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Should probably talk about this in counseling

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JanaGreen posted 2/20/2014 10:47 AM

Ugh. As I have mentioned in off-topic, I recently went through a miscarriage. It was a missed miscarriage, which meant I had no bleeding/cramping, the baby had stopped growing but my body had not started the miscarriage process. It was discovered at my 8-week ultrasound.

So this is my second missed miscarriage. My first was in 2009, when I was 28. I'm 33 now, will be 34 in April.

Our original plan was to start TTC after our daughter turned one. D-Day 1 was in August 2010, when our baby was 9.5 months old. So at the time, my husband was a weepy mess and said that he would want nothing more than to be with me and have another baby with me, etc. etc.

We didn't deal with the aftermath of the ONS very well - he was a mess due to guilt, shame, etc. and I put my pain on the back burner, where of course it eventually boiled over and made a mess. We went through hell, and almost divorced in 2012. He pulled his head out at the last minute and R has gone very well since then.

I went off the pill in August 2013 and got pregnant on our fourth month trying. I had been very worried about secondary infertility but it turns out that I should have been more worried about miscarriage.

So when I went for my follow-up with my OB, he told me, "Age CAN be a factor in this type of miscarriage, but you're not THAT old." (Ummm, thanks?). Now, this is where my thinking gets irrational. I had the same type of miscarriage in 2009, when I was a spring chicken of 28. So the fact that I'm 33 now - not necessarily a game-changer. However, I can't help but think - IF he had not had the ONS back in 2010 - if we had stuck to our original TTC timeline - I would have been pregnant at 30, not 33. How much difference does three years make in terms of miscarriage risk? I don't know.

I'm feeling some resentment. I wanted kids two years apart, so they could be close friends who would have common interests. Instead I'm almost 34 and there is now, thanks to my miscarriage, no possible way that they will be less than five years apart. I was already somewhat resentful of how his fuck-ups have caused such a large age gap, and now I'm wondering if my age was a factor in this miscarriage, which in addition to making the age gap even larger (assuming I'll ever even have another baby) is incredibly emotional crappy.

So yeah. Probably a topic for counseling. I know I should probably talk to my H about it, too. I just hate bringing this shit up.

Rebreather posted 2/20/2014 13:22 PM

I think it sounds like a good idea to talk it out.

While the pain of having our lives derailed is brutal, we can also "what if" ourselves right into a box. You know?

NothingIsCertain posted 2/20/2014 13:25 PM

I'm going to be 39 in 2 weeks. I have an 8 year old daughter and miscarried on Jan 25th (I was 14 weeks along) with my only other pregnancy. We had tried for 5 years prior to my fWH's A to have another baby.

Miscarriage/infertility is such a delicate thing when you think about it. I was so upset after the miscarriage. I blamed stress, my H, you name it. The cold hard reality is that if even if everything is perfect, age, timing, etc.; it's still a miracle to get pregnant and carry to term. I totally understand wanting kids closer in age. You have to look at the positives of the situation. Perhaps your meant to have them further apart. My mother and her brother are 11 years apart. My grandmother didn't plan it but said it was such a good thing in the end. My mother was helpful and my grandmother had one on one time with each she wouldn't have had otherwise. My mom and her brother are super close too. Embrace the good and put the other thoughts out of your head. The world is bigger than we are and this is just a small reminder of how little we are in control of.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard to deal with I know.

JanaGreen posted 2/20/2014 15:00 PM

NothingisCertain, I'm really sorry for your loss too. 14 weeks - that is so hard.

I talked it out with the counselor and I think I talked myself into being ok. I know we do hate the "marriage is better because of the affair" stuff here, but my marriage IS better, because both of us made a lot of changes. Not because of the affair, even if that was the catalyst. But whatever. Maybe whatever needed to happen happened, and like you said NIC, really there's so much that has to go right for a pregnancy to work out.

I'm glad I talked about it to my IC and mentioned it here. I feel better about it now. Wow, that was quick.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 3:00 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

OnAnIsland posted 2/20/2014 15:22 PM

JG and NIC, I am sorry for your losses.

I saw that you talked it through with IC and are ok with it. do you still plan to talk it through with MR. Green? infidelity seems to derail our lives for some time, and it messes with our plans for the future in terms of both tomorrow and next year, etc. I would still need to talk about it with WH, but maybe that is I. It seems like something that you would want out in the open, to make sure that resentment and hurt don't grow?

you are still young, and I know lots of moms who love having their little ones 4-5 years apart. I know it wasn't your plan though, and that is hard. take care of yourself. OAI

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 3:22 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

cdnmommy posted 2/20/2014 15:28 PM

Jana, I have had the same struggles and all I can say is that counseling has helped immeasurably. We have not given up completely, but I will be 43 in April and DS 7 in June. We planned to try for another soon after he was born due to infertility but that got derailed by H's affair.

Thanks to a great IC I almost feel like we will be ok no matter what.

SpotlessMind posted 2/20/2014 15:37 PM

((((Jana)))). I had two miscarriages between my kids (who are just under 5 yr age diff)--I know how powerless and devastating that can feel. Every single one of the moms in my close circle had one or two miscarriages as well. Makes me think they are grossly under reported.

Glad your talk with IC was helpful!

turtle72 posted 2/20/2014 16:00 PM

Resentment and babies is something I am struggling with too. I miscarried our first "ours" right before I turned 39. I miscarried our second "ours" in December right in the middle of the A.

I will be 42 in two weeks. The miscarriage was likely due to age, but there is that little voice that questions if it was stress of knowing something was wrong, or foreign flora that wasn't supposed to be there...either way it is gone and will be my last. I would want to wait until I had some trust built with him again - and by then it would be much too late.

Our family will look different than I had planned - that is hard to accept. Sigh.

Oh, and I recall being shocked when I had DS at 33 and the phrase "advanced maternal age" was tossed out. What?!

Morhurt posted 2/20/2014 19:27 PM

I'm glad you talked to IC and feel better. I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks too, it was awful. I didn't know how to grieve so even though it was almost 10 years ago I'm starting to grieve now. I hope you can allow yourself the space to feel however it is you feel. Big hugs ((JG)), it is so sad.

rachelc posted 2/20/2014 19:48 PM

((Those struggling))

ItsaClimb posted 2/21/2014 00:16 AM


I had 2 ectopic pregnancies between my two girls who are nearly 6 years apart. It was all very traumatic, a dreadful time. I really wanted my babies to be close in age, for the same reasons you mention, but honestly the bigger age gap has been lovely too. I got to give my girls SO much individual attention and although they weren't particularly close as littlies, they are very close now and have a unique and lovely relationship. So don't feel despondent about the possible age gap, these things have a way of working out.

Flourgirl posted 2/21/2014 01:27 AM

Fertility isn't always age related. I started trying to have my first at 23 I had trouble getting pregnant had my DD at 25. I started trying to get pregnant when she was 3 months old. When she was a year I got pregnant but miscarried at 13 weeks. It was devastating. My dr was great! He helped me understand it is truly a miracle to carry to term. I started Clomid had a tube blockage fixed and a year later when my daughter was 3 I had another DD. I have since had 2 more children with 2 more miscarriages in between my pregnancies. I know how blessed I am to have my 4 babies. I fought hard to have them. You would not believe how many people make stupid comments like "you know what causes those don't you.". They piss me off so I say yes and I'm sorry you don't. It happens at all ages. My friend had 4 kids no problems than had 3 miscarriages she gave up and found out she was pregnant on her 40th birthday. She had a beautiful healthy girl last December. A lot of people won't talk about infertility or miscarriages IRL. I feel no shame or guilt. I know even under perfect conditions it happens. It's like infidelity nobody talks about it but many suffer through it. Hugs to you. Things have a way of working out. My sisters are 10 and 12 years older than me and we are very close. Well we were until I stayed with my WH but that will work itself out too. We all live a few miles from each other. So you can have a huge age spread and still be close. I wish you all the luck on your journey to heal.

JanaGreen posted 2/21/2014 09:56 AM

Ladies, I'm so sorry for your losses. I do agree that it's not talked about enough and I'm really glad that we are talking about it here. I don't wish this on anybody but at the same time it helps to feel not so all alone!

I guess what I am working on is letting go of that ideal that I had of babies two years apart. Might not have been so great anyway. Instead I'll embrace what I've got, which is a wonderful daughter, and a great husband. And look forward to the future, and try to not to worry about what my original "plan" was. Maybe whatever is in store is better than what I had planned.

cdnmommy I hope you end up with a healthy, completely uneventful pregnancy and a beautiful baby. Flourgirl, I hope you and your sisters regain that closeness.

((HUGS)) all around and thank all of you ladies so much for your replies!

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