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OW keeps stalking me online

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BlackIce posted 2/20/2014 13:35 PM

I do not understand why. She stalks my twitter account and flips out and messages my WH about it. I don't even look at her stuff online, but she is obsessed with looking at mine. he knows i am not saying what she accuses me of. he is still in minimum contact with her, i am letting him sort his mess out. she is making me angry though.

BAB61 posted 2/20/2014 13:40 PM

I am just wondering, what is minimum contact? what is the purpose? imho WH should be strict NC with OW. She is stalking you, because she is still in HIS life.

I think the A may have gone underground. Do some investigation. Do not believe everything your WH says.

gonnabe2016 posted 2/20/2014 13:46 PM

Your WH needs to tell her to fuck off.

Kelany posted 2/20/2014 13:49 PM

WHY is he having ANY contact with her at all?

cancuncrushed posted 2/20/2014 13:51 PM

Why dont you block her or keep your file private? I never understand this. NC...No excuses.. Change your profile , or dump it. NC from you to her or her to H. NC. H changes phone #. Your leaving the door open.

BlackIce posted 2/20/2014 16:13 PM

when i say minimum i mean he talks to me and everyone else more than he talks to her. they used to talk for hours now days go by where he doesn't say anything to her. i guess lessening contact is more appropriate. she is halfway across the country, they have never met, it's all via text. i've seen the convos and he barely says anything to her it's all one sided with her trying to keep him from breaking up with her and him telling her why it isn't going to work. he didn't talk to her for about 24 hours and i guess she freaked and read my twitter and told him i was saying stuff about our sex life on the internet, which i didn't cause that's dumb. he just asked and wasn't upset with me and i told him he needed to handle her and her crazy cause it's getting annoying. he doesn't do well with confrontation and he is dragging it out too long. i don't think he realizes that nice isn't going to work with her he has to cut it off. i am letting him sort this out himself cause it's his mess. he is kind of naive about certain things, especially social media. he barely knows how to use facebook. i won't close my account or put it on private because i am not going to hide from her.

Rebreather posted 2/20/2014 16:18 PM

Hon, as long as their is contact, there is an affair.

It's time to tell him to cut her out, or you are out. The slow dribble drab approach doesn't work.

No contact is the absolute minimum requirement for reconciliation. He needs to write her a no contact letter now, today, and send it.

Tickingtock posted 2/20/2014 16:25 PM

i don't think he realizes that nice isn't going to work with her he has to cut it off.

(((BlackIce))), gently, I don't think you realize that nice isn't going to work with HIM and you need to kick him out until he cuts it off.

[This message edited by Tickingtock at 4:26 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

Chicky posted 2/20/2014 16:38 PM

i guess lessening contact is more appropriate.

Huh? That makes absolutely no sense no matter how I look at it.

she is halfway across the country, they have never met, it's all via text.

Even MORE reason to change his phone number and block her emails.

You have way more to be concerned about than this twit following you on the web. You husband is still in the thick of this affair and you're allowing it.

karmahappens posted 2/20/2014 16:48 PM

You are letting him sort his stuff out....equals he is allowed to continue his affair and have his marriage too.

He owes her nothing, you are his wife.

She probably loves that you are getting angry, NC all around. She isn't worth the head space.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:10 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

Simple posted 2/20/2014 16:57 PM

Reconciliation is a fantasy until NC has been established with the affair partner(s).

There was a point in my FWH where he didn't understand why NC and tried to convince me that a couple of the women needs closure so he needs to say good-bye blah blah blah. I told him how considerate he was of their feelings except mine, his supposedly lifetime partner who he begged to stay married to... he got the point there and I kept hammering that over and over.

As far as I know BlackIce, a 2x4 here probably, this has become you and your husband against the OW. Instead of you and your husband working on your Marriage. I can tell you that letting your H off-the-hook because he's just "so naive" makes me look back in your direction. You're not doing your job as the BS. You're not enacting consequences for your naive child who will in turn will never learn the damage he has caused. Guess what, THIS WILL happen again. Play nice and you will get what you got again. Been there, done that. 11 years that my H pulled the wool over my eyes even though I really knew! When I finally learned, then he and I finally grew up and confronted the problem together as a married couple and trust me, the problem is NOT the OW. It's your hubby.

BlackIce posted 2/20/2014 17:39 PM

thank you simple.

he needs to stop interacting with her. i know this. i have been working on me and doing my own thing. he has been noticing and slowly coming out of his fog, he isn't all the way there. he is hard to deal with, i have to do what i know will work on him. he is a survivor of physical and sexual abuse and some approaches don't work with him. it's frustrating.

4everfaithful83 posted 2/20/2014 18:04 PM

I think you are missing a key point here...


First, You should have her blocked on ALL forms of social media. Not only to protect yourself, but she shouldn't be able to get ANY information about you or your WH, and especially not information about WH from your facebook, twitter or whatever.

Second, he should change his phone number immediately. There is absolutely no reason for them to still have contact. Unless you and your WH are divorcing and moving on with your lives (which is doesn't sound like whats where you are at)

EVERY time your WH does have contact with her, it re-affirms that they still have a relationship. That there is still "something" there. Is that what you want?? I don't think you are looking at the situation correctly. Frankly I'm shocked at how calm you are at the fact that he's still talking to her.

You seem more upset that she's stalking you than the fact that shes stalking you because you WH is making her feel like she CAN. In her eye's, YOU'RE the other woman, because he's still stringing her along!

He is acting the way he is because YOU are letting him. Put and end to this disrespect!

If he doesn't want to end contact with the Ow, then tell him to get the hell out of your house. He can't have his cake and eat it to.

whattheh posted 2/20/2014 18:38 PM

Your fWH needs to send an NC email which meets your approval. This will likely help stop her stalking of you. And it's an important step for a successful R.

If she stalks you gather evidence. Eventually you may want to report her to police if she escalates.

So are you okay with him talking with her?

[This message edited by whattheh at 6:42 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

BlackIce posted 2/20/2014 21:12 PM


i am going to bring up NC, waiting for him to quit his job first because he is all worked up over that bad situation i don't want to have the two things clashing. he has a new job so it's not like he won't be working, in fact we are working together starting next week.

he has told me not talking to her has been hard and that he is trying to break off, which i can see since he is not on his phone as much as before. i don't believe everything he says since i know it is not completely over yet. i don't like him talking to her, i think she causes him more stress than it's worth but he got into this mess with her and he needs to end it. she is overly dramatic and very jealous. i am not, i know it's probably weird for me to be this calm about everything but it took a lot for me to get this way. being this way is what has gotten him to start pulling away from his OEA. like i said i have to do what works for us and being a hard a** and pushing him away is not how to deal with him. i know that it is what is recommended but i know it won't work for us. i am not placating him. he knows how i feel. the less crazy i look the better. i am living my life, i do what i want, i am being the me i was before i met him. if he chooses to come along with me then great, if not then we will deal with it. not everything is simple and not every situation is the same.

i just was wondering why she feels the need to check up on me. i don't even do that to her because i am not going to put myself in that headspace. it isn't healthy. this is the second time she has done this to me. i am not mad at her just irritated that she can't seem to leave me alone.

hitbyatruck posted 2/20/2014 21:57 PM

i just was wondering why she feels the need to check up on me. i don't even do that to her because i am not going to put myself in that headspace. it isn't healthy. this is the second time she has done this to me. i am not mad at her just irritated that she can't seem to leave me alone.

Because she is having an affair with your H. You don't have to stalk her, your H lets you know when she is upset.

By not making your social media private you are adding to the drama. Your H is starting a new job, he has childhood issues, he is nave to twitter...none of this excuses his contact with her.

I understand that every situation is different but you are allowing him to continue this texting affair.

karmahappens posted 2/20/2014 22:15 PM

he has told me not talking to her has been hard and that he is trying to break off,

Have you asked him why his need to talk to her over-rides your needs as his wife?

I am sorry, you are making excuses for him and enabling his behavior.

You don't nice someone out of an affair.

cantgetup posted 2/20/2014 22:24 PM

It's not uncommon and I wonder if it applies here. Do you think you are addicted to the drama? Because I can't conceive
of this all going on if you didn't want it to. There is no reason this has to be going on especially given your circumstances. Text only. Never met. Long distance??? It doesn't get much easier than that.There are very easy
Fixes to this but your not even trying to do them.

I know 2 years out i often find that if I'm gliding along without any bumps in my road, it as if I drum up some drama to prove that I didn't forget this and I won't let him forget it. It's not like i consciously do it, but I definAtely recognize it right away and knew what I just did. But I think I do it because i don't want to be blindsided again. I want to be ready and if the drama keeps up then I feel "ready". But it's what I don't hear and what I don't see and what I don't suspect that I think will get me.

BlackIce posted 2/20/2014 22:31 PM

he asked me about it without mentioning her even though i knew who told him, which he admitted to. he only brought it up because if i had done it it would have made him upset, we both are very private people in regards to our personal lives, which is why i have a hard time talking on here. i don't care if she was upset and neither did he. i only know cause last time i upset her he got mad at me which was when this first started, this time he didn't care.

yes i have talked to him about it. i am not being nice. i am being cordial because we have kids so i am not going to be horrible in front of them, which is constant because they are always there. i am keeping my emotions in check because if i acted how i really felt then nothing would happen. as far as my needs, he is starting to realize he has been neglecting things and is working on fixing it. two steps forward one step back, we actually talk a lot about what is going on, he just needs to cut the cord and hope she respects it, which i doubt she will because she is a drama queen. he doesn't want to deal with her drama but he needs to just get it over with.

gonnabe2016 posted 2/20/2014 22:31 PM

Funny how you think that you are *controlling* this situation by how you deal with your WH's handling of his EA partner.

I always thought I was handling things correctly based on my stbx's *issues*, also.....until the day that I realized that HE was the one who was *handling* me!

Your anger towards her is totally misplaced.

Do you not see what your WH is allowing (and perhaps encouraging) to happen? HE is the one who is still in contact with her....and yet you are pissed off at her and he gets a pass? How does that even make sense?

NofuckingContact. Period. If they still HAVE to have work-related conversations....then it should be work ONLY. She doesn't get to blow up his phone over your Twitter account and have him act as a go-between. You are allowing your WH to have his cake and eat it too.

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