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ok, so how do I deal with the anxiety??

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ThisHell posted 2/20/2014 13:55 PM

I'm glad my relationship ended... it needed to. I'm sad that it ended in this much hurt, and I am sad that my "marriage" which I was in for the long haul ended for both myself and my kids. But I have moved on, I am so much healthier, happier, in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful SO, and I truly want EX to be in a healthy relationship with someone that will treat my boys well and be a good example of a healthy relationship...
But instead, he is starting to bring OW (who, if you read my last topic, has finally left BS and moved out, they are separated) around my kids. More than what he's admitting as they have openly shared with me.

Now I know there isn't anything I can do about it, and I would like to have the attitude of "as long as she treats my kids well..." but I just cant! And she brings me anxiety.

I don't know why, but literally I get physically affected. Today I was at the gas station and drove past the front of the shopping center to leave and when I turned my head, there she was walking into the grocery store. And immediately my chest tightens up and I am filled with anxiety and difficulty breathing.

How do I stop this?! How do I parent and be good for my kids when I know I will be in her presence at times should this relationship continue? And it will.... he's clung to this hope of her finally leaving her BS for 3 years now, maintaining a "friendship" and waiting it out. Now that she finally did, even though according to him, she wants to take things slow and help her son adjust to them divorcing, I know she has already spent time with my kids and I know he wants this relationship to be real.

I just want to be able to NOT be affected by her presence like this! But I don't know how to fix it... just another selfish act with no concern for the people they hurt's feelings, they will be together and I get to be reminded. Why couldn't he just go find someone else?

TrustedHer posted 2/20/2014 14:02 PM

I'd start with counseling. Your IC may decide that you need drugs to help, or you may be able to handle it through tools the counselor can provide.

In my case, I was assigned homework to actually script encounters in my mind. What I'd do, what I'd say, etc.

That's not how it worked in real life, but it did reduce the anxiety I was carrying around full-time.

When I did finally meet one of the OM, he was drunk and wanted to be my friend! I was stunned, and had a few (but just a few) bad minutes afterwards. Later, I had a chance to think about it and laugh.

I'm not in your position. None of the three OM I know about are around my kids or grandkids. But if you can find tools to relax, you might make it to that "As long as she's good to my kids" point.

I hope so.

Good luck.

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