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Need help with a response to my npd idot stbxwh

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GingerAle posted 2/20/2014 10:10 AM

For most things my STBXWH says to me, I respond with crickets. Well, trying to and getting better at it everyday. But something he likes to say in front of our kids is how he makes the money, he's the reason we have everything from vehicles to food, he's the reason I have anything at all, etc, etc. You get the idea. I am a SAHM, and it hurts to be devalued like that in front of my kids. And I know it hurts their feelings on my behalf. He uses many of the tactics Nekorb's WH is using, telling me how it's going to go and what I need to do. He knows he has lost control and is spiraling big time. He told me there is no way he will let me get a divorce until I prove to him that I can be responsible! Anyhow, I don't care about that, I know better. But the money thing bothers me.

My kids are 13 and 15 and I am going to tell them more about what's going on. Obviously they know things are not normal around here, but they need honest explanations.

When he brings that up about money, do you guys have a good response I could repeat to him or should I just not respond. I think crickets on this one just fuels him. I don't know. I think it would be better if I had a patented response (?)

Nature_Girl posted 2/20/2014 10:14 AM

Don't bring it up with him. Bring it up later with the kids. Ask them what they think about comments like that, and if they have any questions or wish to understand, share with them the financial realities. You are under no obligation to let lies stand as truth. You do not need to prop up his lies & slander. You are not badmouthing him or engaging in alienation if you speak the truth.

GingerAle posted 2/20/2014 10:22 AM

Thanks NG. You are so right I definitely won't bring it up with him. But if he says it in front of them again, I wonder if there's an appropriate response?

Nature_Girl posted 2/20/2014 10:27 AM

Well, one of the many times my ex was yelling at me in front of the children I quietly told him that it was inappropriate to speak to me that way in front of the children. Then I walked away.

Later I asked the kids what they thought about the incident. I do NOT let incidents go by without talking about them with the kids.

gonnabe2016 posted 2/20/2014 10:33 AM

Unfortunately, I don't think there is a good verbal response for this. You have to just ignore it.
I deal with this shit from stbx, too. He quite obviously has zero respect for my contribution to the family and nothing I say is going to change that -- he's too busy being all *full of himself*.

Just try to make sure that your kids know that relationships aren't strictly based on money and that being a wage-earner doesn't make anyone *better* than anyone else. Everyone contributes and is needed in their own special way.

Dreamboat posted 2/20/2014 10:42 AM

I wonder if there's an appropriate response?

Rolling your eyes and saying "Whatevs"

Showing that you don't care what he says and will no longer prop up his stupid comments in front of the kids will infuriate him. But what is he supposed to do about it? If he berates you it just makes him look worse in the kids eyes, so even if he does berate you, smile knowingly and say "I am sorry you feel that way."

Sometimes letting him dig his own hole is the best way to deal with idiots.

sparkysable posted 2/20/2014 10:47 AM

It's not nice to hold things over other people's heads and harrass them about it.

This is the only card he's got in his whole hand, and he's throwing it down and looking all proud like he just won this hand. Only this one card doesn't win the game like he thinks it does. Even your kids are going to look at that one card and be like ""

HurtsButImOK posted 2/20/2014 15:52 PM

He told me there is no way he will let me get a divorce until I prove to him that I can be responsible

Sorry GA, I don't have suggestions for a response to kids but that ^^^ made me laugh.

Response to that should be 'there is no way I'm staying married to someone who has proven they won't be responsible for upholding their vows'.

He is such a dick and his delusion knows no bounds

homewrecked2011 posted 2/20/2014 17:08 PM

How much longer on the inhouse separation? This has got to be HARD.

I just got into it with my XH -- same sort of stuff.

XWH was going on and on about how he was going to take me in for contempt of court because I got behind on the house payments. yeah, right, he FORGOT he was 2 days late with child support and the check bounced. DUMBASS

I like this from sparkysable:

This is the only card he's got in his whole hand, and he's throwing it down and looking all proud like he just won this hand.

Yep, if this is all they "have" on us, we are better than alot of people out there!!!I'll remember this.

Your kids are going to be hearing more of the crap from WH when the divorce is final and you won't be there to defend yourself. Is there anyway you can get your sons into counseling now or when XWH moves out? We went a few times and it seemed to helped my sons know whom to believe.


homewrecked2011 posted 2/20/2014 17:12 PM

Also, what you were saying about telling them more, that's where our counselor helped. She matter of factly told them what happened and that it was something I was not going to live with.

We went to the domestic violence center for $1.00 a visit counseling because I found out emotional abuse (what he is doing btw) IS domestic violence.

You'll probably be like me and feel so free when he's gone!

GingerAle posted 2/20/2014 17:43 PM

Thank you so much everyone. Your advice and support means the world to me. You guys always help me get a clear perspective on things.

homewrecked- I just got done looking for info on domestic abuse resources in my area. He is without a doubt, verbally and emotionally abusive. Always has been. Today he took my vehicle, left me with his which is on completel empty! I have no money. He got paid today and didn't put any in my account. So here I sit all day. Had to cancel plans I had. Can't go get stuff to make dinner. That is abusive. And it's all because I wouldn't make chit chat with him last night. He is punishing me for not have a conversation with him that wasn't about finance or kids. He will be home soon. My stomach is in knots.

Found out I qualify for legal representation at a reduced fee. Left a message for the attorney to call me. What do I do in the meantime? I can't believe this is my life.

[This message edited by GingerAle at 5:43 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

Gemini71 posted 2/20/2014 19:57 PM

Oy. I love how people think SAHMs do nothing all day. Forbes estimates the value of a SAHM's work to be $115,000 a year. Other sources say $85,000 a year. Either way, it's more than my STBXH makes. A quick google search can give you supporting facts.

Your kids are older and can definitely understand that while you don't work outside the home, you still work for the benefit of the family.

If you haven't 180'd his ass while in 'In House Separation', you should start invoicing him for your services. So much for meal prep, housekeeping, childcare/transportation, etc.

ruinedandbroken posted 2/20/2014 20:04 PM

What a DICK.

I don't think I'd say anything. I wouldn't want him to know he was getting to me. However, I would talk to the kids though and tell them the truth.

Lotusborn posted 2/20/2014 20:43 PM

It may be a time consuming exercise but it will make you feel better by placing a $ amount on your time and show him the value of your knowledge, skills and abilities in the marriage.

Spend some time creating an invoice for "services rendered" over the course of your marriage.

Itemize everything you can think of and go online to find an average salary or per hour charges for those services. Total the costs and reduce the amount by say 20% for a "family discount".

If you've considered everything (chauffer, childcare provider , personal shopper, housekeeper, chef, tax accountant, etc.) you should end up with a yearly figure (probably a six figure) salary for the services you've provided throughout your marriage.

At this point compare what his salary has been and what you rightfully should have been paid for your services.

Then, the next time he starts to say that you wouldn't have anything without him, dare him to have found your services for less and tell him that if it hadn't been for you he wouldn't have been able to afford to live the life he's had.

Then, turn your back on him and walk away with your head held high because you have not only provided honest value for your services but you have shown integrity and haven't cheated anyone in giving that service.

And finally, silently say "bite me asshole".

[This message edited by Lotusborn at 8:48 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

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