even more amazing YOU.

norabird posted 2/20/2014 11:09 AM

I'm so sorry. Are you still together? I think since he is not showing you any love, you have to leave/end the M before your extreme emotions (the 'rollercoaster') will improve. But once you accept he CAN'T be helped back to your love and get clarity it really will get better, even though it is hard to accept the loss while wishing it were different.

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