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Should I write a letter to my former friend OW

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Breezy150 posted 2/20/2014 10:04 AM

My WH is apparently coming out of the fog I really believed he wasn't in. He is a much better actor than I ever gave him credit for. Everyday now he is "remembering" something he had neglected to tell me about the A. I know I need to know these things but being slapped in the face every single day with new details hurts everyday. I am mad because it seems like he is just spewing out stuff to unburden himself and then runs off to work while I try to process that days revelations. I do not think there can be much more though.
Here is the real question I am now at a time that I want some closure with the OW because she was my friend, my husband is also wanting to write a NC letter (I didn't even think NC was an issue) because they have been talking since DDay. He says just casual conversation but he sees now that he was really keeping her on the line in case I left him. How would it be best to have my closure with her? Write a letter and put it in with his? Wait until I see her because that will happen.
One more thing is the only phone number I have ever had is hers but I know I need to tell her BH about the continued contact, we were all friends and my heart breaks for him too. Their Facebook is also joint, I have tried to contact him on there, but I am sure she got it and deleted it.

tushnurse posted 2/20/2014 10:59 AM

I would say that you absolutely need to set up and maintain NC with her.
I would make sure that you do inform her spouse.

Lastly, if you feel the need to cathartically write to her, do it, but also know that a foggy wayward will only hear blah blah blah when you give it to her.

As far as your H defogging and dropping daily bombs on you, that is not good, and probably detrimental to your healing. You need to sit him down, and tell him that he has x number of days, and I would make it short, like less than 3, and tell him that he needs to think of anything else he has to share, and set up a time where he can share it all, and then be done with it.

Then you can start to focus on really healing, but each new thing is like tearing the scab off a sore, and jamming a fork in it. Not helpful.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 2/20/2014 11:06 AM

I agree with Tushnurse- set up NC and inform her spouse but do so in an almost business like manner. Try not to give her the "satisfaction" of you're thoughts and feelings. What outcome do you want? An apology? It probably won't happen and in my experiance even if you get it, it won't make a difference.

The OW in my situation was also a "friend" and she sent me an apology. It was hollow and meaningless. I never responed. I've probably written 100 responses, but none of them are worth letting her back into my life for.

yearsofpain25 posted 2/20/2014 11:25 AM

Lastly, if you feel the need to cathartically write to her, do it, but also know that a foggy wayward will only hear blah blah blah when you give it to her.

I concur. NC definitely for your H. But for you not sure what good is going to come of writing a letter for yourself. If it's cathartic for you in a way, write it and never send it. Or post it here for others to see so you hear their feedback. I think the best approach for the OW or OM is for them to be dead to you. She obviously didn't have any respect for your friendship before so why give her any sort of written ammo for her to hold on to for whatever reason. Best to have them be dead to you.

Just my .02

ETA - grammar/spelling corrections above.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 11:27 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]

yearsofpain25 posted 2/20/2014 11:25 AM

double post

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 11:25 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]

BAB61 posted 2/20/2014 11:32 AM

Crickets to the OW - she KNOWS she betrayed your friendship - she doesn't care. Please contact her BH and inform him. He needs to know. Then NC them, have WH NC them. If you see her out and about - CRICKETS! Ignore and shun.

TushNurse has it correct imho:

As far as your H defogging and dropping daily bombs on you, that is not good, and probably detrimental to your healing. You need to sit him down, and tell him that he has x number of days, and I would make it short, like less than 3, and tell him that he needs to think of anything else he has to share, and set up a time where he can share it all, and then be done with it.

StillLivin posted 2/20/2014 11:41 AM

Normally I recommend crickets to the OW. However, this was a double betrayal. If you really need the closure, then a email/letter would be best. I don't know you, but if my best friend (who almost did betray me BTW) betrayed me and I saw her, I would NOT be able to stop myself. I would kick her ass up and down the block and use her to mop the F....ing floor.
No trashy OW is worth going to jail over.
Besides, she will likely keep the email/letter and read it over and over. Like others have said, she is too deep in denial right now, but one day she may come out of her entitled fog.
You deserve the closure. Take the high road with the email/letter, though! Don't put anything in writing that she can use against you in court later.

Breezy150 posted 2/20/2014 11:47 AM

Thank you so much for the responses. He volunteered this morning to think about everything today and lay everything out tonight. He was the one that brought up the NC letter, I am glad about that.
I thought maybe writing to her would be cathartic for me, I could care less what that whore thinks. So after reading your very sound advice I started thinking about a very bad trauma I went through 16 years ago. There was no way to confront the perpetrators so I wrote a letter to them and burned it, that helped a lot. The next year I still felt like I had feelings I needed to release so a friend that was also victimized and I bought helium balloons and wrote stuff all over them that we would say if we ever had been given the chance, and then just released them into the air, the hate, the anger, the absolute outrage just floated off into the sky and out of our minds. It was 8 years after the crime but it worked. The other friend of mine that was also a victim of the crime chose not to do it, and I watched her struggle for many more years than we did.
So long story short that is what you reminded me of and how I don't need closure with her, but just closure for myself.
Thank you

overandone posted 2/20/2014 11:48 AM

What would you say if you wrote to OW? I did write to H's OW (and really let rip...), but only in reply to her pathetic attempt at an apology (never meant for it to happen, blah blah blah-insulting to my intelligence)she sent me-trying to cover her back and stop further consequences for her. Didn't work but that's another story. If you're hoping to get her sympathy, unfortunately you'll end up disappointed. If she had any sympathy she wouldn't have been your H's OW in the first place. The only closure you need is for you and your H to have absolutely no contact in any form, after he sends her a NC letter.

I'm glad your H wants to send a NC letter, but make sure he's not just saying he wants to to please you. If he wants to do that, why on earth is he still talking to her now? All seems a bit odd to me, especially him admitting to keeping her in reserve in case things in his M didn't work out. Be vigilant!

If you possibly can, see her BH in person, that way you know the message has got through and it will give him a chance to ask you any questions, maybe compare notes to make sure you both have the truth. And don't tell your WH in advance that you're going to see him or he'll concoct some story with OW to minimise damage. Especially true in your case if your H is TTing.

Gemini71 posted 2/20/2014 12:21 PM

I got together with the OW/XBFF in my case at a restaurant where we could sit and talk. Everyone told me not to do it. I did anyway, and I'm glad I did. It gave me closure, and more information on the A. I knew just by the look on her face when I said STBXH said he always used protection that they did not. It still took some digging and cell phone records to put a more complete picture of the timeline together. They were both very vague on details.

I didn't and don't have the other BH's phone or email. OW/XBFF said that he had been told of the A, and I believe her because they were in an 'open marriage'. But I still regret not talking directly to him. If you can, I would recommend talking to him.

The trauma of a double betrayal is unique, because you're dealing with two separate but intertwined betrayals. I felt like I had to choose which relationship I'd try to save. I just didn't have any energy to waste on OW/XBFF post D-Day. Once we had talked, it was NC from both of us from then on. She's tried to contact me a few times since then (her mom has been diagnosed with cancer), but I haven't responded. She burned that bridge and ended a 30+ year friendship.

Since then, I've also realized that the A was a deal breaker for me with STBXH as well. This whole situation sucks. So do what is best for YOU! Save yourself first. Then save your marriage if that's possible.

((Breezy150))

Breezy150 posted 2/20/2014 13:00 PM

I have already gotten the token apology from her when I first confronted her. Same bullshit, we didn't mean for this to happen, we are so sorry. I never meant to hurt you, it was like word vomit. I was just thinking about writing to her to let her know how their actions affected my family, basically I wanted to hand her shit back to her so she could own it or not but it's hers.

I recently went to a parole hearing for a man that almost beat my son to death, I completely expected him to be granted parol, saw no reason at all that he wouldn't. People asked why are you spending hundreds of dollars to go if you know it won't make a difference? My answer was because neither my son or I had ever spoken in court, he never had to hear the voice of the victim, I see it as wrapping up all the shit we have been carrying wrapping it in a box and giving it back to him, where it belongs. I was determined that he was not going to get out of prison without hearing the voice of his victim, it didn't matter to me if he owned his shit or not, just that I wasn't going to carry it around anymore. I wanted my son and I to be free if it. The best part is the victims coordinator at the prison told me that my speech was so good, well researched, and not built on emotion that I was the reason he was not granted parole.

I don't want an emotional outpouring she doesn't deserve that, I basically want to hand her shit back to her so I don't have to carry it. Now I see that there are many ways to do it though, not sure what I will do.

[This message edited by Breezy150 at 1:02 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

solus sto posted 2/20/2014 13:19 PM

Sadly, you will have to find peace within yourself, because closure is really a myth.

Your husband needs to send a bare bones NC letter (no apologies, no anything except "never contact us again"). In your shoes I would not contact because, well, it will give her another opportunity to hurt you--and she will. You will not gain the closure you want.

undonelife posted 2/20/2014 14:14 PM

Do you know where he works? Can you catch him after work, call him at his work, or mail a letter there to his workplace? Do you know their home phone and know a time when she would be gone so you could try to contact him? If you do write the OW, just something simple as to I do not want to see, talk or communicate with you in any way in the future. Then stick it in with the WH's letter. No emotions.

bionicgal posted 2/20/2014 14:18 PM

The OW in my situation was also a "friend" and she sent me an apology. It was hollow and meaningless. I never responed. I've probably written 100 responses, but none of them are worth letting her back into my life for.

Are all OW actually related somehow?

Same here - I call it the Muzak of apologies -- light and airy like cotton candy. And her brain, apparently. So, it wasn't so fulfilling, but I did get to speak my peace (luckily for her, that was before the rage set in, but I still stand by what I wrote. It showed far more grace that I currently feel on a daily basis.)

And yes, NC letter -- from him.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:18 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

tushnurse posted 2/20/2014 14:31 PM

I wrote OW multiple letters, and never gave her the satisfaction of reading any of them. I found it cathartic to write, and I also found burning them cathartic. I burned a lot of stuff post dday. Stuff she gave him, stuff that reminded me of their A, letters to her, letters to him....on and on.

I just would have liked to have sent the last one that said, HA HA I am healed, and I am happy, and MY H not only chose me, but treats me with love respect and honor, and makes a point everyday to show me that. You loose. NA NA NA NA boo boo.

That one I hung on to for while. eventually it too went in the trash. Remember the best revenge is a life well lived.

Breezy150 posted 2/20/2014 19:01 PM

Thank you all for you replies. They have all given me something to think about.

refuz2bavictim posted 2/21/2014 02:05 AM

I don't see this as the run of the mill, I want to tell the OW off and make her understand.


I don't want an emotional outpouring she doesn't deserve that, I basically want to hand her shit back to her so I don't have to carry it
.

I believe that doing this type of release can be quite empowering

I wanted my son and I to be free if it. .......
hearing the voice of his victim, it didn't matter to me if he owned his shit or not, just that I wasn't going to carry it around anymore.

I am glad you and your son took that opportunity to set yourselves free.


I believe you have a unique understanding of what it is you intend to accomplish. I also think you understand that "closure" is something you do for yourself. Normally I would echo the others on not sending, because most people are looking for a specific outcome, and end up getting injured, when that outcome does not manifest.

I think you have created a method to facilitate that, based on your other life experience. You seem to be quite detached from any kind of outcome and have no expectations of the OW/Friend.

This situation is different in that, your contact with OW may encourage her to respond or to try to have the last word. I suggest you put a plan in place, that will keep you from reading anything she sends.

What you don't want to do is get into a dialogue.


If you receive any responses I would destroy them (or have a trusted friend destroy them) without reading.
You don't want to leave any avenues open, for her to create any new injuries.

That will defeat the purpose.

I think you have a good sense of what you need to do for yourself. I think you can continue to trust your instincts in this situation, just as you did with the other.

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