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Tmi - Don't want to offend, but need help with this

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sohurtbyhim posted 2/20/2014 10:27 AM

Hi, For three years now, I have kept something my WH did to myself and have not told anyone. It still hurts me that my husband would do something like this to me, but he did.

I don't want to get really graphic, but husband MB into something I ate without my knowledge. I don't know if it was one time or frequently. I don't want to know, knowing he did it once is more than enough for me. He can't give me a reason why, except that maybe he was mad at me. He can't tell me when it was (before the affair started or after), but based on other things he's said about the incident, I think it was probably before the affair. (Or at least before the time HE said it started - his GF said it was a lot longer)

Things like this scare me for our future. How could he have been so mad at me to have done something like this and then later tell me about it as if it's no big deal? I feel so violated. WH was into porn. Does viewing porn desensitize people and they begin to think that porn sex is the norm? If he was that mad at me, how could he have been acting as if nothing was wrong? He is not getting any professional help, but has seemed to stopped the porn. He has stopped other addictions cold turkey, so I know he is capable of it. The man he is showing himself to me now is very loving, caring, and remorseful, but until the affair started, I never knew that he treated me badly before. It's scary to think that not only did he feel justified in cheating, but he treated me like garbage behind my back while pretending like nothing was wrong.

I'm sorry if this is really disgusting, but I've kept this to myself for so long and am just wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar and were they able to get through it. And if so, how they did it.

sinsof thefather posted 2/20/2014 10:32 AM

I don't want to get really graphic, but husband MB into something I ate without my knowledge.
What is MB? Is it something like Viagra for women? Or is it some kind of poison? Whatever it is sohurtbyhim, it actually frightens me that he could put anything into your food without your knowledge. How can you ever be sure he won't do it again?!!

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 10:33 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]

SoVerySadNow posted 2/20/2014 10:37 AM

This sounds very juvenile. I'd perhaps (but it's still extremely off!) expect it of some high school restaurant worker who was angry or something.
Hopefully he will be seeing an IC about this. But I've never heard about it in the sense you talk about. Maybe no one has admitted it?
It does sound like he was degrading you to inflate himself. Certainly very disrespectful. And it would be confusing to see the man you are seeing now versus the man you now know he was behind your back.
ETA: I'm assuming you mean masturbated .

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 10:40 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]

fooledbyapilot posted 2/20/2014 10:37 AM

I think MB means masturbate. This is completely disgusting. I am not sure how porn would tie into this.

I think it is about control and anger.

BAB61 posted 2/20/2014 10:39 AM

MB is abbreviation of masturbate.

I'm not sure what my reaction is - on one level I'm completely grossed out that he would do that .. on another level (and this is a little esoteric - so bear with me) the essence of the man was gifted to you (some cultures esteem the 'essence of life' so highly that MB on the ground is punishable by death) ... so WH was NO .. SORRY I can't even continue .. he's messed up!

Get YOU into counseling, if he's unwilling at least get you on the right road.

sohurtbyhim posted 2/20/2014 10:49 AM

I know...it is so disgusting. How could the man that I lived with for 30 years be so different than the way he portrayed himself to be....not just to me, but to his family, our friends and neighbors, etc. I don't know how he portrayed himself at work because he worked out of town and we didn't really socialize with his co-workers (or so he said, obviously he was more "social" than I thought), but I guess at work he was a different person.

Ostrich80 posted 2/20/2014 10:53 AM

I don't.know what that was,all about but I find it very disturbing. I'm sure someone out there may be able to figure it out, maybe IC? I would find it very difficult to have a shred of trust with him now..just violating and disgusting.

JanaGreen posted 2/20/2014 10:54 AM

I think it is about control and anger.

Yeah this.

sohurtbyhim posted 2/20/2014 10:58 AM

I know, Ostrich, right?

I just thought, why would he even tell me he did this. When he told me months later that he did this, it wasn't in a fit of anger or anything. He simply stated matter of factly and he even thought it was funny because I shared the item with my mom and told her it was the best I had ever tasted. Must of made him feel real good knowing what he did.

Lovedyoumore posted 2/20/2014 10:58 AM

That tells me he has some major unresolved anger. You may not be the origin of that anger, but you were the recipient of a major degradation. I am afraid this is more than him being able to turn off his addictions and become a loving husband. Your H has some major messed up head issues and he needs to get them worked out with somebody.

I think most of us have heard just about everything, so do not be embarrassed. That took real courage to admit. You have nothing to feel bad about. You have been a victim in real abuse and it is not your fault. Please do not confuse his kindnesses now for real change. Whether he did it once or a dozen times, he is in need of professional help, no matter what the trigger. Even if you separate out the slime factor, he did something cruel, sneaky, and dangerous to punish you for some perceived slight to him.

Why did he confess?

sohurtbyhim posted 2/20/2014 10:59 AM

I can see it being out of anger, but I don't understand the control part. Can you please explain how you mean, "control"?

nowiknow23 posted 2/20/2014 11:04 AM

(((((sohurtbyhim))))) I'm so sorry, honey. It's upsetting just to read about, so I can't even begin to imagine how disturbing it must be for you.

I think it is about control and anger.
This was my first thought, too. Especially about control.

It's scary to think that not only did he feel justified in cheating, but he treated me like garbage behind my back while pretending like nothing was wrong.
I don't know that I could feel safe with someone who acted in that way. In my mind, he assaulted you. It's no different than drugging or poisoning someone. Very scary.

How did he present this information to you? What was his demeanor when he was talking about it?

refuz2bavictim posted 2/20/2014 11:06 AM

then later tell me about it as if it's no big deal?

He told you about it, but not in a way that indicated guilt? As in he just wanted you to know? And meh, it's not that big of a deal.

Aside from the Act itself, that's the really jacked up part. I sounds like he was getting off on the act of degradation. In order for you to be fully degraded by the act, you would have to be made aware of it, at time of his choosing.

((sohurtbyhim))

I lived next door to a guy who got off on getting his xwife (who he was pretending to reconcile with) to wear his AP's used lingerie, that she would leave behind at his apt. How do I know of this. He eagerly told our landlord who then repeated the story to me. I had to inform her that she had just been drawn into his sick game. He was getting off not only on the act, but by bringing her into the story to get her reactions.

I think this is beyond serious.

nowiknow23 posted 2/20/2014 11:06 AM

Cross posted with you.

He simply stated matter of factly and he even thought it was funny because I shared the item with my mom and told her it was the best I had ever tasted. Must of made him feel real good knowing what he did.
I don't even know what to say to this. I'm just beside myself on your behalf.

JanaGreen posted 2/20/2014 11:07 AM

he even thought it was funny

That just . . . the fact that he thought it was funny says to me he has no remorse for doing it. That is so blatantly disrespectful.

Control - because he did this without your knowledge or consent. You had no say as to whether or not you consumed this - substance - but he did and he presumably watched you do it. Honestly it kind of reminds me of an affair situation - he has this secret and you don't - he has the knowledge/power over this thing and you don't get to be a party to it.

I would be so furious. I'm sorry. That's just so disgusting and disrespectful. It's one thing if swallowing that is a part of a consensual sex act and it's your choice. To put it in your food is just degrading.

FaithFool posted 2/20/2014 11:12 AM

Wow, what a sick fuck.

What if he decides to ramp up the amusement factor and put some shit in your food? That could actually kill you.

Three DDays and now this?

Sorry, I'd be out the door and to the lawyer's office in a heartbeat. Too. Creepy.


[This message edited by FaithFool at 11:14 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]

Ascendant posted 2/20/2014 11:17 AM

Yeah, that is beyond fucked up. I gagged in the car while reading it. I'm really sorry. It's definitely some sort of power/control thing. That's just not something people do to one another.

Ostrich80 posted 2/20/2014 11:26 AM

He thought it was kind of funny? Matter of factly told you? He'sgot some shit going on that is way deeper than any of us can advise on. You shouldn't be embarrassed. You are a victim here. He got some kind of sick pleasure watching you eat this...good God I don't think I could feel comfortable in the same home as him. I would be scared of what it would take next time to satisfy his sick side. Somethings not right with him. Is he in any kind of counseling? Please don't let this go, no matter how nonchalant he acts which by the way pisses me the fuck off even more. It's like he's still getting a kick out of it. you don't deserve any part of this

sohurtbyhim posted 2/20/2014 11:31 AM

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and explanations. I haven't mentioned this incident to him since he told me about it which was near the beginning of his confession to cheating. I would like to ask him about his feelings towards it now, I'm just afraid to because if he still views it as funny or no big deal, I would be really hurt again.

I can't believe how messed up his mind was. The hardest part is that I don't know for how long in our marriage he was like this. Not only are my memories tarnished by the affair, I am also fighting with was my marriage, my family and my life EVER real?

nowiknow23 posted 2/20/2014 11:33 AM

(((((sohurt))))) It's a lot to grapple with, honey. Are you in IC?

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