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Newest Member: thepainfull86 (61156)

User Topic: Should probably talk about this in counseling
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. As I have mentioned in off-topic, I recently went through a miscarriage. It was a missed miscarriage, which meant I had no bleeding/cramping, the baby had stopped growing but my body had not started the miscarriage process. It was discovered at my 8-week ultrasound.

So this is my second missed miscarriage. My first was in 2009, when I was 28. I'm 33 now, will be 34 in April.

Our original plan was to start TTC after our daughter turned one. D-Day 1 was in August 2010, when our baby was 9.5 months old. So at the time, my husband was a weepy mess and said that he would want nothing more than to be with me and have another baby with me, etc. etc.

We didn't deal with the aftermath of the ONS very well - he was a mess due to guilt, shame, etc. and I put my pain on the back burner, where of course it eventually boiled over and made a mess. We went through hell, and almost divorced in 2012. He pulled his head out at the last minute and R has gone very well since then.

I went off the pill in August 2013 and got pregnant on our fourth month trying. I had been very worried about secondary infertility but it turns out that I should have been more worried about miscarriage.

So when I went for my follow-up with my OB, he told me, "Age CAN be a factor in this type of miscarriage, but you're not THAT old." (Ummm, thanks?). Now, this is where my thinking gets irrational. I had the same type of miscarriage in 2009, when I was a spring chicken of 28. So the fact that I'm 33 now - not necessarily a game-changer. However, I can't help but think - IF he had not had the ONS back in 2010 - if we had stuck to our original TTC timeline - I would have been pregnant at 30, not 33. How much difference does three years make in terms of miscarriage risk? I don't know.

I'm feeling some resentment. I wanted kids two years apart, so they could be close friends who would have common interests. Instead I'm almost 34 and there is now, thanks to my miscarriage, no possible way that they will be less than five years apart. I was already somewhat resentful of how his fuck-ups have caused such a large age gap, and now I'm wondering if my age was a factor in this miscarriage, which in addition to making the age gap even larger (assuming I'll ever even have another baby) is incredibly emotional crappy.

So yeah. Probably a topic for counseling. I know I should probably talk to my H about it, too. I just hate bringing this shit up.

Proud mom to a lovely young lady and a sweet little boy.

Posts: 8398 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Southeast US
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it sounds like a good idea to talk it out.

While the pain of having our lives derailed is brutal, we can also "what if" ourselves right into a box. You know?

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 8014 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 42162
Member # 42162
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to be 39 in 2 weeks. I have an 8 year old daughter and miscarried on Jan 25th (I was 14 weeks along) with my only other pregnancy. We had tried for 5 years prior to my fWH's A to have another baby.

Miscarriage/infertility is such a delicate thing when you think about it. I was so upset after the miscarriage. I blamed stress, my H, you name it. The cold hard reality is that if even if everything is perfect, age, timing, etc.; it's still a miracle to get pregnant and carry to term. I totally understand wanting kids closer in age. You have to look at the positives of the situation. Perhaps your meant to have them further apart. My mother and her brother are 11 years apart. My grandmother didn't plan it but said it was such a good thing in the end. My mother was helpful and my grandmother had one on one time with each she wouldn't have had otherwise. My mom and her brother are super close too. Embrace the good and put the other thoughts out of your head. The world is bigger than we are and this is just a small reminder of how little we are in control of.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard to deal with I know.

Me:BW 38
Him: fWH 39

1 DD 8yrs old, one on the way then miscarried Jan 2014
Pregnant again, due May, 3015- I must be crazy.

DDay 12/28/2013
In R and taking one step at a time.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NothingisCertain, I'm really sorry for your loss too. 14 weeks - that is so hard.

I talked it out with the counselor and I think I talked myself into being ok. I know we do hate the "marriage is better because of the affair" stuff here, but my marriage IS better, because both of us made a lot of changes. Not because of the affair, even if that was the catalyst. But whatever. Maybe whatever needed to happen happened, and like you said NIC, really there's so much that has to go right for a pregnancy to work out.

I'm glad I talked about it to my IC and mentioned it here. I feel better about it now. Wow, that was quick.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 3:00 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

Proud mom to a lovely young lady and a sweet little boy.

Posts: 8398 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Southeast US
♀ 34319
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JG and NIC, I am sorry for your losses.

I saw that you talked it through with IC and are ok with it. do you still plan to talk it through with MR. Green? infidelity seems to derail our lives for some time, and it messes with our plans for the future in terms of both tomorrow and next year, etc. I would still need to talk about it with WH, but maybe that is I. It seems like something that you would want out in the open, to make sure that resentment and hurt don't grow?

you are still young, and I know lots of moms who love having their little ones 4-5 years apart. I know it wasn't your plan though, and that is hard. take care of yourself. OAI

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 3:22 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful sons

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1486 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ 30182
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jana, I have had the same struggles and all I can say is that counseling has helped immeasurably. We have not given up completely, but I will be 43 in April and DS 7 in June. We planned to try for another soon after he was born due to infertility but that got derailed by H's affair.

Thanks to a great IC I almost feel like we will be ok no matter what.

Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid. 1 on the way.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1795 | Registered: Nov 2010
♀ 41775
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Jana)))). I had two miscarriages between my kids (who are just under 5 yr age diff)--I know how powerless and devastating that can feel. Every single one of the moms in my close circle had one or two miscarriages as well. Makes me think they are grossly under reported.

Glad your talk with IC was helpful!

Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
♀ 21773
Member # 21773
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Resentment and babies is something I am struggling with too. I miscarried our first "ours" right before I turned 39. I miscarried our second "ours" in December right in the middle of the A.

I will be 42 in two weeks. The miscarriage was likely due to age, but there is that little voice that questions if it was stress of knowing something was wrong, or foreign flora that wasn't supposed to be there...either way it is gone and will be my last. I would want to wait until I had some trust built with him again - and by then it would be much too late.

Our family will look different than I had planned - that is hard to accept. Sigh.

Oh, and I recall being shocked when I had DS at 33 and the phrase "advanced maternal age" was tossed out. What?!

Me: 41 BS/WW/BS
2 kids 9 & 11, 3 steps 20, 8 and 3
BS 1st DDay 10/14/08, 5 mo. PA w/ MOW
WW 2nd D-Day 3/22/10, my exit A with HS BF
Separated 4/19/10
Married H #2 10/8/11
BS latest Dday 12/28/13 - PA w/ single COW

Posts: 2207 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 40166
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you talked to IC and feel better. I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks too, it was awful. I didn't know how to grieve so even though it was almost 10 years ago I'm starting to grieve now. I hope you can allow yourself the space to feel however it is you feel. Big hugs ((JG)), it is so sad.

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 1127 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Those struggling))

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I had 2 ectopic pregnancies between my two girls who are nearly 6 years apart. It was all very traumatic, a dreadful time. I really wanted my babies to be close in age, for the same reasons you mention, but honestly the bigger age gap has been lovely too. I got to give my girls SO much individual attention and although they weren't particularly close as littlies, they are very close now and have a unique and lovely relationship. So don't feel despondent about the possible age gap, these things have a way of working out.

BS 49
Together 32 yrs, M 28 years
2 daughters 27yo(married with 2 children) & 21yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 40937
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fertility isn't always age related. I started trying to have my first at 23 I had trouble getting pregnant had my DD at 25. I started trying to get pregnant when she was 3 months old. When she was a year I got pregnant but miscarried at 13 weeks. It was devastating. My dr was great! He helped me understand it is truly a miracle to carry to term. I started Clomid had a tube blockage fixed and a year later when my daughter was 3 I had another DD. I have since had 2 more children with 2 more miscarriages in between my pregnancies. I know how blessed I am to have my 4 babies. I fought hard to have them. You would not believe how many people make stupid comments like "you know what causes those don't you.". They piss me off so I say yes and I'm sorry you don't. It happens at all ages. My friend had 4 kids no problems than had 3 miscarriages she gave up and found out she was pregnant on her 40th birthday. She had a beautiful healthy girl last December. A lot of people won't talk about infertility or miscarriages IRL. I feel no shame or guilt. I know even under perfect conditions it happens. It's like infidelity nobody talks about it but many suffer through it. Hugs to you. Things have a way of working out. My sisters are 10 and 12 years older than me and we are very close. Well we were until I stayed with my WH but that will work itself out too. We all live a few miles from each other. So you can have a huge age spread and still be close. I wish you all the luck on your journey to heal.

BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 190 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladies, I'm so sorry for your losses. I do agree that it's not talked about enough and I'm really glad that we are talking about it here. I don't wish this on anybody but at the same time it helps to feel not so all alone!

I guess what I am working on is letting go of that ideal that I had of babies two years apart. Might not have been so great anyway. Instead I'll embrace what I've got, which is a wonderful daughter, and a great husband. And look forward to the future, and try to not to worry about what my original "plan" was. Maybe whatever is in store is better than what I had planned.

cdnmommy I hope you end up with a healthy, completely uneventful pregnancy and a beautiful baby. Flourgirl, I hope you and your sisters regain that closeness.

((HUGS)) all around and thank all of you ladies so much for your replies!

Proud mom to a lovely young lady and a sweet little boy.

Posts: 8398 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Southeast US
Topic Posts: 13

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