SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

mof2 posted 2/20/2014 13:39 PM

So my ex and I were only married a little under 5 years, together 7. Really not that long in the grand scheme of things. I was a very good wife to him. He tried to commit suicide, spent money like it grew on trees, flirted, porn, gambling addiction. I held the marriage together. Tiptoed around him and did everything in my power to keep him happy....typical doormat behavior. When he left me for OW, I felt the pain intensely like everyone else here. I'm over it and I'm glad he is out of my life, but I can't get past the regret of ever even knowing him let alone marrying him. Tips, advice?

Williesmom posted 2/20/2014 13:46 PM

Yeah, I have regrets also, but I was with him for 26 years.

You kind of have to give yourself a bit of a free pass. You didn't screw up - he did. You made a good faith effort based on what you knew at the time.

Don't let regret taint the rest of your years.

SBB posted 2/20/2014 14:34 PM

Together 10, married 8 (to the day - final S was 10 mins into the 8th wedding anniversary).

I don't know how to stop the regret. I am still dripping with regret for choosing so poorly for my girls. Eventually it doesn't burn quite so much.

What people here have said to comfort me is "you did the best you could with the information you had". It was faulty information and knew it years ago. I kept up the facade for far longer than he bothered to pretend to be the guy I thought I had married.

When all else fails I remind myself that it could all be worse, much much worse. I could have wasted 30 years. I could have had a bunch more kids, I could have been a SAHM, he could be stalking me violently etc. etc. etc. It sometimes helps.

Charity411 posted 2/20/2014 14:40 PM

I look at it this way. Yes, there were wasted years. But why would on want to waste anymore time pondering those wasted years. He took enough from me. He's not worth the regret.

HurtsButImOK posted 2/20/2014 14:43 PM

I am still working to forgive myself for staying so long and putting up with so much in the relationship.

What I tell myself is 'now that I know better I can do better'. I can't change the past but I can avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

Phoenix1 posted 2/20/2014 14:46 PM

We were married 22 years and together for 30. I don't waste time on regrets. If I hadn't married him I wouldn't have my beautiful children so I certainly don't regret that! It is now simply a chapter of my life that is in the past. Look to the future, don't dwell on regrets of the past because you can't change any of it.

cayc posted 2/20/2014 15:28 PM

I regret the hell out of my M. My xWH is a horrible person who ruins everyone and everything he touches.

I try and ameliorate the regret by thinking about things I have now, friendships I have now that I wouldn't have if I hadn't met him. Some days that's enough to not feel so regretful. But it's hard. I paid a really high price for my time with xWH. A really high price. Things I'll never have (like children, the abililty to retire) thanks to him. It's hard to put a positive spin on that.

nomistakeaboutit posted 2/20/2014 16:32 PM

Forgive yourself and resolve to learn from this.

That's all I got!

mof2 posted 2/20/2014 17:09 PM

I am still working to forgive myself for staying so long and putting up with so much in the relationship.

Hurts, that is my biggest issue now. I put up with sooooo much just hoping and praying that he would change. I was the model wife just wanting to make him constantly happy. He was an avid golfer and I would always tell him "don't come home until you get a hole in one." I just feel like I wasted so much time....time that I will never get back.

RealityStinks posted 2/20/2014 17:20 PM

We had a lot of good times together. What I regret most is that I allowed many of my other relationships to suffer to be with her. I feel like I missed college too.

I don't regret loving her. I did nothing wrong, and it hurts that she did not value me the I valued her. But I do understand where you're coming from.

HurtsButImOK posted 2/20/2014 17:36 PM

Some days temporary forgiveness comes easier than others. Some times I am able to give myself a pass and accept 'I was young' or 'I didn't know better'. Other days I resent the hell out of myself.

Often we are so much harder on ourselves than we would be on others. I try to accept and let go the resentment. If that doesn't work I remind myself that tomorrow is another day and I will try again.

One day I will forgive myself. In the meantime I will explore what the self resentment might be stemming from.

Pass posted 2/21/2014 09:16 AM

I just feel like I wasted so much time....time that I will never get back

That's what I'm feeling too. My shrink tells me that there are billions of tiny moments that got me to where I am today. Each one of those billions made my boys exactly the kids they are today, and made me exactly the person I am today - and, really, I'm proud of both. Sometimes I can even admit to being proud of myself without adding "despite..." to the end of the sentence. But not always!

When I told him that I had always wanted a lifelong marriage, and now may never celebrate a 25th anniversary, he said, "You were married for 17 years when you left your wife. Would eight more years of that have been worthwhile to get the trophy for 25 years of marriage?"

My shrink must have been having a funny day, because he never uses sarcasm. My response: "I would have deserved that fucking trophy."