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This sucks... Now what?!?!

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MsHopeless posted 2/20/2014 14:23 PM

New here, I am going to try and make this as short as possible but I am sure it will still be rather long. I will start with basic info:
Me: 31, H: 32 2 kids g – 6 b – 4. We have been together since HS. This March will mark 15 years together married 8 years this past August. Now where do I begin? H and I have been on this same merry go round for about 4 years. We separate date other people get back to and on and on we go… But this latest story happen this past year we separated over the summer of 2013 and then in October decided to give it another go. We have both been hurt by each other and H tends to be selfish and I tend to pull away… Things were not great but they had been worse, right after Christmas I notice him pull away and acting strange. WS was on his phone a lot and on DD (Jan 4, 2014) he was getting ready to head out to a show (concert) I had this gut feeling that something was up as he didn’t invite me to go after my plans for the night got canceled. So I do what I do best and just came out and asked him if there was someone else… h: yes. My life forever changed in that moment.. He was set to go out with her that night, I asked him to stay, he left like he always does when I need him… over the next few days i did a lot of crying and not eating. In the end I found out the following info… This girl was in the States on holiday (she was here about 4 months and was 2 weeks from leaving when WS met OP), they met at a show that WS went to the day after Christmas. They continued communication via email and skype while she was here. They were “together” once according to WS (but after she returned home they were doing video play on skype) when he made a spontaneous trip to his brother on NYE in a snow storm (said he needed to clear his head) we had dinner plans with our kids that night and he left us anyways. I knew something was up the second he left but wanted to believe that he wouldn’t do that to me. After DD we talked a lot. WS said he was confused and the OP made him feel so many great thing. She made him feel special, sexy, important, incredible conversation… I can go on but I think I may make myself sick if I do.. I wish I would have know about 180 before yesterday (almost 7 weeks after DD) I did everything I could to make him see how stupid he was being… I regret it all now… Because of a lot of snow in our area OP was still around the week following DD and one night WS said he need to go clear his head and he was overwhelmed… Again it was a snow storm and he wanted to leave me… I called him out, I knew he was going to see the OP… and in fact he said that he was going to. WS was going to travel over an hour in a snow storm for the OP... I told him he walked out that door to take his shit with him (again regret that). He struggled (I mean really struggled) he wanted to go bc WS knew he would probably never see OP after that night. (she lives in India and is 12 years younger than him)… He ended up staying but inside I knew he didn’t want to… we are an obligation to him… he said it was the right thing to do… I asked WS for NC with OP. He said he couldn’t do it and that he thought he was falling in love with her…(crushed yet again) hours fell like days, days like months…. I struggle every day… I asked him yesterday if there has been any contact. He said about 2 weeks ago some small talk chat and then again the OP FB requested him , he declined it… I was upset that this information was not given to me and I had to ask for it. WS said he doesn’t understand what the big deal is. He knew I would be hurt if he told me so he thought it would be better if he didn’t. WS was upset that I was mad at him and gets mad when I ask him about the whole thing. WS just want to act like everything is ok but its not… I am so lost some days I want nothing more than us to be together then others I want nothing to do with him at all… On a side note there are many negative things that have happened in our marriage we have been thou 2 MC and it seems like he cant stop being a repeat offender when it comes to being selfish (not related to the affair this is the first time). We are very honest with each other to a fault sometimes…. I am not sure what I am looking for here just needed to get this out of my head bc I have only told one person (my BFF) well I didn’t tell her she took one look at me and just knew…  I am sure I missed some things so feel free to ask.

norabird posted 2/20/2014 14:29 PM

I'm so sorry. I know it hurts.

Right now it's hard not to focus on the loss, the pain, the betrayal. Wanting things to be different, or clinging on to the relationship because you aren't ready to let go.

I understand that. It's normal. But as an outsider, this sounds exhausting, and like it should be over.

You say yourself that he is selfish in many ways. He certainly is not putting you first or showing you love. He wants to forget this ever happened, which only means the cycle will continue.

You deserve more than this. You should be with someone who can love you 100%.

Do you ever read You really should. He keeps sucking you back in even though it hurts you. Why do you think that is all you deserve? Why can't you draw your boundaries and reject this emotionally abusive pattern?

I know it's hard. I'm not asking those questions accusatorily. I really think you need to ask them of yourself, though. That is the first step to detaching and beginning to move forward into a healthier dynamic.

You need to learn how to set a higher standard for yourself, and to enact it. It's not easy. But it will save you from going through this time and time again. You are worth much more and he does not deserve to keep you as his soft landing.

MsHopeless posted 2/20/2014 15:27 PM

I just don't know what to feel anymore... We have been through so much and I have always been add good to him as I am able. In am afraid of life without him. I have never know anything different. I know he is not treating me the way I know i should be treated but I love him and is hard to say no. And you are right is a cycle we can't break. He does something stupid we fight, it's over, then I go back. This had happened for the last 4 years. I made a promise to myself that j will not be here (state of my marriage) next year. I well not allow it. I have grown into who i really am in the past 2 years. I realized that who I am with WS is not who I truly am inside

shiloe posted 2/20/2014 17:06 PM

I asked WS for NC with OP. He said he couldn’t do it and that he thought he was falling in love with her…

I am so sorry. That really hurts to hear.

I think he is already gone. . . emotionally. You can't force him to go NC with her, he has to want that. You don't want him to be with you because he feels it is his obligation or the right thing to do?

MsHopeless posted 2/20/2014 20:40 PM

I can't help but laugh. Some new info just came into light. It was very entertaining. Why is it I can only laugh at this point. Maybe bc I knew this would happen. Maybe bc i have no tears, maybe bc i dont know what else to do, how else to deal with all these emotions Well today I can now effectively put the 180 in to motion. When I feel I can share I will come back for an update. I already feel so much better bc of this site. Thanks everyone. It's comforting to know I am not alone out there.

MsHopeless posted 2/21/2014 10:54 AM

So, I talked my WS this morning and he can't seem to understand why I so upset after what I found. Basically, inappropriate chats and things he told me that were lies. Anywho WS wants to go to dinner so we can talk... with the 180 how does that work? should i go and just listen to what he as to say and go from there?


BAB61 posted 2/21/2014 23:05 PM

I'm sorry you are here. (((MsHopeless)))

It sounds to me like you need to both be in IC, to clear some of the fog and get on the road to being healed.

If you have done MC 2x already you might want to try something more intense. Check and see if Retrouvaille (this is a Christian based program - if it is not compatible with your views - disregard) or something similar is in your area.
Read all you can here on SI ... there is a lot of good info.

norabird posted 2/22/2014 08:57 AM

I would not go to dinner with him if he 'doesn't understand' why you are upset. Recipe for a minimizing, blame shifting, manipulative evening! He is trying to avoid facing consequences.

You really can be happy without him, but just start by detaching as much as you can. Say you can't have dinner with someone who brushes off what you've found and you need space from him. Don't be tempted by the idea of getting reassurance from him when right now it will all be lip service.

MsHopeless posted 2/22/2014 18:27 PM


Well I didn't go. He also asked me to go to his folks house for pizza with his family... I told him no (I have never said no and meant it). Well I meant it today. I am proud I didn't go. His brothers and sister are all gonna be there and they know what is going on. His one brother was witness to WS and OP. I In no way feel comfortable around them. I am feeling rather lonely thou. Trying to be strong.

MsHopeless posted 2/26/2014 10:20 AM

Well not much new to say. We talked Saturday night and I told him I need so time to figure things out. I told him I needed some space. But it's almost a catch 22, space means me not giving him what he needs to not feel neglected (which is what lead him astray in the first place). Wow eye opener, why do I care about what HE needs right now. This is about me.

[This message edited by MsHopeless at 10:23 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

I think I can posted 2/26/2014 11:09 AM

Is the OP married?

MsHopeless posted 2/26/2014 11:28 AM

No, OP is 21 not married no kids. She is no longer on holiday here and is back in India. I recently found out that before this girl there was some other girl chat and skype no actual meeting. I should feel better that she lived on the other side of the world but that doesn't help. She emailed him the other day (he told me right away) about how much she missed him and needs to see him and can't forget about him. He said he didn't respond. He admitted to someone that he war madly I love with her but when I asked he said he thought he was but is not. Not sure I believe it thou. Also j saved all the chats with the first OP (online one) I found out alot of info about the 2 OP there which I also saved. When he found out that i found the chats he deleted them which I knew he would do that's why I saved all the important info

Rocket999 posted 2/27/2014 16:10 PM

Contacted 3 pi today. They all told me they couldn't reveal the omw or address if they found it. . I need a shady pi.

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