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Newest Member: mendingme (47403)

User Topic: Is it normal to obsess over an exH/SO after separation?
♀ 39669
Member # 39669
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this part of the healing process? Even if you're a couple of months out and you've had good days?

I also don't check FB or text/call.

Wants nothing to do with our daughter
No Contact

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Newwhere
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just my two cents, but yes, I think it's normal. As you aren't monitoring on social media to feed the obsession it should lessen. Maybe try the rubber band on your wrist trick--snap it when you start to go there.

Remember too that the best revenge is a life well lived and keep moving to get the new life you want and deserve.

((((hugs & strength)))

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4286 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it's completely normal. It's like you are going through withdrawal, and you have to wean yourself off of it. It's hard, and every single day, heck even every single minute is a struggle.

D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010
DD - 5 years old
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 3927 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Game On!
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's normal. As you detach more and more, the obsession loses its hold.

You can help that process along the same way you would break a bad habit. The rubber band around the wrist trick works. I had some success by refocusing whenever I caught my thoughts wandering to wasband. It was a three step thing - Stop. Breathe. Refocus. Here's how it worked:

I'm in the grocery store, walking down the tea/coffee aisle and I see the iced tea brand wasband liked. I start thinking about wasband and when I realize it, I say (in my head) STOP!

I breathe in deeply and blow it out slowly.

I refocus myself back on my shopping list and look for the next item.

Maybe that process (or something like it) can help you?

You can call me NIK

“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 29122 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still do, but now that we're not together anymore, it's getting easier because I just don't care about the SOB anymore. But, yes, totally normal. I did it for a whole year of fake R-ing "for the kids," BAD mistake on my part. But, I did learn what's best for boys and myself, with the help of everyone here. :) I still look up the OW on fb. :( I'm ashamed to say. But, everytime, I get stronger and don't cry anymore. I think how great I am and how I didn't desreve that type of treatment, on any level.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:52 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]

Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
♀ 40141
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's very normal. It really does start to lessen (thank goodness!) but even now I will go weeks without really thinking about them and then suddenly I will have a wave of thoughts that hit me and turn me into a mess temporarily. I like NIK's suggestion- I always try to tell myself "Let it go" and then try and focus on something else.

M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filed for D, almost done!

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
♂ 31504
Member # 31504
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it is completely normal. My IC assured me it was.

I did it for well over a year and I think I obsessed longer because I was blindsided and abandoned iimmediately. In other words, I didn't want any of it. I was confused and looking for answers.

Refocusing techniques helped sometimes. Time helps more. NC is critical to stopping the obsessing.

Realize that you are responding normally to infidelity. It will take a lot of time to get back to your baseline of normality. You will stiill have periods when it all comes flooding back. Normal too.

This rollercoaster really sucks. Put simply, the only way off of it is to focus your mind on taking care of yourself and your new life, rhen you are truly taking steps forward.

Peace to all who are obsessing.

Me BH-45
Her WW-44
D-Day 4/11/10
Divorced 9/13/2010
XWW Married OM 5/23/2011

There is hope. Once you truly commit to focusing on yourself and letting go, it comes back, and you will appreciate it like never before.

Posts: 588 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Coeur d 'Alene, Idaho
♂ 40268
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes not only normal but necessary in recovery. I did it for months , everywhere and whenever. I never fought it instead what worked for me was allowing it. Giving it power for a short period of time then nothing. Time will heal this. That dreaded time. All the best.

"respect? you don't deserve it, you won't get any from me unless you earn it"

Posts: 786 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Topic Posts: 8

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