Freebygrace - I cannot get past the A... Well, it's been 13 years and its still raw. Is this normal?
While the consensus is that it takes 2-5 years to get beyond the A, I believe that is based on the assumption that some form of IC and/or MC is happening to help healing. But everyone's situation is unique at one level or the other. Some people compare living through a divorce to be sufficient emotional trauma that it can be considered to be the cause for P.T.S.D. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I would think that if you did not go through counselling in year or so after the A, that no real healing has taken place at all and so, yes, it could be within the realm of possibility that your emotions today are as raw as they were on day one. From my own experience, I know how long the effects of emotional trauma can last, especially if you are do not get professional help.
Freebygrace - So, do people just live with the pain forever? Are my options pain and agony or divorce? Why can't I move past it? How do you get the marriage to be equal again? I am so tired of walking on egg shells and in fear that I will cause him to have another A.
Most people don't have the strength or endurance to live with the pain forever and I don't think anyone ever should. You have many options to pick from and they include attending IC sessions, seeking professional psychiatric help, seeking medical help for clinical depression or such if need be etc. In addition, taking concrete steps, including putting the 180 into practice, may be among the steps you need to take.
The issue of inequality of power within your marriage would also be addressed by putting the 180 into practice. You can get more information on it by looking into the healing library in the yellow box to the left of the screen.
More importantly, you need to stop thinking that it is you and/or your actions that would cause him to have another A. You were not the cause of the first affair and if he has not addressed the broken WS inside of him, for sure, you will not cause him to have the next one. That remains his choice and his decision. You can not be responsible for his mistakes. But you can be responsible for taking care of yourself.
Your only choice and best decision is to seek healing. You need someone with experience in adultery who is willing to support you in healing and helping you develop the skills to take control of your life. Right now, anger, fear, anxiety and resentment are probably the main emotions that you are feeling and they are negative emotions. You need to find confidence, determination and self-worth within yourself.
I hope more BS's come and respond so you can get the help that you need.
HUFI
BE STRONG. BE LION STRONG. ROAAR!