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Bloozle posted 2/20/2014 13:15 PM

So last night in the car with her, taking the kids for ice cream, for no reason I just started feeling extreme rage. She asked what was wrong, and I brushed it off, but what I really wanted to say was Why am I irritable? Because I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. I F* HATE YOU I HATE YOU I JUST HATE YOU. I wanted to just SCREAM in her FACE at the top of my lungs.

I HATE YOU god I just hate you.

I don't know why it suddenly came over me. It wouldn't accomplish anything so I didn't do it. It took about 30 minutes and I calmed down.

I guess I'm posting this for solidarity; hopefully I'm not the only one that has this happen.

ziganska posted 2/20/2014 13:37 PM

For some reason, I've never said I hate my H but I have definitely screamed in his face....MANY TIMES. In the car, at home, on the train, in restaurants, in public, really whenever and wherever it takes me and now I have to add a new thing to my list of things to reflect on--putting a lid on my new found anger (before DD, I was an incredibly passive, patient person who didn't even like to call her credit card company on the phone in fear of some kind of confrontation).

I agree that not much comes of screaming, but it sure feels good while it's happening. It all the bottled up frustration and rage and humiliation but I find that a lot of it is fueled by years of me being mad at the world, not just at my H, but now I have a clear target for all that rage. I want him to know my pain, feel punished and ashamed and maybe somehow, that evens the score...but sadly it doesn't, and if you do scream like that, as I do, you'll find you feel terribly empty and depleted and even apologetic afterwards.

Try your best to just let your W know how you're feeling without escalating it to a loud volume. Or go to the computer and write it out and decide if you want to send it to her or not. I tend to send my venomous messages to our therapist, just to get it out my system.

Good luck--you are certainly not alone!

steadfast1973 posted 2/20/2014 13:43 PM

The other night, i jumped put of bed in a rage... No trigger... Just getting ready for bed, took my socks and and . He asked me what was wrong and I yelled' "I HATE YOU!" With my my back to him. Then i felt terrible, because, it isn't true... But for about 40 seconds... I really did hate him And every so often, I really, really do...

Lovedyoumore posted 2/20/2014 13:44 PM

Oh yeah. That newly found rage. I can add that to the list of never, ever felt before. Before DDay, I never knew that rage and anger could be in me. Thank goodness our kids are grown and out of our house. I think I held my "adult, mature" tongue way too long and now I do not mind a little righteous indignation coming out in a high volume.

blakesteele posted 2/20/2014 13:56 PM

I visited the remote farm house where my wife had sex with him. I was a man possessed. 40 minutes of acting like a caged animal.

That was my first primal scream urge.

Then I have screamed at my wife to where our windows rattled.

So I get what you are saying and feeling. Unfortunately, I did NOT get in touch with this anger and rage in as timely a fashion as i believe I should have.

Truthfully, that screaming in her eardrum? Should have done that my first DD. I would have if I came home and found her using meth around our daughters.....and she was addict-like in her demeanor that first DD. Sadly, I did not....and she took my lack-of-screaming as the okay to take her EA to PA level.

No, I am not saying I take responsibility for her choice to commit adultery...that is her shit to own.

What I am saying is that I gave up an opportunity to influence her state-of-being, a chance to aggressively protect my family.....and did not take full advantage of that opportunity.

Taken me a bit to forgive myself for this.....

Bloozle....your join date is very recent. If you have the opportunity to use righteous anger when I SHOULD have (immediately or right close to DD) I say strongly consider it!

Months later I used righteous anger. It had marginal effect on my wife, but had a profound affect on her fAP...dumped her instantly.

There is a time for righteous anger....and it is to be used when wrongs are being committed. This is not judgement, it is fighting for what is right.

Adultery is WRONG. Adultery is ABUSE. You have a right, an obligation to protect yourself from it. A time to call sin, sin. If that call means screaming...then do it.

Oh....please don't brush off your feelings. Dont ignore them. Don't bury them. You need to find ways to feel them, express them, process them.

Took me two months of IC to even get in touch with my anger......yeah, pretty fucked up response to adultery....me consoling her, cutting her slack, finding ways to make it easier on her. All dreadfully destructive, horrible choices by me.

Please don't do what I did early on.

You have a responsibility to yourself and your kids to do the right thing here. Righteous anger is the right thing.

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:57 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

blakesteele posted 2/20/2014 14:02 PM

2-3 months out....I found anger.

4-8 months out.....I witnessed RAGE like I have never before. Nearest thing I can liken it to is a silver back gorilla when he realizes his family is under attack.....stopping at nothing, totally engrossed by the RAGE felt. It was shocking, scary really. But it appears this is a normal phase for many BS.

Never knew I had such a dark side within me.

I have fought other men before, been beat up good and beaten others up good. NEVER have I felt the RAGE I felt generated from my wifes adultery.

Pain of betrayal was....well, we all know but it is difficult to explain.

Shock over the damage and hurt my wifes actions are to our girls fueled the inferno inside me.

Scare of STD's due to unprotected, untalked about sexual histories, added to the anxiety which fed into the RAGe.

So much pain and hurt from multiple sources...all feeding into the bonfire of RAGE.

Find an therapist now. Get with a real life friend. Post often.

We got your back.

AML04 posted 2/20/2014 14:09 PM

I've clenched my jaw so hard I swear I chipped a tooth! I would love to scream and yes, the thought that goes through my head is I HATE YOU. What I really mean is I HATE WHAT YOU DID but it doesn't have the same "soothing" feeling.

I think my WH would fall over if I ever actually screamed at him. I've yelled, but never really screamed at the top of my lungs like I would like to.

Bikingguy posted 2/20/2014 14:20 PM

I know how you feel. One of the best investments I made was in a heavy bag. Hangs in the garage and while I am a cyclist with a pretty weak upper body I have gone to town on that many times. Kicked it so hard my toe bleed! I came in and my oldest was joking to his younger brother "Dad must be pissed!"

Actually am still sore from a good sesson a few days ago. Definitely helps. Plus if I run into OM (wanted to use another name but we are in the R forum) in a dark alley, I feel like I will be ready!

cancuncrushed posted 2/20/2014 14:24 PM

I rage. I dont feel guilty..I often feel more upset afterward, then I feel better. It has to come out.. Today, I walked 6 miles. ANd cussed him the entire time. Whatever it takes...H came home for lunch...I didnt answer the phone earlier. I was Having a bad day... He was so insulted and angry at the mere thought I might not answer his call.....Really? .....BUt its ok to cheat? I just started walking and cussing. The day got worse.

TheBestMe posted 2/20/2014 14:30 PM

I too experience RAGE. I rage for the hurt, the pain and the humiliation of the ultimate betrayal. I have told H that I hate him. Yes, I hate his choice to have an A. But, I hate him for thinking so lowly of me. For choosing to share our lives without my consent. I hate him for discussing me with another woman: my enemy. I hate him for taking away my opportunity to say that my H would not cheat on me. I hate him for destroying the hopes and dreams that I had for our marriage; a marriage of faithfulness. I wanted my H to want only me and I would want only him. And at the end of our lives here on earth, we would know that there was never another.

lostworld posted 2/20/2014 15:53 PM

Oh my loving lord, yes, yes, yes. I felt this way many times during R. Hang in there, Bloozle, you're definitely not alone.

HardenMyHeart posted 2/20/2014 16:03 PM

So last night in the car with her, taking the kids for ice cream, for no reason I just started feeling extreme rage.

Yes, I so remember feeling that way.

This will sound strange, but what worked for me was to react the opposite of what I was feeling. Instead of yelling, I would have told her how much I loved her and how happy I am we can have this outing together as a family.

Assuming you have a truly remorseful wife, this kind of response will play a number in a WW's head as they realize what they could have lost.

So sorry for what you are going through.

Bloozle posted 2/20/2014 20:53 PM

Thank you all so much for responding...first my internet messed up and I thought there were no replies, eh, I don't really care I thought. But then it reloaded correctly full of replies and thank you so much, I'm just in gratitude it makes me feel so much better.

Bloozle posted 2/20/2014 22:00 PM

blakesteele, I'm about 2 months into R. I SO wish I would have used my righteous anger when I very first found out about the affair. This was about 6 months back. For probably 3 months, I was pathetic and told her I could deal with her affair, just so she wouldn't leave. Once I finally came to my senses, she immediately stopped doing it and started a half-ass R. After a few weeks I told her get rid of all the male friends PERIOD or leave and finally real R started. After all this, it feels impossible to trust her. It does feel like she just went crazy for a while. But I feel all the worse having "condoned" it for a while. And I still don't know if we'll make it. But one thing is for sure, I'm definitely over the fear of being alone. THANK GOD. If she ever has *one little lie* or cheats on me at all, she can hit the CURB. Do I even want her after she treated me, and with kids our family, in this way? That's the question that's only up to me, I suppose.

beautytoashes5 posted 2/21/2014 00:01 AM

Pfft... I yell, I text, I scream, I whisper and I write in my journal that I HATE MY HUSBAND!!!!
I hate what he has created... A nightmare.
I tell him I can't even look at him sometimes. I don't want to hear his voice or stand for him to touch me. He's disgusting. I tell him because I will not hold my anger inside me.

hurtingfool posted 2/21/2014 05:49 AM

I've had the rage, but when I've actually said I hated her for this was when I was sad and disappointed. Sometimes I will look at her and want to let loose at yelling, then a kid walks in and I force myself to do otherwise.

spond posted 2/21/2014 07:41 AM

I have a non-confrontational personality. I never told my W that I hated her, but I told(texted) that I hated her choice, I hated what she did to our marriage and family, and hated the way I felt now.

This was a HUGE step for me in my recovery process, because I have never ever said anything like this to her, but it was weighing on my mind and heart. I know she didn't like what I had to say, and I'm sure she got mentally upset about it(not at me, but at herself), but it needed to be said.

[This message edited by spond at 7:41 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

Zayda1 posted 2/21/2014 09:01 AM

22 months in and I still have rage. Some days the sight of him makes me rage. Other days the only thing that can bring me down from the rage is the sight of him.

I tell myself that it is ok. I need to feel this rage. I need to know that I can feel such intense emotion. Everything else feels very flat and that is one emotional I truly feel.

Six months out was horrible. I flung so many words at him. I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to feel my pain. Now I try to get it out in other ways. I know he will never really be able to feel my pain. My pain is my issue to work through. Therapy is helping me with this. Lots and lots of therapy.