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Newest Member: WOPR (61467)

User Topic: I feel bad for him
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally left my H, but I can't help but to think how badly he's doing. Lord knows, I tried to help him, help us, for a whole year with counseling, AA/12step, but he couldn't do it and I couldn't take all the lies and TT for over a year, I couldn't stand the abuse any longer, the sheer disrespect he had for me. I heard he's been drinking again. I feel so bad for him, he doesn't have a decent job, still works at the bar, has no place to sleep, and barley has a car, so long as he makes the payments because it's under my name. I'm afraid he will drink himself to death or hurt himself. Does anyone else feel the same empathy for their fWS? I said a little prayer for him last night...

I'm super happy with my new life, but it's kind of bittersweet because I know he's finally hurting without me.

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

Posts: 972 | Registered: Apr 2013
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((libertyrocks and kids)))

(((mr lib)))

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16788 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel sorry for my exWBF too! I am also so much happier now I'm not on the rollercoaster that was false R, when I couldn't sleep and kept on being newly disappointed and frustrated. I can see how unhealthy an influence he was and how much I tried to help him step up and be mature when that shouldn't have been my job. So it's not even a wish we were together now. And I have lots of reason to be mad--the lies, the betrayal, the cruelty, the selfish, the name-calling at the end...yet I still look at his life, and how much he misses me now that he's acted in a way to kick me out of his life, and I think, 'wow, what an awful way to be.'

I think it comes from knowing how okay you're going to be and how broken they are? And from feeling safe enough about your own well-being to be able to spare a thought for the person who made you suffer--because you know you're going to heal from the suffering and be better, unlike them.

Just don't let this revert back to codependency, because how he is doing is NOT your problem anymore, it's his alone. Those are the consequences and you can't try to lighten them, though I think empathy (from a distance maybe) is fine.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♀ 41580
Member # 41580
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

libertyrocks -- former insurance adjuster here. The car is in YOUR name? He is making the payments but does he have liability insurance? In the state I live in, if he doesn't have insurance and if he is involved in an accident that is his fault, you could be held liable for the damages because the car is in YOUR name. Please check this out!

Posts: 711 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
♀ 24924
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What undertherug said went through my mind too, as I read your post. In some states, if a car in your name is involved in a DUI, they can take YOUR drivers license!

As to your WH, I understand. If the empathy gets to you, though, just remember all the cruelty he's dished out.

Enjoy the peace and the joy that can now be yours! I left mine some time ago, and I've been so much happier ever since. I love my new independent life!

Me-50 BW

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M

Posts: 3204 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel bad for my ex too. I read his emails and texts, and I do feel empathy for him. There are times when I still even want to take away his pain. Sometimes I worry that me cutting off contact with him will cause him to go off the deep end and start sleeping with prostitutes or doing drugs.

But, my empathy doesn't change my decision. I gave and gave until I had nothing left to give. It's time for me to listen to my own pain, and to put me first.

Posts: 1758 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your STBX is an alcoholic that is a diagnosed NPD SA?

That's brutal. I cant' say I blame you for feeling empathy. Unfortunately, he isn't 'hurting', he's raging NPDs don't hurt - not like you or I do.

If he is NPD - you can't feel bad. He is a person, but he doesn't view things like you or I do.

DDay - 12/2010
Fully R'd - I love my husband

Posts: 2246 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 18814
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something I realized is that the people around us are support. They help. However, the support of the people around us are nothing if we don't help ourselves and make the right decisions.

Truly remorseful spouses feel that they are the only ones who can truly fix themselves. I was told by my FWH during our R that to him, he will fix himself and be a better person whether I leave or stay. That's when I knew that he's truly wanting to take control over his life.

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-

Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
♀ 38865
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does hurt to see them hurting or being less than you thought they could be.

I had to remind myself that he chose this and only he can save himself. What ever his life ends up being is solely dictated by him. That you feel empathy just shows what a good person you are.

Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((libertyrocks))) NPD is a dreadful thing....I followed your journey, watched you do some courageous things....but real change in a person must come from within them. What little I know of appears it is all but impossible for them to break free of their condition. The total lack of empathy appears to remove a primary motivation of change from that person.

I am so sorry.

LonelyGirl10....sorry I lost touch with your journey....had no realized your journey within your M ended. Like libertyrocks efforts, I have seen your efforts and know you too gave it a strong effort.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 5825 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, February 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for sharing. Yes, there's full coverage insurance, that I pay for. He agreed to pay for car and insurance. But, now I need to rethink letting him have the car.

Well, I don't know if he's NPD SA, but his actions sure sound like it! I diagnosed him.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:58 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

Posts: 972 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 11

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