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Help, need advice regarding healing

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Freebygrace posted 2/20/2014 10:29 AM

I need some help. I cannot get past the A. The counselors all said that time would heal, and that someday it would be this thing " that we went through" but it wouldn't still hurt. Well, it's been 13 years and its still raw. Is this normal?

A quick background, my WH had an A with my best friend while I was pregnant, and they were both in the delivery room. It was a 2 month A. And D day was the day I brought my son home from the hospital.

On d day, I didn't handle it well. I should've kicked him out. I was hormonal and shocked! Instead, I went into a HUGE HB mode. I just showered him with love because he said the famous line, " I didn't think you loved me".

So, this has caused a weird shift in our marriage. Now, I am like the little puppy who he can kick around, and treat bad. Our last marriage counselor ( a year ago) said he was emotionally abusive. He tells me that I'm a bad parent, and is always threatening to leave. He always has the upper hand, and I think it's because he thinks, " if she didn't leave when I F'd her BFF, she is not leaving now." He buys huge gifts for himself ( jeeps, big screen TVs) and then I get nothing for my birthday, Christmas, anniversaries.

But worst of all, I feel like the A happened yesterday. I remember every tiny detail. I am SO depressed. How can I still be thinking about this every day after 13 years? I should've been brave 13 years ago and divorced him right then. But he did " everything right" at that time. He went NC immediately, started MC, but he never showed me love. He was like a cat who sat there while I pet him, but didn't show love back.

So, do people just live with the pain forever? Are my options pain and agony or divorce? Why can't I move past it? How do you get the marriage to be equal again? I am so tired of walking on egg shells and in fear that I will cause him to have another A.

HUFI-PUFI posted 2/20/2014 13:19 PM

Freebygrace - I cannot get past the A... Well, it's been 13 years and its still raw. Is this normal?

While the consensus is that it takes 2-5 years to get beyond the A, I believe that is based on the assumption that some form of IC and/or MC is happening to help healing. But everyone's situation is unique at one level or the other. Some people compare living through a divorce to be sufficient emotional trauma that it can be considered to be the cause for P.T.S.D. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I would think that if you did not go through counselling in year or so after the A, that no real healing has taken place at all and so, yes, it could be within the realm of possibility that your emotions today are as raw as they were on day one. From my own experience, I know how long the effects of emotional trauma can last, especially if you are do not get professional help.

Freebygrace - So, do people just live with the pain forever? Are my options pain and agony or divorce? Why can't I move past it? How do you get the marriage to be equal again? I am so tired of walking on egg shells and in fear that I will cause him to have another A.

Most people don't have the strength or endurance to live with the pain forever and I don't think anyone ever should. You have many options to pick from and they include attending IC sessions, seeking professional psychiatric help, seeking medical help for clinical depression or such if need be etc. In addition, taking concrete steps, including putting the 180 into practice, may be among the steps you need to take.

The issue of inequality of power within your marriage would also be addressed by putting the 180 into practice. You can get more information on it by looking into the healing library in the yellow box to the left of the screen.

More importantly, you need to stop thinking that it is you and/or your actions that would cause him to have another A. You were not the cause of the first affair and if he has not addressed the broken WS inside of him, for sure, you will not cause him to have the next one. That remains his choice and his decision. You can not be responsible for his mistakes. But you can be responsible for taking care of yourself.

Your only choice and best decision is to seek healing. You need someone with experience in adultery who is willing to support you in healing and helping you develop the skills to take control of your life. Right now, anger, fear, anxiety and resentment are probably the main emotions that you are feeling and they are negative emotions. You need to find confidence, determination and self-worth within yourself.

I hope more BS's come and respond so you can get the help that you need.



sisoon posted 2/20/2014 13:33 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You've said you can't let go of the A. What about the ongoing abuse? That seems like the more important problem. If the abuse stops, it'll be easier to heal from the A.

Skan posted 2/20/2014 19:45 PM

(((hugs))) I'm glad that you round your way here.

Listen, after 13 years of agony that your WH has evidently ground your nose in, do you really, I mean *really* want to go on like this for another 13 years? 20 years? Heck, even 1?

No. This is not normal. You can't move past it because you've never actually ever dealt with the A. Nor has your WH. Right now, he's got the best of all possible worlds. Were we not in the R forum, I would tell you all of this frankly, but that would violate this forum's rules, so I will just say that as long as he got to get away with having his A and now gets to boss you around through fear, why in the world would he change? He's eaten his cake, gotten another, eaten that, and is working his way through the bakery.

Time can heal all wounds. But only if the wound is probably excised, cleaned, tended, and treated. If it's not, then all it does is become a nasty abscess waiting to rupture, no matter how smooth the skin over it looks.

I would urge you to ask the moderators to move your post to the Just Found Out forum or for you to start posting there. It may have been 13 years ago that they physical affair was, but I don't think that you have ever moved a bit beyond the finding out. I truly think that you would get more focused support there.

Keep posting in any case. We're all here for you.

seenow posted 2/20/2014 20:59 PM

Hey FBG: I think you feel things for a reason. I think your gut knows things your head does not. I give you strength to make things right for you.

lastdance posted 2/21/2014 16:03 PM

I stayed with my husband 13 years`AFTER D-DAY BECAUSE I LOVED HIM----I was miserable for 13 years---I never moved on---I never trusted him again--I never really forgot how he lied and betrayed me---I finally divorced him---6 months before the divorce came thru he reconnected with the ow who was still married----she divorced the husband who forgave her and took her back after their D-day-----once my ex and ow were free they got married---------he did say that he always missed and loved her---she is his true love----all the time and years we were in counseling he used to say how much he loved me,how sorry he was he hurt me,and how he only wanted to have his marriage again------so he lied ,it was all a lie----when someone shows you who they really are,BELIEVE THEM---your hubby alreadyshowed you who he really is---there is no love here---if you can do not settle for this kind of life---you are being abused and walked all over--I wasted 25 years with my ex----get out while you can----no one deserves to live with a monster like that---you deserve better---do not be afraid you are still young---you will be so much happier--it is a long road but the best road

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