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Firsts since separation/divorce

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lefther posted 2/20/2014 10:05 AM

So last week was my first Valentine's alone since being separated in Dec. Today is my birthday, and in one week it would have been our 7th Wedding anniversary. How does everyone deal with these days that used to be so happy? My family and friends are there for me and cheering me up, but I just feel sad and lonely.

littlefoggy posted 2/20/2014 10:18 AM

Happy Birthday!

I just try to distract myself the whole day. Keep myself busy and try not to think about it. Do you have any fun projects you have been putting off?

norabird posted 2/20/2014 10:30 AM

Happy birthday!!!

It's no fun when all these dates pile up at once. Glad your friends and family are there to comfort you, though I know it does not erase the sadness it can lighten the load. But look at it this way--they are another milestone crossed and hence another step forward. never again will you have to deal with the 1st Vday, bday, etc. alone.

nowiknow23 posted 2/20/2014 10:37 AM

Happy Birthday, lefther.

I think it helped me to step outside of my own head on those days and reframe the day.

On my first birthday after dday, I made a point of reaching out to my parents to thank them for everything they've done for me.

Next Valentine's Day, you could focus on showing love to your friends and family through acts of service, or bringing a little love to people who are alone (house bound, in a hospital or a nursing home, etc.).

Of course, it's ok if those days are just too triggery and hard to reframe. It's ok to retreat and focus on self-care when it gets hard. ((((lefther))))

lefther posted 2/20/2014 10:43 AM

The only fun project I really have is learning to play the guitar. I've dabbled with it the last week, but I will put some more time into it.
I like that norabird. No more firsts. :)
I also like the idea of helping others, that would be fun and nice for them too.

still2suspicious posted 2/20/2014 13:05 PM

Happy Birthday, lefther.

Just keep marking off those "firsts" and be proud of yourself of getting thru them.

cvs2kkids posted 2/20/2014 13:36 PM

How about starting new traditions that you can carry on for years in the future> Even when you have a SO.

Take a friend/sibling and go to dinner and a sporting event.

Take a close road trip

Go to Vegas!!

I would resist those days alone, but by planning events, you don't feel like a tag-along

MadeOfScars posted 2/20/2014 14:21 PM

Happy Birthday lefther!

I am right there with you in going through the "firsts." V-day wrecked me. Her birthday was this past Monday, and you know what I did? I went out with some co-workers after work and had a great time! Still not sure what to do for what would be our 9th anniversary in March, but I'll damn sure figure something out that doesn't involve moping around my empty house. Will I be sad? Damn right I will be, but I'll get through it, and so will you.

It's natural to feel sadness and grief for all these firsts. As has been mentioned, once you cross them off, they're done. Soon all the firsts are over with, and you can focus on creating new firsts for you.

Hang in there. We are all here for you when it gets to be too much. You will get through this.

Leia posted 2/20/2014 14:57 PM

I found out Jan 27th that he cheated, our 14th anniversary was the 29th, and my birthday was the 3rd. It just sucks. I laid on my bedroom floor and cried, mostly, and felt better after doing it. On Valentine's, I made a steak dinner for me and the kids with the good steak that I had hid in the back of the freezer. That made me feel better. I was prepared for my STBX mom-in-law's annual anniversary phone call. So, when she said "Happy Anniversary!" I shouted back "Are you F*ing kidding me?!?" Honestly, that was the best sliver lining in this whole sucky situation.

lefther posted 2/20/2014 14:59 PM

Thanks all, I really appreciate the advice and kind words. I'm doing dinner with my close family after class tonight. I think beer and bowling with family and friends will be my new tradition.

Sad in AZ posted 2/20/2014 16:03 PM

On what would have been my 34th anniversary (the first occasion after my D), I went to Las Vegas with some SI friends. It was wonderful

justjim posted 2/20/2014 18:09 PM

There is a little wooded area next to the house with pathways through the ivy and lamposts scattered throughout. A prayer bench, and another area for grilling and eating outside. We used it a lot. It was a special place for us, I thought.

I am sitting here as I type this, grilling and eating out here alone for the first time. It sucks, but it has to be done.

Next time will be better.

yestopants posted 2/20/2014 18:24 PM

The firsts suck. I've had first christmas, new years, my b-day, v-day, 14 years together, and my DS birthday. All I have left is our wedding anniversary and my DD birthday! By summer I'm done firsts. I might do something special for that a new day to celebrate.

Happy Birthday!
sending you love and strength. This road isn't easy or short but I think if we can make it through it will be brighter.

lefther posted 2/21/2014 16:11 PM

It was mostly a happy birthday, except for my STBXW texted my mom saying she was keeping our dog until the paperwork was signed (she is the one that has to sign stuff still). I'm assuming she is using the dog as a pawn to get what she wants. Other than her pathetic ploy to ruin my b-day, it was good, and more plans are made for the weekend. Thanks everyone!

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